I'm tired of explaining how electronics work to people

So, some dude was complaining about some game that's on PS4 but not PS3 blah blah blah yawn.

"MAN, THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO FORCE YOU TO BUY THE NEW SYSTEM."

"Well, no one wants to develop for an outdated system." I didn't go out of my way this time to explain the concepts of "resource management" and "marketability," like I have to for the Wiiple.

"THE PS3 WAS BRAND NEW LAST YEAR!"

False.

"The PS3 came out in 2006."

"WELL, WE JUST GOT OURS IN 2010."

I should note here that 2010 was not "last year."

"HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE BEFORE THERE'S A PS5? TWO YEARS?"

Nor is it two years ago.

At this point, I've started just walking away from people who want to whine at me about the PS4. In particular, the whiners about backwards compatibility.

Hey, guess what, whiners! Sony tried making a backwards compatible current-gen system. It's called the first generation PS3. You know why they took it out? Because sales for the first-gen PS3 were terrible, because the system was too expensive. If they had made a backwards-compatible PS4, you'd be in here right now complaining at me about how for that price, a gaming system should come with a car.

If you want to play PS3 games, keep your PS3. I mean, I have six systems hooked up to my TV, and I turned out ok.

...

Why is everybody looking at me like that? 

No receipt, no refund... an ongoing saga

My store doesn't do cash refunds without a receipt. Period. If you cannot prove that you bought the item with cash, then you don't get cash back. I really don't understand how this is so difficult for everyone, especially since many of these people buy things with THE FULL INTENTION of returning them a few days later, so why wouldn't you keep the damn receipt!? But I digress.

Some lady came in a couple days after Christmas trying to get cash back for a game. We gave her the usual spiel about how we can't do cash refunds without a receipt, but she was welcome to exchange it for another game. Things escalated quickly.

"WELL, THIS IS SOME GREAT FUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE," she screamed as she flounced to the door.

"I'M GOING TO TEAR APART MY HOUSE AND FIND THAT RECEIPT AND MAKE YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK."

"Please do," said the Veteran. "If you have the receipt, there's no problem."

"MERRY CHRISTMAS," she yelled, and then- wait for it- she broke the door.

She slammed the door so hard that it broke.

Fortunately, the glass wasn't broken, just the pump that stops it from slamming shut. We only had to suffer through one or two days of the door slamming every time someone used it before it was fixed.

Unfortunately, she never did show up with the receipt, so we never got to go all "Oh heeey, we have you on camera breaking our door! This is me calling the cops! MERRY CHRISTMAS LOL!"

And really, since when does "customer service" entail giving free cash to random members of the public? Need I remind everybody, again, that Buying Stuff is not the same as Putting Your Money In The Bank? And that you don't get to withdraw Money from your Stuff whenever you want?

WHY.

I wish math was an everybody skill

Woman bought four games, for $40, $40, $25, and $10. She has a $30 in-store credit. I told her her total after tax was $100. She pays me, leaves, and immediately comes back.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO APPLY MY CREDIT."

Given that 40 + 40 + 25 + 10 > 100, I'd say I ALREADY DID, MA'AM.

There's a website called Black Friday Death Count

Black Friday Death Count

Good thing someone's counting, I guess? My job as a cashier should not be hazardous to my bodily safety, but it often is. Register jockeys get threatened with violence all the time.

And someone actually punched bossbro in the face once, but that deserves its own post.

"I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!"

"I thought this Xbox came with the internet!" is our go-to joke stupid-question-that-customers-ask.

"Oh, I have a really silly question- can I hook my 360 up to a standard definition TV?"

"Yes, you can! And believe me, that's not a silly question at all. We get people complaining because they thought their Xbox came with the internet."

One of my first customers ever was a woman who didn't understand why her DSi couldn't connect to the internet in her internet-free home. (At least a DSi is a handheld, though, so someone who doesn't understand the difference between WiFi and 3G could get it confused with their phone service.) I haven't had an "I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!" person for a while, so I don't think there are any posts about it on this blog. But never fear, my friends!

THE STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN!

I got a phone call yesterday from a gentleman who had bought an Xbox and a subscription to Xbox Live. He had screaming kids in the background, and I'm pretty sure he was talking on speaker, which makes every phone call great. He told me he couldn't figure out how to redeem the code on the Xbox Live card.

"The directions for how to redeem the code are printed on the card," I said. As are the words, I might add, "broadband internet required."

 "IT KEEPS TELLING ME TO GET A MODEM OR A ROUTER OR SOMETHING," he shouted.

Pause.

"Do you have an internet connection in your house?"

"NO. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME I NEEDED ONE."

Pause.

"You can't use internet services without an internet connection."

"THEY TOLD ME I COULD GET MY NETFLIX ON HERE."

"...you need an internet connection to stream Netflix. It's an internet service."

"MAN, THIS IS MESSED UP."

No it's not.

"WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME I NEEDED INTERNET FOR NETFLIX!?"

Long pause. Total silence. Resisting the urge to say "because I'm sure they thought they didn't have to."

"WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS LIVE WITH NO INTERNET!?"

Pause.

"Literally nothing. Xbox Live is the name of the 360's internet service."

"I BET I CAN'T EVEN RETURN THIS."

"What store did you get it from?"

"YOURS!"

"The [location] location?"

"YEAH!"

"If you have your receipt and it's been less than thirty days, we can give you a refund," I said.

He never showed, which means he either lied outright when he said he got it at our location, or he doesn't understand that different stores in the same chain are run by different people, and don't have some sort of hive mind. Either way, I'm sure the other store was thrilled to deal with him while he ranted about how some lady on the other side of town told him he could have a refund if he brought his receipt. 

BREAKING NEWS: People still stupid on Facebook

You know what we haven't had in a while?

FACEBOOK REJECTS!

I've got some good ones. Real good. And I'm putting them all in one post, because it's my blog and I can.

WHY

WHY DO PEOPLE TURN IN JOB APPLICATIONS WITHOUT CAPITALIZING THEIR NAMES

HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN A THING OR IS IT RELATED TO THE RISE OF TEXTING

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW TO CAPITALIZE YOUR NAME

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

HELP ME

On parents who buy Grand Theft Auto for their tiny children

I hate Kotaku.

I hate everyone who reads Kotaku.

I hate it every time someone mentions to me something they read on Kotaku.

The Veteran is always texting me links to Kotaku articles he thinks I'll enjoy. (And, ok, I usually do enjoy them as long as there aren't any naked people, but I still hate Kotaku.) I mentioned this to Awesome Sauce, and he started sending me Kotaku links all the time, too.

So, what happens when there's some breaking video game news that I would be interested in?

The day it was announced that Tales of Xillia 2 was coming to the U.S., this is how my morning went:

First, I get a text from Awesome Sauce, saying "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S."

About five minutes later, The Veteran texts me a link to a Kotaku article about how Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.

I walk into work, and bossbro greets me with a "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.!"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GENTLEMEN, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

All of the above is to highlight the extreme reluctance with which I am posting a link to a Kotaku article that was recommended to me by AsS:

I Sold Too Many Copies of GTA V to Parents who Didn't Give a Damn.

The other day I mass-texted everyone I know:

"I'm really tired of explaining to parents that Grand Theft Auto is basically softcore porn."

"Just write those exact words on a sign," my friend Wolfie* wrote back.

But seriously.


The list of warnings on the back of GTA is ridiculously long. Blood! Gore! Extreme violence! Strong language! Nudity! Strong sexual content! Mature themes! Whenever I read through it for a parent who's in the store with a ten-year-old kid, they yawn and wave me through.

"You literally torture a guy. You waterboard a guy on screen."

"He's already seen all that stuff on TV." (What the hell is your kid watching!?)

"You own and manage a strip club."

"WHAT!?"

Extreme violence hasn't fazed a single person. But the minute you mention the boobies, everyone freaks out. And even then, they still want to buy the game, so we encourage them to flip through the strategy guide and see the screenshots.

And even then, literally only one person ever has opted not to buy the game at my store since the release.

Without fail, every time I start mentioning the extreme violence and sexytimes, all of these people ask:

"They can put that stuff in a game!?"

"It's not designed for kids," I say, every time. "The average gamer is in their 30s. And the people who played the original Grand Theft Auto are in their 40s now."

I think some people hear the word "game" and immediately assume "children's toy." People who ramble about games like Grand Theft Auto V ruining kids are missing the point that there are games that are not meant to be played by children. After all, it's impossible to get access to an R-rated movie or an M-rated game without parental consent.

If you buy something that says "Strong Sexual Content" on the packaging, you should also be prepared for your child to come up and you asking what "pimps" and "hos" are.

I understand that children are different, and what's appropriate for one child might not be for another. I played Grand Theft Auto III when I was ten, and I turned out ok. It was my 17-years-old-at-the-time-now-he's-old brother's game, and I would play it when he wasn't around. I would drive around in the cars and follow traffic laws. I was a well-read child, with two older siblings, and I wasn't unaware of the existence of sex workers, nor was I ever really taught to demean or dehumanize them, so I wasn't confused or bothered by what was going on.

Extreme torture, though? That would even bother me now. There were several parts in my first playthrough of Borderlands 2, which I loved, where I had to stop playing because it was too intense. (Maybe I'll write a post about that someday.) And that's sci-fi/fantasy, not true crime. And I'm almost 25 years old.

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been about pushing limits, both in game design and in storytelling, for years. It's supposed to be edgy and controversial. And even if you find the story trite and silly (ahem), you can't deny that GTA is a poster franchise for Games As A Grown-Up, Edgy Storytelling Medium.

Controversial entertainment isn't typically accessible or appropriate for kids.

For example, this one time, a dad and a little boy, no older than six or seven, came in looking for a game.

"He likes playing Grand Theft Auto at his uncle's house, but we don't want to buy it for him, so we're looking for something similar but not as... bad," said the dad. "He likes having a big open city to run around in."

"Ok," I said. "How about Batman: Arkham City? You have a pretty open area to explore, and it's Batman, so you still get to beat up bad guys."

"Does that sound interesting?" the dad asked the kid. And the kid immediately turned to me, and asked, with a perfectly serious face:

"Does Batman shoot cops?"

I was so taken aback by the question that I just squeaked out:

"Batman doesn't shoot anybody."

Kids who play games like Grand Theft Auto are, at best, the equivalent of a kid bragging about how he watched all the Saw movies and didn't get scared, and at worst, miniature sociopaths who like to shoot cops, with a lot of poorly delivered sex ed in between.

Please, people. Listen when some bitter, disillusioned register jockey is telling you that what you're purchasing might be a bit too much for your kid.

Because when you're furious that your 8-year-old suddenly knows the meanings and usage of a dozen different racial slurs and the term "Dirty Sanchez," well, you've got nothing to blame but your own hands-off parenting. 

*My only friend who had the decency to already have an internet alias before I started blogging. Seriously, my funny nickname muscle is tired. 

Well, I guess they can't all be winners

Today, a kid wearing a SWAG shirt came in and announced that he wants to play Grand Theft Auto V because the lady on the cover has an iPhone.

In which some guy claims that a charity is ripping him off

This particular gem didn't happen to me, it happened to bossbro. Apparently, some guy came in to check prices on some game he wanted. It was probably something stupid, so let's use some artistic license and say he wanted Call of Juarez: The Cartel. 

"Wow!" says Douche McLikesbadgames. "They were trying to sell Call of Jar-rez for more at Goodwill. I knew it was a rip-off."

"Uh," said bossbro. "Goodwill is a charity. All of the money they make in sales goes to charity."

"Total rip-off," said Douche.

Honestly, we probably did Goodwill a favor by taking this guy off their hands.

A new horror

So, Microsoft announced that the Xbox One was going to have not-quite-as-severe-but-PC-esque restrictions on game sharing, and requirements for near-constant internet access. Everyone threw a hissy fit. Microsoft backtracked, saying that now game sharing will be unrestricted as with the Xbox 360, and an internet connection will only be necessary for system updates and internet-specific features.

Cool, right?

After weeks of listening to everyone and their mother whine and moan about XBone restrictions, the announcement was a huge relief. Now, when people started ranting about how Microsoft wanted to take all their money and murder their pets, instead of going into a long spiel about how game trading will be allowed under limited circumstances that I don't fully understand, I could just sigh and say "No. All of that is false. They changed their mind."

What I didn't count on was the fact that apparently, no one knows the difference between "able to play second-hand games" and "backwards compatible."

"So, will the Xbox One be able to play Xbox 360 games?" asked an otherwise innocuous customer one day.

"No, it can't," I said.

"Microsoft said it could," he pressed.

"No, they didn't," I said, confused. Despite their total abortion of a press release, no one affiliated with Microsoft has ever even suggested that the Xbox One would ever be able to Xbox 360 discs.

"Yeah, originally it couldn't, but then they went back on it and said you could play old games," he said.

Oh. Oh, no.

"They're allowing used games," I said. "The system still isn't going to be backwards compatible."

"Yeah, so I can play my used 360 games," he said.

"No. You can play used Xbox One games. The system isn't backwards compatible with games designed on the 360."

"So- wait, what does that mean?"

"You can only play Xbox One games on an Xbox One."

I've been having identical versions of this conversation with all sorts of people since Microsoft's announcement. I'm in a new circle of torture. Why is it so difficult to grasp the concept that the Xbox 360 and the Xbox One have completely different hardware? Is it because they both read discs? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of discs there are?

The Xbox 360 isn't backwards compatible, either, so why would the Xbox One be? Sony abandoned making their systems backwards compatible years ago, and it doesn't seem to have affected their sales. If you want backwards compatibility, then buy a Nintendo console.

No, seriously. I love my Wii U more than anything in the world.

MAKIN' A TAG FOR IT.

Hellspawn alert #2

Right before I left today, a kid came in who was thinking about pre-ordering Call of Duty: Ghosts. I would peg his age at approximately Old Enough To Know Better. He asked me when Call of Duty comes out.

"November 5," I said.

"Oh." He thought for a moment. "What month is it now?"

If his parents were there, I would have stared at them incredulously. But alas, he was alone.

"June," I said.

"Oh." More thinking. "How many months until November?"

I held up my fist, uncurling my fingers to count for him.

"July. August. September. October. November. Five months," I said, displaying five fingers.

"Oh."

He left and didn't come back.

This is news to no one who's been paying attention

Check it out.

"The majority (66 percent) of low‐wage workers are not employed by small businesses, but rather by large corporations where top executive compensation averaged $9.4 million."

Whoops for America!

Texts from bossbro

It was too long for a screenshot:

"I just dealt with the most horrible family ever. 5 children under 12 all infused with mountain dew and I would guess amphetamines. Running around the store for a whole fucking hour destroying every wall and the mom was just yelling the entire time stop don't touch that where's your sister I'll give you something to cry about. I'm not even kidding people left the store because of these kids. It was a mad house. And then as I ring them up the bitch is pregnant with a 6th hellspawn! I swear to god [Miss Blog Lady] this is going to sound awful but I wanted to offer her an abortion. I have stared into the abyss and seen the demise of the human race and it starts with that fucking family."

Just another day in retail.