Really, bro?

Just had a guy get mad at me because we would "only" give him $397 for his PS4 if he traded it to us towards buying an Xbox One.

UM, THAT'S WHAT YOU PAID FOR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, DIPSHIT! 

People, man. 

Um, what

So, right now I'm watching Castle on Hulu Plus, because obviously. It just went to an ad break, and my Xbox 360 told me to go out and preorder Dead Rising 3 for the Xbox One.

UM, THAT GAME CAME OUT THREE WEEKS AGO WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING PREORDERS OF IT WHY WHY WHY WHY

Also, thank god Beckett got fired from the FBI. Those episodes were terrible.

And the winners keep on rolling

Today I got a call from someone who had an Xbox One preordered at the store. He wanted to know how long we could hold it for him, since he "spent all his money at the bar last night" and didn't know when he was getting paid next.

SOLUTION: He should team up with the food stamps guy and have wacky sitcom adventures that end with neither of them getting a next-gen console.

"Get out."

A normal-looking middle-aged man came in and walked to the register, where he had the misfortune of encountering ladyboss.

"Hey," he said. "Can I buy all your extra Xbox Ones? I want to sell them on eBay."

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out."

He left quickly.

A new horror

So, Microsoft announced that the Xbox One was going to have not-quite-as-severe-but-PC-esque restrictions on game sharing, and requirements for near-constant internet access. Everyone threw a hissy fit. Microsoft backtracked, saying that now game sharing will be unrestricted as with the Xbox 360, and an internet connection will only be necessary for system updates and internet-specific features.

Cool, right?

After weeks of listening to everyone and their mother whine and moan about XBone restrictions, the announcement was a huge relief. Now, when people started ranting about how Microsoft wanted to take all their money and murder their pets, instead of going into a long spiel about how game trading will be allowed under limited circumstances that I don't fully understand, I could just sigh and say "No. All of that is false. They changed their mind."

What I didn't count on was the fact that apparently, no one knows the difference between "able to play second-hand games" and "backwards compatible."

"So, will the Xbox One be able to play Xbox 360 games?" asked an otherwise innocuous customer one day.

"No, it can't," I said.

"Microsoft said it could," he pressed.

"No, they didn't," I said, confused. Despite their total abortion of a press release, no one affiliated with Microsoft has ever even suggested that the Xbox One would ever be able to Xbox 360 discs.

"Yeah, originally it couldn't, but then they went back on it and said you could play old games," he said.

Oh. Oh, no.

"They're allowing used games," I said. "The system still isn't going to be backwards compatible."

"Yeah, so I can play my used 360 games," he said.

"No. You can play used Xbox One games. The system isn't backwards compatible with games designed on the 360."

"So- wait, what does that mean?"

"You can only play Xbox One games on an Xbox One."

I've been having identical versions of this conversation with all sorts of people since Microsoft's announcement. I'm in a new circle of torture. Why is it so difficult to grasp the concept that the Xbox 360 and the Xbox One have completely different hardware? Is it because they both read discs? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of discs there are?

The Xbox 360 isn't backwards compatible, either, so why would the Xbox One be? Sony abandoned making their systems backwards compatible years ago, and it doesn't seem to have affected their sales. If you want backwards compatibility, then buy a Nintendo console.

No, seriously. I love my Wii U more than anything in the world.

MAKIN' A TAG FOR IT.

This man is amazing

I don't mean to diminish the very serious potential privacy issues associated with an always-on recording device in your living room, but holy shit, this guy. 

I want him to go on speaking tours.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. 

"So when where ya gonna tell all of us Xbox Lovers that you support Obama and your letting the NEW Xbox One HAVE TOO Stay on and scan the House and Listen to EVERYTHING and it is also Government USED !!!! so your Basically telling us we are gonna Screw you all and get all of you in Trouble or Arrested and so on so on REALLY !!!!!!!!! i have been boycotting this sytem in TN TX GA and KY and all over the NET Fix this or be Screwed YOUR SELF !!!!!!!"

The punctuation and random capitals belong, of course, to the original author. Or in this case, word artisan. ]