Tablets

It is semi-widely known that selling electronics is not profitable at all, mostly because huge swaths of The Public are technologically illiterate, and as such, either return everything they buy because it "doesn't work" or just become high-maintenance thorns in the retailer's side. Tablets generally can't be resold after they've been returned, so unless the manufacturer has a deal allowing the retailer to return returned tablets, the retailer just has to eat a several-hundred-dollar loss.

Now, somewhere like The Apple Store that's selling their own products can afford to also have tech support and how-to classes- services that are built in to the iPad's high price. Somewhere like Target or Wal-Mart, however, has no post-sale tech support for tablets.

My store falls in the "no support for tablets" category, and people are trying to return them as defective all the time.

The most dramatic example of this is my new best friend Kindle Lady, who has returned no fewer than four Kindles in the past two weeks.

My store sells refurbished Kindles. Kindle Lady ordered four of them for her kids from our website. She of course bought the cheapest model, because she either didn't know there was more than one model of Kindle, or didn't read any of the product descriptions.

She got sent original-model Kindles, and came into the store all flustered because she wanted "the ones with the cameras on them."

"Ok," we said. "That's the Kindle Fire HD, and costs more money."

"That's fine. Oh, and these two won't hold a charge." It didn't matter that she said they were broken because she was returning them anyway, so we did the swap and ordered two Kindle Fire HDs to be sent to her house.

She came back in a week.

"THEY SENT ME ANOTHER BROKEN TABLET," she said. "IT WON'T CHARGE AT ALL." At this point, I'm wondering whether she's just handing them off to her kids and assuming they don't work when the kids can't figure them out. So after doing her exchange- corporate gave her a $20 off coupon for her "trouble"- I plugged in the Kindle.

It powered on and prompted me to set up an account. So, she was telling the truth that she / her kid couldn't get it to turn on, but the issue was simply that the battery was dead and she hadn't let it charge enough.

Luckily, my store only sells used tablets, so the functional ones she returned can just be repackaged and resold. If we'd been selling them new, however, the company would have either lost several hundred dollars outright because this woman didn't know anything about Kindles, or simply denied all her returns, resulting in an angry customer trolling the internet about how terrible we are, which she's probably doing anyway, because we totally ruined Christmas. 

Short version: I hate selling consumer electronics.

No receipt, no refund... an ongoing saga

My store doesn't do cash refunds without a receipt. Period. If you cannot prove that you bought the item with cash, then you don't get cash back. I really don't understand how this is so difficult for everyone, especially since many of these people buy things with THE FULL INTENTION of returning them a few days later, so why wouldn't you keep the damn receipt!? But I digress.

Some lady came in a couple days after Christmas trying to get cash back for a game. We gave her the usual spiel about how we can't do cash refunds without a receipt, but she was welcome to exchange it for another game. Things escalated quickly.

"WELL, THIS IS SOME GREAT FUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE," she screamed as she flounced to the door.

"I'M GOING TO TEAR APART MY HOUSE AND FIND THAT RECEIPT AND MAKE YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK."

"Please do," said the Veteran. "If you have the receipt, there's no problem."

"MERRY CHRISTMAS," she yelled, and then- wait for it- she broke the door.

She slammed the door so hard that it broke.

Fortunately, the glass wasn't broken, just the pump that stops it from slamming shut. We only had to suffer through one or two days of the door slamming every time someone used it before it was fixed.

Unfortunately, she never did show up with the receipt, so we never got to go all "Oh heeey, we have you on camera breaking our door! This is me calling the cops! MERRY CHRISTMAS LOL!"

And really, since when does "customer service" entail giving free cash to random members of the public? Need I remind everybody, again, that Buying Stuff is not the same as Putting Your Money In The Bank? And that you don't get to withdraw Money from your Stuff whenever you want?

WHY.

Lies and the lying liars who lie

I don't believe a single customer has ever told me the truth. I've collected four particularly egregious examples from the past month, and combined them into one sexy mega-post, with a numbered list.

I'm basically amazing.

Parental controls?

A mom asked me if it were possible to turn off the swearing in Grand Theft Auto V.

"Um, it might be," I said. "But that's kind of like tossing your coffee onto a bonfire."

X-rated shift

A man came into The Store to buy an Xbox 360 for his 7-year-old daughter. As he was looking at games, he asked me:

"Do they make X-rated games yet?"

"Well, they exist- the rating is AO, for "Adults Only"- but there's not a big market for them, because none of the major retailers will carry them."

"So I could go online and buy them?"

"I mean, your daughter would be able to see everything you'd been using the 360 for. She'd be like, "Daddy, what's the XXX achievement?""

"And I'd say, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!""

I still don't know if he was serious or not. He was probably serious- that's the kind of people who shop here.

Later on, a guy was buying a bunch of Skylanders toys, for Christmas presents. They come in bulky, awkward packaging.

"Those must be impossible to gift wrap," I commented.

"Oh, they are. I always make my wife do it."

"That's why I don't have any kids," I said. "I'm terrible at wrapping things."

"Or maybe you don't have any kids because you're really good at wrapping things," he said.

I laughed really hard.

NEW FAVORITE CUSTOMER.

Amateur guitarists are douchebags

Someone came in today to buy Rocksmith, a video game that teaches you how to play guitar. I hate the ads for Rocksmith because they're always trash-talking actual lessons with a real teacher. Speaking as a real-life teacher and student of private instrumental lessons, no, I don't think learning tools like Rocksmith are an effective replacement for a human teacher.

Of course, a lot of bros who pick up guitar aren't really interested in mastering an instrument, instead being mostly just interested in being "good enough." You know, to impress the laydeez at parteez. 

Anyway, this guy is buying Rocksmith, and it somehow comes up that I am a real-life musician-type person.

"What instrument do you play?"

"Clarinet," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Well, that's not as romantic as guitar."

Um, what? In what universe!? There is literally an entire genre of orchestral music referred to, Officially, by Music Historians, as the Romantic period. People EAT UP that tortured classical musician crap.

(Incidentally, if you're ever talking to a classical musician and you're like, "I can't tell if this is sexy passion or pretentious bullshit," the answer is usually pretentious bullshit. I know. I'm on the inside.)

Anyway, the important thing is that ain't nobody compares a clarinet unfavorably to a guitar in front of ME without getting viciously mocked on the internet.

No, sir.

The glorious return of the "janky off-brand controllers" tag

We get all kinds of janky off-brand controllers at Christmas, because people will buy anything at Christmas. Nevertheless, we haven't had any good janky off-brand controller moments lately.

UNTIL TODAY!

First off, I get a call in the early afternoon.

"I NEED A WIRELESS CONTROLLER FOR AN XBOX 360. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MICROSOFT BRAND."

"Well," I said. "Microsoft doesn't let anyone else make wireless controllers, so if you want wireless, you have to buy a Microsoft controller."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE AT [OTHER LOCATION] SAID."

Oh, great. Great.

"Well, there is one off-brand wireless controller, but it's really old. It was basically made in the Dark Ages." Yes, I did use the actual phrase "the Dark Ages." Seriously. Right now, I don't even remember the brand, and I'm trying to find a picture for the blog of the one off-brand 360 controller, and I can't even find one. They are a mere legend, spoken of only in the whispers of [Other Location]'s phone conversations.

"THE OTHER STORE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TEN DOLLARS AND THAT YOU HAVE ONE."

"Uhh, let me check."

Sure enough, we have one hanging in the area where sad old cheap used accessories live. Let's call it the Accessories Graveyard. Where gross accessories go to die. I'm pretty sure this controller has been in the store since before I started working there four years ago.

"Uhh, it's here, but it's old. Really old."

"IT WORKS FOR THE 360 DOESN'T IT?"

"...technically, yes."

"HOLD IT FOR ME."

She apparently called back to ask about janky off-brand PS3 controllers, but I didn't have to field that call. She did not come in to pick up the janky off-brand 360 controller she had on hold.

Later, at close, right at 9, the Highest Man Ever stumbled in, right past The Veteran trying to close the gates. He went straight to the demo PS4, and freaked out because it was turned off. You know, because the store was closed.

"I NEED TO BUY A PS3 CONTROLLER." Predictably, the actual Sony ones were a little out of his price range.

"JUST GIVE ME A REGULAR CHEAP ONE." Sony does allow other companies to make wireless controllers, so The Veteran grabbed a cheap wireless controller, just as Junkie grabbed a cheap wired controller.

"IS THAT WIRELESS? I'LL TAKE THAT ONE." He paid with a $50 bill, because of course he did. After he'd paid, and we were ready to usher him out of the store because we'd been closed for ten minutes, he asked us how he was supposed to charge it. Keep in mind that rechargeable batteries are expensive, and this guy had just bought a janky off-brand controller.

"It takes AAs," said The Veteran.

"NO. I CAN'T DO BATTERIES. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

"Would you like to buy some batteries? We sell batteries here." Junkie flew into a rage.

"NO. NO. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

So, we exchanged the two controllers. It took a while, since doing a refund requires taking down the person's information, even if they literally bought the item two seconds ago. While The Veteran made his way through the transaction, Junkie found a display box for some headphones and tried to get me to show them to him. On his way out, he jostled the Xbox One demo unit to try to see what was inside, or something.

When we finally got rid of him and locked the doors, I started laughing and couldn't stop.

"WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED!?"

The Veteran shook his head at me.

Real-life Customer Quotes: Reading is Hard Edition

A couple weeks ago, our store was able to special order PS4s and Xbox Ones for customers in bundle format- basically, the system plus a bunch of games and accessories for many hundreds of dollars. We had an advertisement for the bundles we were able to order posted on the door. Most people just saw the part that said "Available," rushed in, and freaked when we told them they'd also have to buy six games and a controller. One particular gentleman came in in a righteous fury, and shouted:

"HOW CAN YOU CHARGE MORE THAN THE SYSTEM IS WORTH!?"

"It's bundled with a bunch of other stuff," I said. "Did you read the description?"

"I DON'T READ."

Ok, then.

Today, a lady came in, stared directly at the display box for the Microsoft Kinect, and asked:

"What's a Microsoft Kindle?"

No, I mean that literally- they will not pay us to keep the store open late

I have HAD IT with these customers, loyal readers.

Today, as we were closing up the store at 9 P.M., A Customer came in. He saw Free-Shirt pulling the gates closed (yeah, our store has metal gates in the front, we're classy) and asked,

"When do you guys close?"

"9 P.M.," I said.

"Your website says 10," he said. I pulled out my phone and checked our posted hours. Sure enough, Thursday says 10 AM to 10 PM, even though every other day of the week is correctly marked at 10 AM to 9 PM.

In the meantime, the guy and his girlfriend are looking at the wall and whining about how Skyrim is still $50.

"That's the legendary edition with all the DLC," I said. "The game by itself is $20."

"I ALREADY HAVE IT," he snapped at me.

This week of all weeks, I don't have time for people to be rude to me for trivial bullshit.

"Yeah, the website says 10 PM, but sorry, it must be a typo," I said. "Every other day is correctly marked 10 to 9."

"WHERE IS FALLOUT," he snapped.

"In the "Under $10" bin," I said. He managed to find it and bring it up to the register as Free-Shirt is locking the door and beginning to clean up customer mess.

"I'M FEELING RUSHED RIGHT NOW," he complained.

"Sorry," I said. "We don't get paid to stay open late."

Now, I am aware that mentioning your shitty working conditions to customers is The Biggest No-No Ever In The History of Corporate Retail, but I've had it with this guy.

"WELL, THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE."

Ain't nobody disses my attitude.

"I mean that literally," I said flatly. "They will not pay us to keep the store open late. We're restricted in the number of hours we can have employees scheduled, and we're already over our allocation for this week." Of course, legally, they have to pay us for hours worked, but there are all kinds of tricks corporate can use to "make up" the over-used time, the most common one being slashing hours for the following days and weeks, which hurts the store long-term.

(By the way, we're over on hours because our district manager came in, moved everything around, made a huge mess, and we had to bring in an extra employee to clean it all up.)

"WELL, THEN, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY MESSED UP THE SCHEDULE."

"We have no control over the number of payroll hours we get. Feel free to take it up with our corporate office."

"MAYBE I WILL."

Seriously. Customers are not Delicate Flowers who can't bear the effects of Reality interfering with their Happy Shopping Time. Stores, particularly small specialty stores like mine, have closing times for a reason. Even if I didn't have a life outside of work and was totally happy to wait around for him to finish picking out $5 PS3 games, I would get punished by corporate for going into overtime.

Of course, I'm going to get reamed by corporate anyway for telling a customer THE TRUTH OF RETAIL, but at least I get to watch my DM flounder when I ask him how much overtime pay I can get.

Encouraging people to complain to corporate totally takes the wind out of their sails, though.

I wish math was an everybody skill

Woman bought four games, for $40, $40, $25, and $10. She has a $30 in-store credit. I told her her total after tax was $100. She pays me, leaves, and immediately comes back.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO APPLY MY CREDIT."

Given that 40 + 40 + 25 + 10 > 100, I'd say I ALREADY DID, MA'AM.

Black Friday is a scam

There's plenty of internet out there about how Black Friday deals are basically the worst, especially on big-ticket items. Last night I was at the store until 11 P.M. unloading all the cheap Black Friday garbage that corporate is eager to unload on the public this year. My personal favorite is our returning door buster $60 tablet that's so cheaply made that it doesn't even have a real manufacturer's warranty. 

Because I want to be that fancy blogger who links to The Wall Street Journal, enjoy this link to The Wall Street Journal:

The Dirty Secret of Black Friday 'Discounts' 

Here's how it works, according to one industry consultant describing an actual sweater sold at a major retailer. A supplier sells the sweater to a retailer for roughly $14.50. The suggested retail price is $50, which gives the retailer a roughly 70% markup. A few sweaters sell at that price, but more sell at the first markdown of $44.99, and the bulk sell at the final discount price of $21.99. That produces an average unit retail price of $28 and gives the store about a 45% gross margin on the product.

Retailers didn't always price this way. It used to be that most items were sold at full price, with a limited number of sales to clear unsold inventory. That began to change in the 1970s and 1980s, when a rash of store openings intensified competition and forced retailers to look for new ways to stand out.

We run into this a lot with video games- basically all new releases are $60, even the ones that shouldn't be, because $60 is What A New Game Costs and they have to milk as much money out of their crap as they can. Many non-A-list games will go "on sale" for $10 or $20 off mere weeks after they came out, which is preeeeetty irritating when you're the one changing the price tags. (And is one of the reasons I generally only buy Nintendo products, which don't have silly price fluctuations, except for the 3DS that one time LOL.)

Of course, as the article mentions, when stores try to go from the misleading inflated-prices-and-sales format to a more honest everyday-low-price format, people stop shopping there. Retailers are stuck in a cycle of artificially jacking up prices so they can afford crazy markdowns, because people would rather buy stuff off the sale rack. Is it because they think something's better quality if it's priced higher? I dunno.

Other things people complain about, like not including sales tax in the price or pricing everything at $9,999.99 instead of $10,000.00 and so on, is just more nonsense that retailers have come up with to make things look more competitively priced than they are. And you know why they keep doing it?

Because it works.

USians have voted with their wallets, and they said: "We want misleading sale nonsense!" Now we're all stuck with it.

It was this post or a long, profane screed about how much I hate the concept of "deals," because DEALS ARE A LIE.

Fuck this guy

According to his fbook profile picture, this person is an ADULT MAN. We ran a small child out for trying to do this recently:

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

 

"Thank you to the worker name [redacted] at my local [redacted] for excepting my money in all pennies which we counted on the front desk so i can get GTA5. Than you for taking your time to count 60k+ pennies" ]

"Get out."

A normal-looking middle-aged man came in and walked to the register, where he had the misfortune of encountering ladyboss.

"Hey," he said. "Can I buy all your extra Xbox Ones? I want to sell them on eBay."

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out."

He left quickly.

On the subject of people thinking different chain stores have a hive mind

There are certain things we can't share between stores. Pre-orders are a big one. If you put down a deposit on something, that deposit is tied to the specific location. It's done that way for security and inventory reasons. Of course, the customers are never happy when we take precautions to protect their money.

I wasn't there for the first part of the fight, but apparently some loser got in a huge fight with The Veteran because he couldn't find his preorder. The first question is always, "Did you do the pre-order at another store? We can't share pre-order information between stores." Regardless, this guy did another pre-order for Ghosts, and left. Apparently.

He came back, rage-ablazin', during the Ghosts midnight release.

"I FOUND MY RECEIPT!" he shouted. "THAT GUY HERE BEFORE TOLD ME HE COULDN'T FIND MY PRE-ORDER BUT I FOUND MY RECEIPT."

He triumphantly threw the receipt down in front of me. I glanced at it.

"I KNEW I DID IT HERE. I DID THE PRE-ORDER RIGHT HERE."

"This is a receipt for [store on the other side of town]," I said flatly, pointing to the store name and address printed at the top of the receipt.

".......oh."

"Did he tell you we can't look up pre-orders from other stores?"

"........."

"Would you still like to pick up Ghosts?"

".....yeah."

"I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!"

"I thought this Xbox came with the internet!" is our go-to joke stupid-question-that-customers-ask.

"Oh, I have a really silly question- can I hook my 360 up to a standard definition TV?"

"Yes, you can! And believe me, that's not a silly question at all. We get people complaining because they thought their Xbox came with the internet."

One of my first customers ever was a woman who didn't understand why her DSi couldn't connect to the internet in her internet-free home. (At least a DSi is a handheld, though, so someone who doesn't understand the difference between WiFi and 3G could get it confused with their phone service.) I haven't had an "I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!" person for a while, so I don't think there are any posts about it on this blog. But never fear, my friends!

THE STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN!

I got a phone call yesterday from a gentleman who had bought an Xbox and a subscription to Xbox Live. He had screaming kids in the background, and I'm pretty sure he was talking on speaker, which makes every phone call great. He told me he couldn't figure out how to redeem the code on the Xbox Live card.

"The directions for how to redeem the code are printed on the card," I said. As are the words, I might add, "broadband internet required."

 "IT KEEPS TELLING ME TO GET A MODEM OR A ROUTER OR SOMETHING," he shouted.

Pause.

"Do you have an internet connection in your house?"

"NO. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME I NEEDED ONE."

Pause.

"You can't use internet services without an internet connection."

"THEY TOLD ME I COULD GET MY NETFLIX ON HERE."

"...you need an internet connection to stream Netflix. It's an internet service."

"MAN, THIS IS MESSED UP."

No it's not.

"WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME I NEEDED INTERNET FOR NETFLIX!?"

Long pause. Total silence. Resisting the urge to say "because I'm sure they thought they didn't have to."

"WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS LIVE WITH NO INTERNET!?"

Pause.

"Literally nothing. Xbox Live is the name of the 360's internet service."

"I BET I CAN'T EVEN RETURN THIS."

"What store did you get it from?"

"YOURS!"

"The [location] location?"

"YEAH!"

"If you have your receipt and it's been less than thirty days, we can give you a refund," I said.

He never showed, which means he either lied outright when he said he got it at our location, or he doesn't understand that different stores in the same chain are run by different people, and don't have some sort of hive mind. Either way, I'm sure the other store was thrilled to deal with him while he ranted about how some lady on the other side of town told him he could have a refund if he brought his receipt. 

The Saga of Comrade Asshat

At my job, it's typical for old collector's editions to go on mega sale, because no one cares about them after the game's been out for a month. My store literally still has a sealed copy of the Killzone 3 Helghast Edition on the shelves.

I'm not making that up.

So, we recently had a price drop on the Injustice: Gods Among Us collector's edition, and as such, our website is completely sold out of them. Normal Guy came in one day to ask if there's another way to get it. 

Now, Normal Guy shops at our store all the time, so I decided to go out on a limb for him.

"I can ask [store on the other side of the state] to mail us one for you," I said.

"Great. Can I pay for it now?"

"No, because I don't know when it'll get here." Note that I did not take this man's money.

"So, can I pick it up this weekend?" It was Friday.

"No, but it might be here sometime next week."

I called the other store, and they said they would send it. I told Normal Guy that it was being shipped, and that I would call him when it arrived. 

Fast forward one week. It should be noted that this week is Grand Theft Auto week, so all our stores have been insanely busy. He called the store.

"HI, THIS IS [NORMAL GUY.] I ORDERED AN INJUSTICE COLLECTOR'S EDITION AND I WAS WONDERING IF IT'S EVER COMING."

"One sec, let me check on that." I put him on hold and call the store that was supposed to send it to us.

"Hi, did you send us that Injustice?"

"Uh, no, it's still here. I'll get that sent out for you."

So, the other store never sent it. I went back to the other line to give him an update, but he'd hung up on me. I looked up his rewards info and tried to call him, but the number attached to his rewards card was disconnected.

Fast forward one day, to today. First thing when the store opened, I got a call from our corporate office.

"Hi, I just got a call from a customer named [Normal Guy]," she began.

We're going to update his name to Comrade Asshat.

"Comrade Asshat ordered a copy of Injustice and hasn't received it yet," she said.

"Yeah. He hasn't bought anything, I just told him we'd try to get another store to send it to us, and I just got confirmation that the other store sent it. Whenever Comrade Asshat calls us, he hangs up, and the phone number we have for him is disconnected. We have no way to get in touch with him."

"...Oh." Corporate lady sounded like she felt bad for me. "This is the phone number he gave me. I'll... call him and tell him it's on the way."

I anticipate that Comrade Asshat, if the game gets here and if we can actually get ahold of him, will ask for an additional discount for his trouble.

I anticipate that we'll all laugh in his face.

I am not a guard dog

Whenever anyone tries to intentionally leave something here (their kids, unfinalized trades, their wallet, and so on), I always say the same thing:

"We're not responsible for anything that happens to [him/her/it/them] while you're gone."

Sometimes people get mad about it, but hey, it's true. I'm obviously not going to let someone hurt a child in front of me, but there's nothing I can do if I'm not watching, or the kid decides to leave the store. There's a reason you have to pay babysitters to watch your kids.

We get people leaving their stuff here all the time, without even telling us, too. We had someone once who plugged his PSP into the wall to charge it, left it there, and freaked out on us when it got stolen.

Unless one of us stole it, that's not our problem. You abandoned your property in a public space.

Why do people think they can leave shit in a store, anyway?

LITERALLY ANYONE CAN COME IN HERE AND TOUCH ANYTHING!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF STORES!

Introducing: Coworker Awesome Sauce

My basically unmentioned final coworker, who wants to be called "Awesome Sauce" (ASS for short), is the last of our part-time people. You may remember him from when he barfed in this post. Mr. Awesome Sauce is, naturally, our resident super high-maintenance cashier, who has more degrees than everyone else in the store combined. (Every store has one.) This is actually his last week, as he's decided to become a full-time dog walker instead. You know, because he'd rather literally handle shit than work at my store.

I don't really blame him.

Today, some weirdo came in with a busted Wii U and started ranting. This is not uncommon, so I missed the first part of it.

"-and I spent forever on the phone with Nintendo, and it's totally busted, and it was supposed to be new but it wasn't," he was saying. His girlfriend was with him, punctuating the story with complaints about some return policy I didn't recognize.

"Um, what?" I asked.
                                                     
"I got this on eBay and it's not new at all," he said. ASS stepped in.

"How much did you pay for it?"

"$265," said Weirdo.

"Wow," said ASS. "That's a great deal."

(No. No it is not.)

"It would be if it worked,"  said Weirdo.

(Doubtful.)

"So- why is it here?" I asked, pointing at the boxed Wii U in Weirdo's hands. I was genuinely concerned that he was going to try to get us to exchange it for him. Luckily, Weirdo wasn't quite that stupid.

"I want to trade it towards getting a new Zelda Wii U," he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa hold on," said ASS. "This was a huge rip-off when you bought it, but when we buy it it's totally fine?"

Weirdo looked right into ASS's eyes, with a perfectly blank face. And after a long moment, he said:

"Yes."

My shift was over and I was on my way out, so I missed the end of the saga of Weirdo's Busted eBay Wii U. Apparently, though, bossbro refused the trade because the cords had exposed wiring. Then Weirdo's Girlfriend complained that Pokémon was too expensive, and they went on their merry way.

And I totally got permission to call Mr. Awesome Sauce ASS on the internet, so, win-win.  

No, seriously, is it September 17 yet?

Today, a man spent about twenty minutes trying to bribe me into giving him his Grand Theft Auto V early. This sort of thing isn't uncommon at all, but luckily, I hate all our customers, so it's easy not to give into temptation.

"Come on," he said. "I already paid for it, just give it to me early."

"I can't do that," I said. "[Store] gets fined, and I would lose my job."

"I have $40 cash I can give you," he said.

"I'm too poor to lose my job over this," I said.

I mean, seriously. If you're gonna ask me to lose my job, you've got to give me at least $1000. For food and stuff. If you pay my rent and bills until I find a new job, I will happily give you your GTA V.

I mean, what kind of asshole asks someone to lose their job so they can have a toy two days early?

BOGO: A Rant

Whenever we have any sort of "Buy One, Get One" sale, we inevitably run into the same group of willfully clueless shoppers who refuse to understand how BOGO works and try to get something super expensive for free without spending any money.

I mean, really, guys? You really didn't think the store would see through your brilliant scheme to buy something for 99 cents, and then get a $90 item for free? My favorite is when people aggressively hand me their items in a certain order with the cheaper ones first, as if that's what matters. 

These people genuinely believe that "Buy One, Get One" means that if they buy something, they get to pick out anything they want for free. I've even seen people writing to corporations to complain that BOGO is "a scam" because they weren't able to get their $90 thing for free.

It's not a "Here, Have Some Free Expensive Shit!" sale.

Literally every store ever has done some variation of the BOGO promotion. It always works the same way. This is not rocket math. Buy one thing, get a second thing of equal or lesser value free. You can have a free $90 item if you first buy a $90 item. 

I guess we can chalk this up to things I can't believe people still don't understand, such as the fact that a retailer doesn't produce most, if any, of the products it sells. ("You guys need to stop making those shooter games!!" "Wait, what?") I mean, above all else, the retailer is a business, and it's there to turn a profit. Which leads me to my favorite retail complaint:

"THIS STORE ONLY CARES ABOUT MAKING MONEY!!"

...Yes. That is correct. 

I mean, obviously we shouldn't be ok with companies that profit at the expense of things that matter, like the environment, or human rights. But if your sole issue is that you think a store is greedy and money-grubbing because they won't give you free stuff?

I mean, really, bro?

I should start recording the things these people say and then playing it back for them.