Showing posts with label Really bad games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Really bad games. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Reading is fundamental

In my store, we have an "Under $10" section for the Xbox 360 games. Unfortunately, we have too many busted old 360 games, so the wall section filled up and overflowed into what we in the biz refer to as a "dump bin."

A guy was standing in the middle of the Under $10 section, right in between the dump bin and the wall.

"Hey," he yelled. "Do you have an "Under $10" section?"

"You're standing on top of it," I said. "You're literally surrounded by it."

"Oh." He looked down, and immediately grabbed Defiance, of all things. "Is this game any good?"

"....no."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I guess it made sense in cod-text

So, my store has this policy where employees can borrow used games if we have enough copies.

And as it turns out, my new roommate High Maintenance Roommate is obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops.

"I can't check that out! All my coworkers will make fun of me!" I complained.

And then I checked it out, and then all my coworkers made fun of me, and then this happened, in a conversation about game check-outs with my bro, Jean-Luc:

A text conversation. "I mean, it is cod. Checking that out looks fishy."

NO. GOD DAMMIT.

But seriously, we all literally call Black Ops "COD BLOPS." And then we tell those people that they should totally buy copies of Brink and The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct, because fuck Call of Duty.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Style Savvy: Trendsetters

I have a confession to make.

I fucking love "girly" games.

Continue at your own peril.

I borrowed Style Savvy: Trendsetters from the store because I've never played anything in the series, and it's good to play the stuff people will be asking you about. Also, I fucking love that shit. I had more fun playing My Sims than I probably have ever had in my life ever. Sometimes, a girl just wants to help some fake people decorate some fake houses, you know?

Style Savvy is a pretty ordinary style of game, where you run a fashion boutique. People come in and they're like "OMG, I need a cute outfit for my date with a boy" and then you find them an outfit and then they pay you. Then when you run out of cute outfits for dates with boys, you get to go to the supplier and buy more. After you make a certain number of customers happy with your bitchin' stylings, you move on to the next "level" of the game, where everything is the same but you have more fashion options unlocked.

That's pretty much the structure of all fashion games, by the way.

This game is basically The Sims, if the game stopped right after you design your characters and build your house, and made you keep designing new characters. Which is pretty much all I did when I played The Sims as a kid anyway, since we didn't have no fancy "downtown" back then and you had to make enough background Sims for your good Sims to be friends with to advance in their super awesome careers.

"Oh, I'm totally qualified for this promotion, because I'm BFFs with the eight people who live on the empty plot of land next door."

"Great! Take our money!"

In Style Savvy, after you get hired on the spot while checking out a trendy boutique, it only takes a few days for the manager to split and leave you in charge. She gives you the privilege of renaming the store you now run. It took me a few tries to beat the profanity filter (my first choice was Ballsack), but eventually the filter and I settled on a name that could work for us:

"Congratulations! Your very own shop, Satan Taint, is now open!"

Yes, all the pictures in this post are photos I took of my 3DS screen. Don't worry about it. This isn't a professional operation.

Once I was put in charge of Satan Taint, I was also in charge of remodeling the store. The customers who come to your establishment are affected by the store's design. Here's a shot I took of Satan Taint's "princess" phase:

A picture of Satan Taint, decked out in pink frills. It's hot in there.


"But wait," you might be saying, if you've managed to make it this far into a post about the time I've spent playing Style Savvy: Trendsetters. "Princess? Really?"

There are a bunch of different "styles" used in the game. The familiar ones are basic attire, professional, 60s retro, boho chic, trendy, cute, punk, bold, and sporty. Some of these are kind of redundant- pretty much everything in "bold" and "punk" overlaps with each other. But we also get "pop," "Asian," "princess," and "gothic princess."

Because this game was made in Japan!

Apparently the lolita style is too confusing for an American audience, so it was renamed to "princess," even though the style is Victorian and has nothing to do with princesses. The pop style refers to the mishmash of bright colors and patterns we're all used to seeing on cute Asian pop stars. And even though your average American would consider all of the above "Asian style" if he or she stopped to think about it, the Asian style in the game are clothes with traditional features, like shirts with mandarin collars and jeans with crane or cherry blossom prints.

Style Savvy: Trendsetters taught me knowledge. Like the fact that boho chic has tragically infected Japan. Who knew? At least they don't- according to categories established by this game- have any fucking hipsters.

You can style guys, too, but all the man stylings look totally ridiculous. Check out this guy:

There is a man in this picture. A man with a creepy soul patch who is wearing a pink shirt under a blue and black checked puffy vest that has leather shoulder pad things for no reason, and also green dress pants. He just showed up in my store looking like that. This man and his clothes are the stuff of nightmares.

Every single dude in the game looks like that. Luckily, it's not one of those games where you have to pick up a boyfriend on the side, because barf.

The game, unsurprisingly, is pretty repetitive. Everyone looks and sounds the same. Dialogue is canned and repeated with dozens of different customers. A good chunk of the different styles are just the same cut in different colors. You can enter fashion contests, but I'm pretty sure you just win them by default. (But that might be because I'm about fifteen years too old to be playing this game.)

Corners were cut, as it were.

The problem with "girly" games (for lack of a better general term) is that, well, they're marketed towards girls, and no one gives a fuck. There's no objective reason why a game about running a fashion boutique has to be repetitive and poorly made. But since the game is marketed to a "casual" (read: female) audience, budgets are nonexistent and developers are pressured to put out a product as soon as possible. "Who cares if it's bad?" say the publishers, with their actions if not their words. "It's about running a fashion boutique. And people who are into that will buy it no matter how terrible it is, because there aren't any other options."

Speaking of customers, I was playing Style Savvy while my friend groomed my sister's dog. He used to work in the electronics department at Another Retailer.

"Oh my God," he said. "You're playing Style Savvy: Trendsetters!? What is wrong with you!?"

"I like picking out outfits and running a fake store," I said. "Besides, these customers appreciate my input."

"What you just said is probably evidence that you have some sort of condition," he said.

This entire blog is evidence that I have some sort of condition.

Retailitis.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Journaling is good for the soul

"I wanted to text you about all the wacko people who were in here this morning," my boss said, "but there were too many of them so I just started keeping a journal." Here you go, people. This right here is some official video game store business:


[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A photo of a piece of notebook paper with some handwritten bullet points written on it.

- I need a guide book for Lego Lord of the Rings. That game is hard! I can't figure it out!

- Are the graphics on this game good? (holding Call of Duty 3 on Wii)

- Can I return this? (purchased on 12/13/12)

- This is the shit! (holding Cabela's Dang[erous] Hunts) (purchased Leisure Suit Larry)

- Do you have the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone? "I have this High Velocity Bowling and it says I need one" ]

For the curious among the readership, here is a picture of "the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone," aka the Playstation Move controller:



Yyyyyyep. Weekends.