Merry Christmas Eve!

This morning, on my way to work at 6:30 AM, I accidentally shut my hand in my car door. Now it's starting to show bruising.

"My poor fingers are bruising," I said.

"Do you need to put something cold on it? asked Free Shirt. "I can get you some snow and a paper towel."

Happy belated birthday, Jim Morrison!

So yesterday, The Veteran, who is always a ray of sunshine, comes into work and says:

"Man, it's Jim Morrison's birthday. I'm already older than he was when he died, and I haven't done anything."

Then I said,

"Look at it this way. I bet Jim Morrison didn't have all of the original Skylanders figurines!"

"World's Best Boss" mug. From giftsforageek.com

There's a website called Black Friday Death Count

Black Friday Death Count

Good thing someone's counting, I guess? My job as a cashier should not be hazardous to my bodily safety, but it often is. Register jockeys get threatened with violence all the time.

And someone actually punched bossbro in the face once, but that deserves its own post.

This is what you get for trying to be funny at me

A conversation I just had with Free-Shirt, submitted without comment:

"Wanna hear a terrible pun?"

"Sure."

"Why did the bear get fired from his job?" she asked. Pause. "Because he wasn't koala-fied!"

Long pause.

"Koalas aren't bears."

"Get out."

A normal-looking middle-aged man came in and walked to the register, where he had the misfortune of encountering ladyboss.

"Hey," he said. "Can I buy all your extra Xbox Ones? I want to sell them on eBay."

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out."

He left quickly.

Call of Duty is here

Got home from the midnight release. It was surprisingly calm, as was the double release for Battlefield 4 and Assassin's Creed IV. I have a creeping sense of dread that everyone's waiting to buy all this crap for the new consoles, a week from now.

If I get mauled by holiday shoppers, tell my family that I love them.

We have a sort of tradition at my store where we give out prizes to people who know our names. Sometimes we have real trivia, or a raffle, but we always do the super secret special trivia question:

"WHAT IS MY NAME?"

Our names print at the top of every receipt for every transaction we do, so even if we're not wearing name tags, it's easy to find if you think about it. And all of us except The Veteran have extremely common names. Besides, it's a fun Get To Know Your Game Store Register Jockey activity, and it's all in good fun.

None of the people in the first line group knew who I was. It's the Call of Duty people- they come in once a year.

"It's a really common name," I hinted. "Really common." Someone guessed it almost immediately. We gave him his prize- a Call of Duty tchotchke. He didn't even want it, so he gave it to a kid in line. And while all this is happening, an older gentleman in the front shouts:

"THAT IS NOT A COMMON NAME."

Trust me when I say I have a common name. There were at least three of me in every class growing up.

"It is for people my age," I said. "It was the number one girl's name in the country every year for over a decade in the 80s and 90s." He grumbled a bit, took his game, and left.

On the plus side, almost everyone in that first group thanked me by name when I handed them their games. It was actually really sweet.

Thanks, customers! You're all right.

Even if you do play Call of Duty.

We're super qualified

Bossbro has a habit of not checking the schedule and coming in at the wrong time. So, it was no surprise that when I got in this morning, he was waiting for me, eating a breakfast sandwich in his car like a hobo.

"[BOSSBRO]!" I shouted.

"Hi, [Miss Blog Lady]," he said.

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS."

"I love this store so much."

"YOU ARE EATING A BREAKFAST SANDWICH IN YOUR CAR LIKE A HOBO."

"And I like the abuse."

"WHY."

"See you later, [Miss Blog Lady.]"

Then bossbro drove off, and I dragged my extremely sick self into the store in a shambling, crazed manner not unlike a zombie.

We're a hot mess.

On parents who buy Grand Theft Auto for their tiny children

I hate Kotaku.

I hate everyone who reads Kotaku.

I hate it every time someone mentions to me something they read on Kotaku.

The Veteran is always texting me links to Kotaku articles he thinks I'll enjoy. (And, ok, I usually do enjoy them as long as there aren't any naked people, but I still hate Kotaku.) I mentioned this to Awesome Sauce, and he started sending me Kotaku links all the time, too.

So, what happens when there's some breaking video game news that I would be interested in?

The day it was announced that Tales of Xillia 2 was coming to the U.S., this is how my morning went:

First, I get a text from Awesome Sauce, saying "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S."

About five minutes later, The Veteran texts me a link to a Kotaku article about how Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.

I walk into work, and bossbro greets me with a "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.!"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GENTLEMEN, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

All of the above is to highlight the extreme reluctance with which I am posting a link to a Kotaku article that was recommended to me by AsS:

I Sold Too Many Copies of GTA V to Parents who Didn't Give a Damn.

The other day I mass-texted everyone I know:

"I'm really tired of explaining to parents that Grand Theft Auto is basically softcore porn."

"Just write those exact words on a sign," my friend Wolfie* wrote back.

But seriously.


The list of warnings on the back of GTA is ridiculously long. Blood! Gore! Extreme violence! Strong language! Nudity! Strong sexual content! Mature themes! Whenever I read through it for a parent who's in the store with a ten-year-old kid, they yawn and wave me through.

"You literally torture a guy. You waterboard a guy on screen."

"He's already seen all that stuff on TV." (What the hell is your kid watching!?)

"You own and manage a strip club."

"WHAT!?"

Extreme violence hasn't fazed a single person. But the minute you mention the boobies, everyone freaks out. And even then, they still want to buy the game, so we encourage them to flip through the strategy guide and see the screenshots.

And even then, literally only one person ever has opted not to buy the game at my store since the release.

Without fail, every time I start mentioning the extreme violence and sexytimes, all of these people ask:

"They can put that stuff in a game!?"

"It's not designed for kids," I say, every time. "The average gamer is in their 30s. And the people who played the original Grand Theft Auto are in their 40s now."

I think some people hear the word "game" and immediately assume "children's toy." People who ramble about games like Grand Theft Auto V ruining kids are missing the point that there are games that are not meant to be played by children. After all, it's impossible to get access to an R-rated movie or an M-rated game without parental consent.

If you buy something that says "Strong Sexual Content" on the packaging, you should also be prepared for your child to come up and you asking what "pimps" and "hos" are.

I understand that children are different, and what's appropriate for one child might not be for another. I played Grand Theft Auto III when I was ten, and I turned out ok. It was my 17-years-old-at-the-time-now-he's-old brother's game, and I would play it when he wasn't around. I would drive around in the cars and follow traffic laws. I was a well-read child, with two older siblings, and I wasn't unaware of the existence of sex workers, nor was I ever really taught to demean or dehumanize them, so I wasn't confused or bothered by what was going on.

Extreme torture, though? That would even bother me now. There were several parts in my first playthrough of Borderlands 2, which I loved, where I had to stop playing because it was too intense. (Maybe I'll write a post about that someday.) And that's sci-fi/fantasy, not true crime. And I'm almost 25 years old.

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been about pushing limits, both in game design and in storytelling, for years. It's supposed to be edgy and controversial. And even if you find the story trite and silly (ahem), you can't deny that GTA is a poster franchise for Games As A Grown-Up, Edgy Storytelling Medium.

Controversial entertainment isn't typically accessible or appropriate for kids.

For example, this one time, a dad and a little boy, no older than six or seven, came in looking for a game.

"He likes playing Grand Theft Auto at his uncle's house, but we don't want to buy it for him, so we're looking for something similar but not as... bad," said the dad. "He likes having a big open city to run around in."

"Ok," I said. "How about Batman: Arkham City? You have a pretty open area to explore, and it's Batman, so you still get to beat up bad guys."

"Does that sound interesting?" the dad asked the kid. And the kid immediately turned to me, and asked, with a perfectly serious face:

"Does Batman shoot cops?"

I was so taken aback by the question that I just squeaked out:

"Batman doesn't shoot anybody."

Kids who play games like Grand Theft Auto are, at best, the equivalent of a kid bragging about how he watched all the Saw movies and didn't get scared, and at worst, miniature sociopaths who like to shoot cops, with a lot of poorly delivered sex ed in between.

Please, people. Listen when some bitter, disillusioned register jockey is telling you that what you're purchasing might be a bit too much for your kid.

Because when you're furious that your 8-year-old suddenly knows the meanings and usage of a dozen different racial slurs and the term "Dirty Sanchez," well, you've got nothing to blame but your own hands-off parenting. 

*My only friend who had the decency to already have an internet alias before I started blogging. Seriously, my funny nickname muscle is tired. 

Texts from my ex-coworkers

"Technically, it should be AsS, not ASS." - Awesome Sauce

Conversations with Ladyboss

Ladyboss is in the back room with me while I eat lunch.

"I DON'T WANNA SELL COPIES OF GRAND THEFT AUTO ANYMORE."

The door buzzes. She peeks out into the store.

"DAMMIT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE."

Introducing: Coworker Awesome Sauce

My basically unmentioned final coworker, who wants to be called "Awesome Sauce" (ASS for short), is the last of our part-time people. You may remember him from when he barfed in this post. Mr. Awesome Sauce is, naturally, our resident super high-maintenance cashier, who has more degrees than everyone else in the store combined. (Every store has one.) This is actually his last week, as he's decided to become a full-time dog walker instead. You know, because he'd rather literally handle shit than work at my store.

I don't really blame him.

Today, some weirdo came in with a busted Wii U and started ranting. This is not uncommon, so I missed the first part of it.

"-and I spent forever on the phone with Nintendo, and it's totally busted, and it was supposed to be new but it wasn't," he was saying. His girlfriend was with him, punctuating the story with complaints about some return policy I didn't recognize.

"Um, what?" I asked.
                                                     
"I got this on eBay and it's not new at all," he said. ASS stepped in.

"How much did you pay for it?"

"$265," said Weirdo.

"Wow," said ASS. "That's a great deal."

(No. No it is not.)

"It would be if it worked,"  said Weirdo.

(Doubtful.)

"So- why is it here?" I asked, pointing at the boxed Wii U in Weirdo's hands. I was genuinely concerned that he was going to try to get us to exchange it for him. Luckily, Weirdo wasn't quite that stupid.

"I want to trade it towards getting a new Zelda Wii U," he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa hold on," said ASS. "This was a huge rip-off when you bought it, but when we buy it it's totally fine?"

Weirdo looked right into ASS's eyes, with a perfectly blank face. And after a long moment, he said:

"Yes."

My shift was over and I was on my way out, so I missed the end of the saga of Weirdo's Busted eBay Wii U. Apparently, though, bossbro refused the trade because the cords had exposed wiring. Then Weirdo's Girlfriend complained that Pokémon was too expensive, and they went on their merry way.

And I totally got permission to call Mr. Awesome Sauce ASS on the internet, so, win-win.  

Conversations with Bossbro

Bossbro, naturally, is the only one in my store who bought Grand Theft Auto V. He also stayed up all night playing it, because duh.

"So, I got to take Chop for a walk," he said. Chop is the dog on the cover. "And while you're doing that, you can switch to Chop's point of view. So I'm in first person doggie view, and halfway through the walk, I just veer off and start humping this other dog. I got to watch first-person dog humping."

"And you liked it," I said.

"No! It was super weird."

"So, it was weird because you liked it?"

"Franklin pulls Chop off the other dog, and he's like "Come on, man! That's not even a girl dog!" so I got a first person view of some gay dog sex."

"And you liked it," I said.

"No!"

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

The glorious return of Free-Shirt

A particularly, ah, fragrant man was pushing Free-Shirt around while she tried to do a preorder for him.

"God. That guy smelled like all of my uncles," she said, after he finally left. "Like, cheap booze and dirty clothes."

"So, he smelled like a druncle?" I asked.

"Yes! He smelled like multiple druncles."

I challenge all of you to use the word "druncle" at least three times today. No, seriously. Your day will be better for it.

Texts from my coworkers

"Guy just called asking where he could get replacement bulbs for a slot machine." - Ladyboss, 8/13/13

MUSIC SCHOOL!

Avid followers of the life and times of Miss Blog Lady may be aware that I am, in fact, a music student, at a reasonably reputable university. Or at least, I was. I'm done with the music part of my degree, thank God.

Music school is terrible and you should not go to there. Pick a different dream. No, seriously.

Today, at work with ladyboss, we were playing Animal Crossing, because of course we were. I went to change my town tune.

"Do the Zelda theme," she said. I did a version of it, but it doesn't really fit into the format Animal Crossing gives us without changing the rhythm and making it sound wrong.

"Do the Mario theme," she said.

"Well, I can't do the Mario theme proper because there's accidentals and they only give you a C major scale in the game, but I can do the intro, or other parts of it," I said.

"I don't know what any of that means, but it sounds neat."

Transcribing music has always come so naturally to me that I'm totally that douche who genuinely forgets that other people can't do this stuff. Maybe I should start checking my Musician Privilege. (And no, I do not have perfect pitch, for the people who know what that is and are wondering.)

Regardless, here are some OFFICIAL BLOG LADY ANIMAL CROSSING TRANSCRIPTIONS.

Want to have the Mario theme as your town tune? Well, here it is:

Or how about the Metroid theme? You know, the one that plays while you're stepping out of your save pod thingy.

Or the Kirby theme:

Or the Pokémon Center jingle:

 How about Saria's Song?

Feeling festive? We've got Jingle Bells:

You can buddy up with someone in another town to get both halves of the phrase:

It is America's birthday. Why not the national anthem?

We've got an only slightly crunched version of the Star Wars theme:

And then the Jurassic Park theme:

We can even branch into pop music. Like the chorus of Justin Bieber's OMG hit single, Somebody to Love:

And, at last, the song I decided was going to be come the new Balsaq town tune. Bragging rights if you can tell what it is:

Send in the requests, loyal readers! If it's in simple meter and it fits into either a major or natural minor scale, I can put that shit into Animal Crossing.

I'd say "thank God I went to music school," but I could do this before going to music school.


No, for real. Fuck music school.

Happy Birthday, Bossbro!

Today is bossbro's 26th birthday. I made him a Diglett. His name is Diggles.

This time I took a picture BEFORE putting it in the super reflective frame. Genius!

Sometimes I worry that my interests, such as "sticking pieces of paper together to form pictures," are too specific for people to be able to relate to me.

And then some other times I'm like, eh.

More Super Metroid

At work with The Veteran the other day, we were talking about how I've been playing Super Metroid. He revealed to me that he has never been able to finish Super Metroid.

"WHAT," I said.

"I can't figure out how to get to Ridley through that lava pit," he said.

"DO YOU HAVE GRAVITY SUIT," I said.

"Yeah, I think so," he said.

"DO YOU HAVE SPACE JUMP," I said.

"What's the Space Jump?" he said.

What followed was a lengthy verbal walk-through, with hand motions, of how to get to Maridia's boss, kill that motherfucker, and get you some Space Jump. Customers gathered around, mesmerized by my intense played-too-many-timesing of Super Metroid. It all ended with this helpful and informative diagram:

A professional-quality sketch of Samus zapping Draygon with her grapple beam.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf

HEY, Y'ALL! GUESS WHAT I DID TODAY!

If your guess was "spent four hours at my job on my day off playing Animal Crossing with my coworkers," you would be CORRECT!

I am now the proud mayor of Balsaq. Ladyboss named her town Gobville, and bossbro named his Bat Cave. Balsaq is the superior town, by like, a lot. Obviously.

We don't have many outlets in our back room, and most of them are being used by way-less-important-than-Animal-Crossing crap like security equipment, so I spent a good chunk my morning playing my 3DS in our filthy bathroom.

I went to work on my day off to play video games with my coworkers, in a bathroom.

But look at how cute we are!

Well, I'm not cute. I got stung by a bee.

Bossbro's been sending his townspeople letters telling them that Balsaq gives you cancer, but I retaliated by letting them know that bossbro's leadership is bad for the working animal, and that my town has free beer.

Plus, this penguin calls me ladybro, and that's great.

"I thought, if this ladybro's in charge, Balsaq is in good hands!"

Your Balsaq is in good hands, Iggly. It's in good hands.

I think I'm a bad influence on my coworkers

And now I present to you, my loyal readers, some store-produced fan art that WAS NOT drawn by me!

A stick figure drawing of The Banana Stand. We're Arrested Development people.

Thank you, bossbro, for this beautiful addition to my day. My happiness and job satisfaction owe you a great debt.

I used to have a coworker whose name was Michael. Everyone in the store always referred to him as "...Michael," in the Gob voice. I miss that. We need to hire another Michael.

I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS, LADYBOSS. HIRE ANOTHER DUDE NAMED MICHAEL.

I've made a huge mistake.

Happy Memorial Day!

I hate holidays.

Contrary to popular opinion, lowly retail workers such as myself do not get paid extra for working on holidays. On top of that, everyone who comes into the store on a major holiday is crazy. Like the people who are depressed because they have no one to spend the holiday with, and take it out on us. Or the parents who drop in to buy electronic "babysitters" for their kids, so that mommy and daddy can get their drink on at the neighborhood BBQ.

Working on Memorial Day and Veterans' Day is especially depressing, because my job explicitly does not offer military discounts.

"Oh, you're in the military? NO YOU CANNOT HAVE 10% OFF A VIDEO GAME THING" - My Job.

We do have one real-life veteran who works at my store, who I will call The Veteran, both because he is an actual military veteran, and because he's been working there since the dawn of time.

Thank you for your service to our country, The Veteran!

No, you cannot have 10% off video game things, or real health care, or any other benefits, really. All you get are some generic Facebook thank yous twice a year, which, you have to admit, is still almost as good as being able to afford food on a regular basis.

Happy Memorial Day!