Bravely Default is here!

HOORAY!

A picture of my cat, posed with my copy of Bravely Default. She's very photogenic.

Everyone at the store has been playing the Bravely Default demo for weeks, because we're those sorts of people. We've also been telling everyone to pre-order it, because both Nintendo handheld releases and JRPG* releases in general are usually a nightmare of underavailability.

I still have lingering trauma from the Fire Emblem: Awakening release.

Anyway, I wasn't working today, so I made a super special trip to the store to pick up my reserved copy. Sure enough, the store was already sold out, because we only got enough copies to cover our reserves. As I was standing in the store, a frumpy JRPG nerd stomped up to the register.

"DO YOU HAVE BRAVELY DEFAULT!?"

"No," said bossbro. "We can order it for you, or you can download it from the eShop."

Frumpy JRPG nerd stomped his way back out of the store.

What follows is an open message to my fellow JRPG people:

Hey, ladies and dudes. You know how every time a new JRPG comes out, none of the stores have it in stock? That's because demand for these games is super low.

STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING INSTEAD.

The stock that stores order for low-demand games is directly based on the number of reserves they get for it. My store was the only one of my chain in the entire district that got any copies of the new Project Diva game, because we were the only store that had reserves on it.

We had one reserve. We got two copies. The second one sold to a walk-in on launch day, and I haven't seen another copy since.

And don't give me any of that crap about "WELL, I WASN'T PLANNING ON GETTING IT" or "WELL, I'M JUST MAKING AN IMPULSE BUY." If you went out to buy it on the release day, then it wasn't "an impulse buy," and you are a dirty, dirty liar.

If you want more Japanese games to come to the United States, and in greater numbers, you need to commit to buying them on launch day.

Now, I know not everyone can afford to buy launch-day games. This rant is not for you. This rant is for the swarm of people I see every launch day who refuse to commit even one day ahead of time to buying a game on day one, even though they were clearly planning on doing so anyway, and complain when we don't have a pile of extra copies waiting for them.

Every retailer does pre-orders now, as do the manufacturers, typically. It's not like you don't still have a choice of whom to give your money dollars to. Most places (Amazon, StameGop) don't charge extra for pre-orders, either.

PRE-ORDER YOUR SHIT instead of complaining to me about lack of availability, for a market the manufacturers didn't know existed. With the onset of downloadable games, manufacturers have basically no reason to print physical copies at all outside of consumer demand. It's still hard to find physical copies of Fire Emblem, a year after launch. Hakuoki: Memories of the Shinsengumi barely had a physical launch at all.

I'm sure Bravely Default will be the same way. 

*Today, someone asked me what "JRPG" stands for, and I said "Japanese RPG." Then Ladyboss stepped in and added "...role-playing game." I forgot to translate that part. Whoooops.

On parents who buy Grand Theft Auto for their tiny children

I hate Kotaku.

I hate everyone who reads Kotaku.

I hate it every time someone mentions to me something they read on Kotaku.

The Veteran is always texting me links to Kotaku articles he thinks I'll enjoy. (And, ok, I usually do enjoy them as long as there aren't any naked people, but I still hate Kotaku.) I mentioned this to Awesome Sauce, and he started sending me Kotaku links all the time, too.

So, what happens when there's some breaking video game news that I would be interested in?

The day it was announced that Tales of Xillia 2 was coming to the U.S., this is how my morning went:

First, I get a text from Awesome Sauce, saying "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S."

About five minutes later, The Veteran texts me a link to a Kotaku article about how Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.

I walk into work, and bossbro greets me with a "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.!"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GENTLEMEN, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

All of the above is to highlight the extreme reluctance with which I am posting a link to a Kotaku article that was recommended to me by AsS:

I Sold Too Many Copies of GTA V to Parents who Didn't Give a Damn.

The other day I mass-texted everyone I know:

"I'm really tired of explaining to parents that Grand Theft Auto is basically softcore porn."

"Just write those exact words on a sign," my friend Wolfie* wrote back.

But seriously.


The list of warnings on the back of GTA is ridiculously long. Blood! Gore! Extreme violence! Strong language! Nudity! Strong sexual content! Mature themes! Whenever I read through it for a parent who's in the store with a ten-year-old kid, they yawn and wave me through.

"You literally torture a guy. You waterboard a guy on screen."

"He's already seen all that stuff on TV." (What the hell is your kid watching!?)

"You own and manage a strip club."

"WHAT!?"

Extreme violence hasn't fazed a single person. But the minute you mention the boobies, everyone freaks out. And even then, they still want to buy the game, so we encourage them to flip through the strategy guide and see the screenshots.

And even then, literally only one person ever has opted not to buy the game at my store since the release.

Without fail, every time I start mentioning the extreme violence and sexytimes, all of these people ask:

"They can put that stuff in a game!?"

"It's not designed for kids," I say, every time. "The average gamer is in their 30s. And the people who played the original Grand Theft Auto are in their 40s now."

I think some people hear the word "game" and immediately assume "children's toy." People who ramble about games like Grand Theft Auto V ruining kids are missing the point that there are games that are not meant to be played by children. After all, it's impossible to get access to an R-rated movie or an M-rated game without parental consent.

If you buy something that says "Strong Sexual Content" on the packaging, you should also be prepared for your child to come up and you asking what "pimps" and "hos" are.

I understand that children are different, and what's appropriate for one child might not be for another. I played Grand Theft Auto III when I was ten, and I turned out ok. It was my 17-years-old-at-the-time-now-he's-old brother's game, and I would play it when he wasn't around. I would drive around in the cars and follow traffic laws. I was a well-read child, with two older siblings, and I wasn't unaware of the existence of sex workers, nor was I ever really taught to demean or dehumanize them, so I wasn't confused or bothered by what was going on.

Extreme torture, though? That would even bother me now. There were several parts in my first playthrough of Borderlands 2, which I loved, where I had to stop playing because it was too intense. (Maybe I'll write a post about that someday.) And that's sci-fi/fantasy, not true crime. And I'm almost 25 years old.

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been about pushing limits, both in game design and in storytelling, for years. It's supposed to be edgy and controversial. And even if you find the story trite and silly (ahem), you can't deny that GTA is a poster franchise for Games As A Grown-Up, Edgy Storytelling Medium.

Controversial entertainment isn't typically accessible or appropriate for kids.

For example, this one time, a dad and a little boy, no older than six or seven, came in looking for a game.

"He likes playing Grand Theft Auto at his uncle's house, but we don't want to buy it for him, so we're looking for something similar but not as... bad," said the dad. "He likes having a big open city to run around in."

"Ok," I said. "How about Batman: Arkham City? You have a pretty open area to explore, and it's Batman, so you still get to beat up bad guys."

"Does that sound interesting?" the dad asked the kid. And the kid immediately turned to me, and asked, with a perfectly serious face:

"Does Batman shoot cops?"

I was so taken aback by the question that I just squeaked out:

"Batman doesn't shoot anybody."

Kids who play games like Grand Theft Auto are, at best, the equivalent of a kid bragging about how he watched all the Saw movies and didn't get scared, and at worst, miniature sociopaths who like to shoot cops, with a lot of poorly delivered sex ed in between.

Please, people. Listen when some bitter, disillusioned register jockey is telling you that what you're purchasing might be a bit too much for your kid.

Because when you're furious that your 8-year-old suddenly knows the meanings and usage of a dozen different racial slurs and the term "Dirty Sanchez," well, you've got nothing to blame but your own hands-off parenting. 

*My only friend who had the decency to already have an internet alias before I started blogging. Seriously, my funny nickname muscle is tired. 

BOGO: A Rant

Whenever we have any sort of "Buy One, Get One" sale, we inevitably run into the same group of willfully clueless shoppers who refuse to understand how BOGO works and try to get something super expensive for free without spending any money.

I mean, really, guys? You really didn't think the store would see through your brilliant scheme to buy something for 99 cents, and then get a $90 item for free? My favorite is when people aggressively hand me their items in a certain order with the cheaper ones first, as if that's what matters. 

These people genuinely believe that "Buy One, Get One" means that if they buy something, they get to pick out anything they want for free. I've even seen people writing to corporations to complain that BOGO is "a scam" because they weren't able to get their $90 thing for free.

It's not a "Here, Have Some Free Expensive Shit!" sale.

Literally every store ever has done some variation of the BOGO promotion. It always works the same way. This is not rocket math. Buy one thing, get a second thing of equal or lesser value free. You can have a free $90 item if you first buy a $90 item. 

I guess we can chalk this up to things I can't believe people still don't understand, such as the fact that a retailer doesn't produce most, if any, of the products it sells. ("You guys need to stop making those shooter games!!" "Wait, what?") I mean, above all else, the retailer is a business, and it's there to turn a profit. Which leads me to my favorite retail complaint:

"THIS STORE ONLY CARES ABOUT MAKING MONEY!!"

...Yes. That is correct. 

I mean, obviously we shouldn't be ok with companies that profit at the expense of things that matter, like the environment, or human rights. But if your sole issue is that you think a store is greedy and money-grubbing because they won't give you free stuff?

I mean, really, bro?

I should start recording the things these people say and then playing it back for them.

Really, GoogleAds?

If there are any women reading this who are wanting for self-esteem, just hit me up and I'll give you some of mine, Ni No Kuni style.

A screen capture of THIS VERY BLOG, featuring an ad for a series of self-esteem seminars for women. NOPE.

Retail tech support

If you are having an issue with your electronic device, do not call the retailer you bought it from for tech support. You're just wasting everyone's time. Here's a conversation I just had, here at my job where I am currently located.

"Thank you for calling [Store], this is [Miss Blog Lady]."

"I'm having a problem with my 360, can you help me?"

"We don't offer repair services, but I can give you Microsoft's support number."

"Well, just tell me if you've ever heard of this happening before."

What followed- what always follows- was a long-winded incoherent description of some mechanical failure I know nothing about. If the question is something like "I forget how to sync my controller," then sure, I can help you. But am I able to explain any sort of change in system settings, perfectly, from memory, in a way that is understandable for your stupid ass? Nope.

I mean, do I look like Google to you?

"No, I've never heard of that problem before," I said when he was finally finished. "But I can give you Microsoft's support number."

"I don't wanna call them," he complained.

Well then, apparently you don't want to get your Xbox fixed.

P.S. http://bit.ly/12ytN5t

BREAKING NEWS! INSIDER INFO ON THE NEW XBOX

With the announcement of the new Microsoft console nigh, rumors are flying.

"Wow," I said. "Telling people they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internet one at a time is horribly inefficient. There must be another way." And that's when I remembered:

I HAVE A BLOG!

The fact that I both have an internet platform and claim to work at a video game store gives me more than enough authority and insider knowledge to dish on the new system. Don't pay attention to the rumors flying around the interblag, kids.

This is the real deal.

Here we go.

ANNOUNCING: THE MICROSOFT SUPER XBOX 58008

PICTURED: The Microsoft Super Xbox 58008, in a very dark room.

(Type it into your calculator, y'all! LOL!)

HARDWARE

The 58008 will play VHS tapes, and be fully backwards compatible with the Neo Geo.

It is not recommended for use by male Americans age 0-85, because of a common hardware failure that can cause your dick to fall off. The first year failure rate is 98%.

The body of the console is powered by live bees. When you open the disc drive, bees come out.

Every system will have a Kinect built in, so that Bill Gates can watch you sleep. No, seriously, it's part of the user agreement. 

LAUNCH TITLES

Dude With Gun 9: More Nazis!

Family Party Sunshine Happy Funtime Smiles

CARS GOING REAL FAST OMG

 Bro With Slightly Different Gun: It's Commies This Time, You Guys

A bunch of sports games designed on the Xbox 360 and ported over, badly

XBOX LIVE

Unlike previous Xboxes, the 58008 does, in fact, come with The Internet.

Before getting online, the system will require a record of your bank account information. Every time you do anything online, you will be charged five dollars. Every time you sign offline, former Microsoft executive Adam Orth will appear and slap you in the face.

Deal with it.

PRICING & AVAILABILITY

The Xbox 58008 will cost $58,008. Just send it to my paypal account. I'll hook you up.

The new system will be available for pre-order, starting right now, exclusively at Denny's.

In order to purchase the 58008, you must first register to vote, and pass a basic reading comprehension test.  

The 58008 will hit stores just in time for the holidays, on 11/31/13.


And there you have it, folks! Everything you need to know about the launch of the Super Xbox 58008. I'll just be right here, waiting for you to send me all your money and gratitude.   

You're welcome.

Public service announcement

Know what model Xbox 360 you have. My life is an hourly struggle with people who need 360 parts but don't know which 360 they have. Luckily, here is a friendly and informative post.

The first is the ORIGINAL XBOX 360, or XBOX 360 ARCADE. It looks like this:

Notice the many physical features that set it apart from the other model, such as the EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE, PHYSICAL BUTTONS, and MEMORY CARD SLOTS. You may also notice the REMOVABLE FACE PLATE, or the SILVER DISC TRAY. This is the model that is infamous for the "RED RING OF DEATH." The systems are usually WHITE, but were also released later on in matte black and other special edition colors.

If these features do not fit the description of your personal Xbox 360, then you have the SLIM XBOX 360. This model looks like this:

Take note of the LACK of PHYSICAL BUTTONS, VISIBLE HARD DRIVE, and MEMORY CARD PORTS. It is also a SMALLER SIZE, with a subtle X SHAPE. You may or may not have noticed that the DISC TRAY IS THE SAME COLOR AS THE SYSTEM. This model also has a variety of new electronic features that the original model doesn't have, such as a BUILT-IN WIFI ADAPTER. It has 4 GB OF MEMORY, which can be expanded to 250 GB or 320 GB with the purchase of an INTERNAL HARD DRIVE.

For even more help, here are the two models next to each other:

POP QUIZ! Which is which?

ANSWER: The one on the left is the ORIGINAL 360, and the right one is the SLIM 360. Nice work.

If you come into the store needing a part that is different depending on the model, I will ask you what model you have. If you say you don't know, I will ask the following questions to try to get you to cough up a description:

"What color is it?"
"Is it shaped like an X?"
"When did you buy it?"
"Does it have buttons?"
"Does it have an external hard drive?"
"How much memory does it have?"
"Does it have built-in wifi?"

If your answer to every single one of those questions is "Uhhh," then I CAN'T HELP YOU.

NOT KNOWING WHAT MODEL XBOX YOU HAVE MAKES THE BABY JESUS CRY.

Hmmm... maybe I should print this helpful guide out and use it at my job.