"My poor fingers are bruising," I said.
"Do you need to put something cold on it? asked Free Shirt. "I can get you some snow and a paper towel."
Showing posts with label Topical posts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Topical posts. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Merry Christmas Eve!
This morning, on my way to work at 6:30 AM, I accidentally shut my hand in my car door. Now it's starting to show bruising.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Happy belated birthday, Jim Morrison!
So yesterday, The Veteran, who is always a ray of sunshine, comes into work and says:
"Man, it's Jim Morrison's birthday. I'm already older than he was when he died, and I haven't done anything."
Then I said,
"Look at it this way. I bet Jim Morrison didn't have all of the original Skylanders figurines!"
"Man, it's Jim Morrison's birthday. I'm already older than he was when he died, and I haven't done anything."
Then I said,
"Look at it this way. I bet Jim Morrison didn't have all of the original Skylanders figurines!"
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| "World's Best Boss" mug. From giftsforageek.com |
So, the Video Game Awards happened
Because I am sort of a video game maybe journalist, it is my sworn responsibility to write about Events in the Video Game Industry, or whatever. And it just so happened that last night was the formerly-known-as Spike TV Video Game Awards! It took me a weirdly long time to find a list of the winners, but they are here:
Hey, this is a link to the 2013 award winners
Very predictable- Grand Theft Auto V deserved to win Game of the Year. One thing I don't get is, though Link Between Worlds and Super Mario 3D World are both awesome and ambitious games that I own personally, they only came out on November 22nd. How are they eligible for "best of the year" awards when they've barely been out three weeks?
Of course, the VGAs are notoriously disorganized. I like to imagine that this is what the Oscars were like, Back In The Day.
I have mixed feelings about Ni no Kuni taking home Best RPG, too, because I feel like it's a nostalgia vote. The game is beautiful and amazing, but it's also aggressively traditional. The same game with less pretty visual and audio effects could easily have been made a decade ago, and the story structure is lifted right out of 90s classics like old Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy. I love traditional RPGs as much as the next girl, but I also accept that the genre has moved on. I mean, I'd even put Skylanders in the RPG category over the "casual" category. You know, because it's an RPG, and a very well-made one, too.
None of that really matters though, because WHY THE HELL DID WILLEM DAFOE NOT WIN BEST MALE VOICE ACTOR?
THERE IS NO "SECOND BEST."
THERE IS NO "OTHER FAVORITE."
THERE IS ONLY DAFOE.
Hey, this is a link to the 2013 award winners
Very predictable- Grand Theft Auto V deserved to win Game of the Year. One thing I don't get is, though Link Between Worlds and Super Mario 3D World are both awesome and ambitious games that I own personally, they only came out on November 22nd. How are they eligible for "best of the year" awards when they've barely been out three weeks?
Of course, the VGAs are notoriously disorganized. I like to imagine that this is what the Oscars were like, Back In The Day.
I have mixed feelings about Ni no Kuni taking home Best RPG, too, because I feel like it's a nostalgia vote. The game is beautiful and amazing, but it's also aggressively traditional. The same game with less pretty visual and audio effects could easily have been made a decade ago, and the story structure is lifted right out of 90s classics like old Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy. I love traditional RPGs as much as the next girl, but I also accept that the genre has moved on. I mean, I'd even put Skylanders in the RPG category over the "casual" category. You know, because it's an RPG, and a very well-made one, too.
None of that really matters though, because WHY THE HELL DID WILLEM DAFOE NOT WIN BEST MALE VOICE ACTOR?
 |
| Willem Dafoe at the Beyond: Two Souls release. From zimbio.com |
THERE IS NO "SECOND BEST."
THERE IS NO "OTHER FAVORITE."
THERE IS ONLY DAFOE.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Call of Duty is here
Got home from the midnight release. It was surprisingly calm, as was the double release for Battlefield 4 and Assassin's Creed IV. I have a creeping sense of dread that everyone's waiting to buy all this crap for the new consoles, a week from now.
If I get mauled by holiday shoppers, tell my family that I love them.
We have a sort of tradition at my store where we give out prizes to people who know our names. Sometimes we have real trivia, or a raffle, but we always do the super secret special trivia question:
"WHAT IS MY NAME?"
Our names print at the top of every receipt for every transaction we do, so even if we're not wearing name tags, it's easy to find if you think about it. And all of us except The Veteran have extremely common names. Besides, it's a fun Get To Know Your Game Store Register Jockey activity, and it's all in good fun.
None of the people in the first line group knew who I was. It's the Call of Duty people- they come in once a year.
"It's a really common name," I hinted. "Really common." Someone guessed it almost immediately. We gave him his prize- a Call of Duty tchotchke. He didn't even want it, so he gave it to a kid in line. And while all this is happening, an older gentleman in the front shouts:
"THAT IS NOT A COMMON NAME."
Trust me when I say I have a common name. There were at least three of me in every class growing up.
"It is for people my age," I said. "It was the number one girl's name in the country every year for over a decade in the 80s and 90s." He grumbled a bit, took his game, and left.
On the plus side, almost everyone in that first group thanked me by name when I handed them their games. It was actually really sweet.
Thanks, customers! You're all right.
Even if you do play Call of Duty.
If I get mauled by holiday shoppers, tell my family that I love them.
We have a sort of tradition at my store where we give out prizes to people who know our names. Sometimes we have real trivia, or a raffle, but we always do the super secret special trivia question:
"WHAT IS MY NAME?"
Our names print at the top of every receipt for every transaction we do, so even if we're not wearing name tags, it's easy to find if you think about it. And all of us except The Veteran have extremely common names. Besides, it's a fun Get To Know Your Game Store Register Jockey activity, and it's all in good fun.
None of the people in the first line group knew who I was. It's the Call of Duty people- they come in once a year.
"It's a really common name," I hinted. "Really common." Someone guessed it almost immediately. We gave him his prize- a Call of Duty tchotchke. He didn't even want it, so he gave it to a kid in line. And while all this is happening, an older gentleman in the front shouts:
"THAT IS NOT A COMMON NAME."
Trust me when I say I have a common name. There were at least three of me in every class growing up.
"It is for people my age," I said. "It was the number one girl's name in the country every year for over a decade in the 80s and 90s." He grumbled a bit, took his game, and left.
On the plus side, almost everyone in that first group thanked me by name when I handed them their games. It was actually really sweet.
Thanks, customers! You're all right.
Even if you do play Call of Duty.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
"Your world is cutthroat!"
Words typed to me by my BFF She-Ra, Princess of Power as she forwarded me a link to this story, about a guy in London who was stabbed and robbed right after buying Grand Theft Auto V.
I personally prefer this one, about some dudes in NYC who impersonated police officers to cut the line.
This kind of thing happens at every release for every Hot New Item (just think of the moms mauling each other for Tickle Me Elmos and Zhu Zhu pets!), and probably wouldn't be national newsworthy if the title of the game weren't a felony. Nintendo actively discouraged retailers from having midnight release parties for the Wii U for this very reason.
But yes, working in a video game store is preeeetty hardcore.
I personally prefer this one, about some dudes in NYC who impersonated police officers to cut the line.
This kind of thing happens at every release for every Hot New Item (just think of the moms mauling each other for Tickle Me Elmos and Zhu Zhu pets!), and probably wouldn't be national newsworthy if the title of the game weren't a felony. Nintendo actively discouraged retailers from having midnight release parties for the Wii U for this very reason.
But yes, working in a video game store is preeeetty hardcore.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Happy 4th of July!
I, of course, will be at work all day, because nothing is more American than the American consumer machine. THE COMPULSION TO BUY USELESS CRAP STOPS FOR NO HOLIDAY.
I'm wearing a cute red and blue dress for the holiday, but I didn't shave my legs, because that's what freedom means to me.
I'm wearing a cute red and blue dress for the holiday, but I didn't shave my legs, because that's what freedom means to me.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Happy Memorial Day!
I hate holidays.
Contrary to popular opinion, lowly retail workers such as myself do not get paid extra for working on holidays. On top of that, everyone who comes into the store on a major holiday is crazy. Like the people who are depressed because they have no one to spend the holiday with, and take it out on us. Or the parents who drop in to buy electronic "babysitters" for their kids, so that mommy and daddy can get their drink on at the neighborhood BBQ.
Working on Memorial Day and Veterans' Day is especially depressing, because my job explicitly does not offer military discounts.
"Oh, you're in the military? NO YOU CANNOT HAVE 10% OFF A VIDEO GAME THING" - My Job.
We do have one real-life veteran who works at my store, who I will call The Veteran, both because he is an actual military veteran, and because he's been working there since the dawn of time.
Thank you for your service to our country, The Veteran!
No, you cannot have 10% off video game things, or real health care, or any other benefits, really. All you get are some generic Facebook thank yous twice a year, which, you have to admit, is still almost as good as being able to afford food on a regular basis.
Happy Memorial Day!
Contrary to popular opinion, lowly retail workers such as myself do not get paid extra for working on holidays. On top of that, everyone who comes into the store on a major holiday is crazy. Like the people who are depressed because they have no one to spend the holiday with, and take it out on us. Or the parents who drop in to buy electronic "babysitters" for their kids, so that mommy and daddy can get their drink on at the neighborhood BBQ.
Working on Memorial Day and Veterans' Day is especially depressing, because my job explicitly does not offer military discounts.
"Oh, you're in the military? NO YOU CANNOT HAVE 10% OFF A VIDEO GAME THING" - My Job.
We do have one real-life veteran who works at my store, who I will call The Veteran, both because he is an actual military veteran, and because he's been working there since the dawn of time.
Thank you for your service to our country, The Veteran!
No, you cannot have 10% off video game things, or real health care, or any other benefits, really. All you get are some generic Facebook thank yous twice a year, which, you have to admit, is still almost as good as being able to afford food on a regular basis.
Happy Memorial Day!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
BREAKING NEWS! INSIDER INFO ON THE NEW XBOX
With the announcement of the new Microsoft console nigh, rumors are flying.
"Wow," I said. "Telling people they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internet one at a time is horribly inefficient. There must be another way." And that's when I remembered:
I HAVE A BLOG!
The fact that I both have an internet platform and claim to work at a video game store gives me more than enough authority and insider knowledge to dish on the new system. Don't pay attention to the rumors flying around the interblag, kids.
This is the real deal.
Here we go.
(Type it into your calculator, y'all! LOL!)
HARDWARE
The 58008 will play VHS tapes, and be fully backwards compatible with the Neo Geo.
It is not recommended for use by male Americans age 0-85, because of a common hardware failure that can cause your dick to fall off. The first year failure rate is 98%.
The body of the console is powered by live bees. When you open the disc drive, bees come out.
Every system will have a Kinect built in, so that Bill Gates can watch you sleep. No, seriously, it's part of the user agreement.
LAUNCH TITLES
Dude With Gun 9: More Nazis!
Family Party Sunshine Happy Funtime Smiles
CARS GOING REAL FAST OMG
Bro With Slightly Different Gun: It's Commies This Time, You Guys
A bunch of sports games designed on the Xbox 360 and ported over, badly
XBOX LIVE
Unlike previous Xboxes, the 58008 does, in fact, come with The Internet.
Before getting online, the system will require a record of your bank account information. Every time you do anything online, you will be charged five dollars. Every time you sign offline, former Microsoft executive Adam Orth will appear and slap you in the face.
Deal with it.
PRICING & AVAILABILITY
The Xbox 58008 will cost $58,008. Just send it to my paypal account. I'll hook you up.
The new system will be available for pre-order, starting right now, exclusively at Denny's.
In order to purchase the 58008, you must first register to vote, and pass a basic reading comprehension test.
The 58008 will hit stores just in time for the holidays, on 11/31/13.
And there you have it, folks! Everything you need to know about the launch of the Super Xbox 58008. I'll just be right here, waiting for you to send me all your money and gratitude.
You're welcome.
"Wow," I said. "Telling people they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internet one at a time is horribly inefficient. There must be another way." And that's when I remembered:
I HAVE A BLOG!
The fact that I both have an internet platform and claim to work at a video game store gives me more than enough authority and insider knowledge to dish on the new system. Don't pay attention to the rumors flying around the interblag, kids.
This is the real deal.
Here we go.
ANNOUNCING: THE MICROSOFT SUPER XBOX 58008
 |
| PICTURED: The Microsoft Super Xbox 58008, in a very dark room. |
(Type it into your calculator, y'all! LOL!)
HARDWARE
The 58008 will play VHS tapes, and be fully backwards compatible with the Neo Geo.
It is not recommended for use by male Americans age 0-85, because of a common hardware failure that can cause your dick to fall off. The first year failure rate is 98%.
The body of the console is powered by live bees. When you open the disc drive, bees come out.
Every system will have a Kinect built in, so that Bill Gates can watch you sleep. No, seriously, it's part of the user agreement.
LAUNCH TITLES
Dude With Gun 9: More Nazis!
Family Party Sunshine Happy Funtime Smiles
CARS GOING REAL FAST OMG
Bro With Slightly Different Gun: It's Commies This Time, You Guys
A bunch of sports games designed on the Xbox 360 and ported over, badly
XBOX LIVE
Unlike previous Xboxes, the 58008 does, in fact, come with The Internet.
Before getting online, the system will require a record of your bank account information. Every time you do anything online, you will be charged five dollars. Every time you sign offline, former Microsoft executive Adam Orth will appear and slap you in the face.
Deal with it.
PRICING & AVAILABILITY
The Xbox 58008 will cost $58,008. Just send it to my paypal account. I'll hook you up.
The new system will be available for pre-order, starting right now, exclusively at Denny's.
In order to purchase the 58008, you must first register to vote, and pass a basic reading comprehension test.
The 58008 will hit stores just in time for the holidays, on 11/31/13.
And there you have it, folks! Everything you need to know about the launch of the Super Xbox 58008. I'll just be right here, waiting for you to send me all your money and gratitude.
You're welcome.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day!
Mother's Day at the video game store is a depressing parade of assholes-in-training forcing their moms to go out and buy them expensive toys on the one day that's supposed to be about mothers. So, I'm not going to write about that.
Contrary to public opinion, I do, in fact, have a mother, and she's pretty great. Her birthday's in a couple weeks, though, so I'll save my mom-talk for then. I'm not writing about her today, either.
Because Mother's Day is a significant date in the work history of Miss Blog Lady.
Mother's Day, 2005 was the first- and only!- time I ever cried because of a customer.
When I was 16, my family filed for bankruptcy, and I went out and got my very first crappy service job as a waitress at one of those super cheap sit-down "family" restaurants. (Oh, the waitress stories.) They were always on us about up-selling drinks and desserts on top of meals. So, this particular Mother's Day, an older gentleman gets put in my section. The meal happens without any difficulty.
"Would you like to order any dessert today? It's Mother's Day!" I asked, like a good little corporate stooge, while clearing up his plates.
"WELL, I'M NOT A MOTHER," said Grumpy Old Man.
"Do you have any kids?" I asked.
"MY WIFE IS DEAD."
"Uh... oh, gosh. I'm so sorry," I said. The awkwardness was tangible. He grumbled some more.
"STRAWBERRY SUNDAE."
"Uh... ok," I said, with a chipper teenage waitress smile, and I went back and put it in. A couple minutes later, I bring out his sundae.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE ORDERED THIS," yelled Grumpy Old Man, as if the fact that he asked me for a sundae was somehow my fault.
Then he complained to my manager and didn't leave me a tip.
I was young. I'd been working for less than two months. I didn't know yet that customers will find any excuse to blame their own problems on service people. So, I went in the back room and cried, because some mean old guy who's ok with screaming at kids was triggered into a frothy rage by my smalltalk about the holiday.
Nowadays when people yell nonsense at me I just give them my "no one cares" face and tell them that no one's making them shop at my store. "You tryin' to rattle me? Please. I got that business out of my system when I was 16."
So- Happy Mother's Day, blog readers! Celebrate as you see fit.
Just don't go to a cheap restaurant and scream at the server about your dead wife.
(P.S. I love you, mom.)
Contrary to public opinion, I do, in fact, have a mother, and she's pretty great. Her birthday's in a couple weeks, though, so I'll save my mom-talk for then. I'm not writing about her today, either.
Because Mother's Day is a significant date in the work history of Miss Blog Lady.
Mother's Day, 2005 was the first- and only!- time I ever cried because of a customer.
When I was 16, my family filed for bankruptcy, and I went out and got my very first crappy service job as a waitress at one of those super cheap sit-down "family" restaurants. (Oh, the waitress stories.) They were always on us about up-selling drinks and desserts on top of meals. So, this particular Mother's Day, an older gentleman gets put in my section. The meal happens without any difficulty.
"Would you like to order any dessert today? It's Mother's Day!" I asked, like a good little corporate stooge, while clearing up his plates.
"WELL, I'M NOT A MOTHER," said Grumpy Old Man.
"Do you have any kids?" I asked.
"MY WIFE IS DEAD."
"Uh... oh, gosh. I'm so sorry," I said. The awkwardness was tangible. He grumbled some more.
"STRAWBERRY SUNDAE."
"Uh... ok," I said, with a chipper teenage waitress smile, and I went back and put it in. A couple minutes later, I bring out his sundae.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE ORDERED THIS," yelled Grumpy Old Man, as if the fact that he asked me for a sundae was somehow my fault.
Then he complained to my manager and didn't leave me a tip.
I was young. I'd been working for less than two months. I didn't know yet that customers will find any excuse to blame their own problems on service people. So, I went in the back room and cried, because some mean old guy who's ok with screaming at kids was triggered into a frothy rage by my smalltalk about the holiday.
Nowadays when people yell nonsense at me I just give them my "no one cares" face and tell them that no one's making them shop at my store. "You tryin' to rattle me? Please. I got that business out of my system when I was 16."
So- Happy Mother's Day, blog readers! Celebrate as you see fit.
Just don't go to a cheap restaurant and scream at the server about your dead wife.
(P.S. I love you, mom.)
Sunday, May 5, 2013
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Yo pasé el día jugando el Dungeons & Dragons. Woooo! ¿Por qué se me acabó el ron?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
A topical post
When you're at work at a retail store, you're kind of cut off from the world until you get home. (Unless you're one of those assholes who's constantly trolling Twitter on their phone.) So today, I was working with bossbro, and two of our repeat offenders came up to the counter.
"OMG," the one guy said. "Roger Ebert died today!" Which is terrible news, and news we had not been aware of. But then this guy said:
"PSYCH!"
Really, bro?
"Uhh, so is Roger Ebert dead or not dead?" we asked.
"Oh, no, he's definitely dead," he said. "I don't know why I said psych."
R.I.P. Roger Ebert. You deserve a better eulogy.
"OMG," the one guy said. "Roger Ebert died today!" Which is terrible news, and news we had not been aware of. But then this guy said:
"PSYCH!"
Really, bro?
"Uhh, so is Roger Ebert dead or not dead?" we asked.
"Oh, no, he's definitely dead," he said. "I don't know why I said psych."
R.I.P. Roger Ebert. You deserve a better eulogy.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
This is what I did at work today
Happy Gears of War: Judgment Day!
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A picture of a dry-erase board with a list of games that are available for preorder. Underneath the list, I drew a picture of Carmine getting shot in the head, and a coked-out Marcus Phoenix demanding to know who wants toast. It's pretty great.]
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