Really, bro?

A guy just came in to return a DS because he claimed it wasn't able to charge, because the charge light wouldn't stay lit.

We had to explain to him that the charge light goes out when the battery is done charging.

On the subject of hard drives

Today, a man came in to buy Grand Theft Auto V. Much like many other games that have come out this year, GTA V requires a partial install to play. So, I ask this guy if he has 8 GB of free space on his system.

"What's the basic amount?"

"...4 GB," I said.

"Yeah, I had one of those hard drives but I sold it to some kid." Super. "I can't play Grand Theft Auto at all?"

"No. It requires an 8 GB install."

"Why!?"

"Game developers have hit the limit of what the 360 can do," I said. "GTA V is too big a game to run off of a disc. You can't even play Battlefield 4 without a real hard drive. "

"How can they do that!?"

"...it's not their fault that you sold your hard drive."

He ended up buying GTA V and a 16 GB flash drive, only to return twenty minutes later to return it because he "couldn't justify spending that much."

"I'd rather just put that money towards a One," he said.

"You can't play Grand Theft Auto V on an Xbox One," I said. If he understood me or cared, he didn't show it.

And, naturally, he paid with a Visa gift card, so we got to go through the whole song and dance about how Visa gift cards aren't refundable as Visa gift cards. Hooray!

Stop asking me for the internet

"PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I CAN GET THE INTERNET ON MY WII."

"Uh, yeah, you can."

"HOW DO I DO THAT?"

Now, less experienced register jockeys would start going into the settings on the Wii, but not I.

"Do you have an internet connection? Like, do you have internet in your house?"

"I CAN DO THE INTERNET ON MY PHONE."

"That's probably 3G- the Wii only connects to WiFi. So, you would need an internet connection and a wireless router."

"DO YOU SELL THAT HERE?"

"No, we don't sell... internet hook-up supplies."

In hindsight, depending on her phone plan, it might be possible for her to set up a WiFi hot spot using her phone, but I would have no idea how to explain that to somebody.

But WHO'S ON FIRST!?

The other day, we had some Wiiple trying to return a Wii remote because they claimed it didn't work, when really the issue was that they hadn't synced it. This happens all the time. So I opened up the Wiimote to show them where the sync button is.

"See this red button here? There's an identical button on the front of the Wii, inside the panel next to the disc slot. All you need to do is push those the buttons at the same time." The girl asked,

"So, what do I push on the Wii?"

Pause.

"There's a panel on the front of the Wii, next to the disc tray. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"Red... you mean the power button?"

"No. There's a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"But what do I push on the Wii?"

"There's a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"NO. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I PUSH ON THE WII."

"That's what I'm telling you," I said, tired of repeating myself. "There is a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you will see a red button that looks just like this one. That is the button that you push."

"Oooohhhhhh," she said. She and her mom left to pick out a game. The mom came back almost immediately.

"Can you explain that again?"

"The directions are in the box."

"I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!"

"I thought this Xbox came with the internet!" is our go-to joke stupid-question-that-customers-ask.

"Oh, I have a really silly question- can I hook my 360 up to a standard definition TV?"

"Yes, you can! And believe me, that's not a silly question at all. We get people complaining because they thought their Xbox came with the internet."

One of my first customers ever was a woman who didn't understand why her DSi couldn't connect to the internet in her internet-free home. (At least a DSi is a handheld, though, so someone who doesn't understand the difference between WiFi and 3G could get it confused with their phone service.) I haven't had an "I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!" person for a while, so I don't think there are any posts about it on this blog. But never fear, my friends!

THE STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN!

I got a phone call yesterday from a gentleman who had bought an Xbox and a subscription to Xbox Live. He had screaming kids in the background, and I'm pretty sure he was talking on speaker, which makes every phone call great. He told me he couldn't figure out how to redeem the code on the Xbox Live card.

"The directions for how to redeem the code are printed on the card," I said. As are the words, I might add, "broadband internet required."

 "IT KEEPS TELLING ME TO GET A MODEM OR A ROUTER OR SOMETHING," he shouted.

Pause.

"Do you have an internet connection in your house?"

"NO. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME I NEEDED ONE."

Pause.

"You can't use internet services without an internet connection."

"THEY TOLD ME I COULD GET MY NETFLIX ON HERE."

"...you need an internet connection to stream Netflix. It's an internet service."

"MAN, THIS IS MESSED UP."

No it's not.

"WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME I NEEDED INTERNET FOR NETFLIX!?"

Long pause. Total silence. Resisting the urge to say "because I'm sure they thought they didn't have to."

"WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS LIVE WITH NO INTERNET!?"

Pause.

"Literally nothing. Xbox Live is the name of the 360's internet service."

"I BET I CAN'T EVEN RETURN THIS."

"What store did you get it from?"

"YOURS!"

"The [location] location?"

"YEAH!"

"If you have your receipt and it's been less than thirty days, we can give you a refund," I said.

He never showed, which means he either lied outright when he said he got it at our location, or he doesn't understand that different stores in the same chain are run by different people, and don't have some sort of hive mind. Either way, I'm sure the other store was thrilled to deal with him while he ranted about how some lady on the other side of town told him he could have a refund if he brought his receipt. 

Apparently the new Batman game is too hard for the bros

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have not played Batman: Arkham Origins, nor have I played Arkham Asylum or Arkham City (even though I know the ending.) I can't personally attest to the difficulty level. Ladyboss has been playing the game like a maniac, though, and she commented on how hard some of the boss fights were- there were a few she had to do twice. So, you know, there's some level of skill involved.

Because it's a game that requires some level of skill, everybro has been bringing it back to the store to complain about how terrible it is.

One particular repeat-offense bro who also traded in Assassin's Creed IV because he got stuck somewhere came in today to also trade in Arkham Origins. 

"This game is terrible!" he complained, tossing it on the counter.

"Why is it terrible?"

"It's too hard! Why is it so hard? Kids can't play that!"

"Well, most games aren't really designed with kids in mind," I said. "The average gamer is in their 30s."

"It's too hard! I got stuck in Assassin's Creed, and now I'm stuck in Arkham!"

"So, you're trading in the new Batman game because it was too hard for you?" I asked.

Pause.

"Well, you know, it's not that it was hard," he said. "It was just difficult."

Well, that clears that up.

Retail Wiiple support

The most common problems with the Wii are that the power cord gets fried, or the Wiimotes fall out of sync. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure my busted old Wii could survive nuclear armaggedon.

"The disc tray stopped working on my Wii."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO IT!?"

Regardless, we're constantly getting calls from people who can't figure out how to sync their Wii and Xbox controllers. 

Like today.

A woman calls me, wanting to return a Wii she bought six months ago because the Wiimote fell out of sync.

"You just need to re-sync your Wiimote," I said. "Do you know how to sync your Wiimote?"

"No."

I walk her through syncing her Wiimote. Basically, there's a red button on the remote, and a red button on the Wii, and you push them at the same time.

"Does the Wii have to be turned on?"

"Yes."

A long pause.

"IT'S NOT WORKING."

At that point, I gave up and gave her Nintendo's support line, because they hopefully have a tried-and-true phone script for dealing with these people. Otherwise, she's going to be really disappointed when she comes in looking for a refund and instead I sync her Wiimote for her.

The last woman who had this same issue ranted for twenty minutes about our defective products, watched me sync the controller in less than thirty seconds, shouted "WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK WHEN I DID IT," grabbed her Wii, and flounced out of the store.

Conversations with Ladyboss

A customer comes up to ladyboss.

"Can you play Wii games on the GameCube?"

"No, but you can play GameCube games on a Wii."

"What? That doesn't make any sense!"

"...Yes it does."

"That's totally backwards!"

And yes, she had a smart phone

A woman came in today with a busted up Nintendo DSi, one that clearly belonged to a child.

"My son's birthday is coming up, and we were hoping to trade in his old DSi so we could get some money off of a 3DS," she said.

I'm going to note now that I somehow made it through all of this without ever touching the DSi, which is a small triumph. Nice try, kid germs!

"We can't take it here because it's missing the serial number," I said. She gasps melodramatically. I ignore it. "That's because of [town where we are located] pawn shop laws. They can take non-serialized handhelds in [next town over], though, and we have a store there."

"WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO THE SERIAL NUMBER," she said. "WAS IT HERE? DID IT RUB OFF? CAN I SEE A DSi OF YOURS?" I obligingly pull a DSi out of a cabinet and indicate where the serial number is supposed to be.

"They didn't say anything about that over at [third store location in a totally different area]," she said. "Can they take it without the serial number?"

"If they have a [town where we are located] address, probably not. But [next town over] can definitely take them in trade."

"Where is that?"

"Northeast of here," I said. "The store is right on Route X."

My store is located on route XX.

"Oh, so it's just up the road?" she asks excitedly.

"No, we're on route XX.  Route X is the street that goes through downtown [next town over.]"

"I guess I'll just drive back to the store I went to yesterday," she said. The store that is also located in [town where we are located], most likely can't take non-serialized handhelds, and is in the completely opposite direction of [next town over.]

"Ok," I said. "Good luck."

Some people can't be helped

Some guy is on his way here with a PS3, so that I can reset it to standard def for him.

"You don't have to do all that," I said on the phone. "It's really easy. All you have to do is hold down the power button until it beeps a second time."

"Can't I just bring it up there, and you can do it for me?"

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUSH A BUTTON

Introducing: The TwinShock 3 Controller!

Some kid came into my job recently with a "TwinShock 3" controller, claiming he found it on Amazon.

Check out this gem.

So, the kid comes in with his mom, complaining that one of the buttons stopped working. (I can't imagine why the buttons would stop working on a $10 PS3 controller that was scraped from the bowels of the internet.) So I say the polite version of:

"Well, ma'am, that is a cheap-as-shit controller, so cheap and sucky that not even the most unscrupulous of retailers would be willing to stock it on shelves, hence why you had to scrape it from the internet's bowels."

You know, generally, product pricing isn't a huge scam. If the real version of something is $54.99 and you find a $9.99 knock-off in some internet warehouse, odds are, the $9.99 knock-off is not a very good product. Same goes for all the people who keep trying to sell my store disgusting off-off-off-brand tablets they found on a website they can't remember the name of.

"Will you buy our TwinShock 3 from us?" they asked.

"You literally just told me it doesn't work, so... no."

The kid swore.

Retail tech support

If you are having an issue with your electronic device, do not call the retailer you bought it from for tech support. You're just wasting everyone's time. Here's a conversation I just had, here at my job where I am currently located.

"Thank you for calling [Store], this is [Miss Blog Lady]."

"I'm having a problem with my 360, can you help me?"

"We don't offer repair services, but I can give you Microsoft's support number."

"Well, just tell me if you've ever heard of this happening before."

What followed- what always follows- was a long-winded incoherent description of some mechanical failure I know nothing about. If the question is something like "I forget how to sync my controller," then sure, I can help you. But am I able to explain any sort of change in system settings, perfectly, from memory, in a way that is understandable for your stupid ass? Nope.

I mean, do I look like Google to you?

"No, I've never heard of that problem before," I said when he was finally finished. "But I can give you Microsoft's support number."

"I don't wanna call them," he complained.

Well then, apparently you don't want to get your Xbox fixed.

P.S. http://bit.ly/12ytN5t

A new horror

So, Microsoft announced that the Xbox One was going to have not-quite-as-severe-but-PC-esque restrictions on game sharing, and requirements for near-constant internet access. Everyone threw a hissy fit. Microsoft backtracked, saying that now game sharing will be unrestricted as with the Xbox 360, and an internet connection will only be necessary for system updates and internet-specific features.

Cool, right?

After weeks of listening to everyone and their mother whine and moan about XBone restrictions, the announcement was a huge relief. Now, when people started ranting about how Microsoft wanted to take all their money and murder their pets, instead of going into a long spiel about how game trading will be allowed under limited circumstances that I don't fully understand, I could just sigh and say "No. All of that is false. They changed their mind."

What I didn't count on was the fact that apparently, no one knows the difference between "able to play second-hand games" and "backwards compatible."

"So, will the Xbox One be able to play Xbox 360 games?" asked an otherwise innocuous customer one day.

"No, it can't," I said.

"Microsoft said it could," he pressed.

"No, they didn't," I said, confused. Despite their total abortion of a press release, no one affiliated with Microsoft has ever even suggested that the Xbox One would ever be able to Xbox 360 discs.

"Yeah, originally it couldn't, but then they went back on it and said you could play old games," he said.

Oh. Oh, no.

"They're allowing used games," I said. "The system still isn't going to be backwards compatible."

"Yeah, so I can play my used 360 games," he said.

"No. You can play used Xbox One games. The system isn't backwards compatible with games designed on the 360."

"So- wait, what does that mean?"

"You can only play Xbox One games on an Xbox One."

I've been having identical versions of this conversation with all sorts of people since Microsoft's announcement. I'm in a new circle of torture. Why is it so difficult to grasp the concept that the Xbox 360 and the Xbox One have completely different hardware? Is it because they both read discs? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of discs there are?

The Xbox 360 isn't backwards compatible, either, so why would the Xbox One be? Sony abandoned making their systems backwards compatible years ago, and it doesn't seem to have affected their sales. If you want backwards compatibility, then buy a Nintendo console.

No, seriously. I love my Wii U more than anything in the world.

MAKIN' A TAG FOR IT.

Technology is scary

A woman just came into the store asking about wireless headsets for her kid.

"Will that increase the electromagnetic frequency around the head?"

"Yes it will," said bossbro. "Does he have an implant?"

"No, but I know there's a controversy."

Of course you do. She did not react to my silent judgment.

"Do wireless controllers do that, too?" she asked.

"Yes. It's the same as using a cell phone."

She left.

"You know what else produces an electromagnetic field?" said bossbro. "The Earth."

RELATED: The lady from last Christmas who asked us if the scans from a Kinect are dangerous.

"It's a camera," we said. "It's not scanning anything."

She didn't get it.

And that's the day I added "explaining, in-depth, how cameras work" to my list of job responsibilities.