New blog catchphrase

Found this gem on the Facebooks today:

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

A: When did killing dragons go from this [screenshot from Super Mario World] to this [screenshot from Skyrim]?

B: [A], those are dinosaurs... Do u even lore bro ] 

DO U EVEN LORE BRO.

NO FINER WORDS HAVE EVER BEEN WRITTEN IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I finally have a quick retort for when literally anybody tries to argue with me about Zelda minutiae.

"Wait, so there's actually a Zelda timeline?"

"Do u even lore, bro?"

"So, it is always the same Link, or what?"

"I said, do u even lore, bro?"

"Well, the Zelda has to be the same, right?"

"UMM DO U EVEN LORE BRO."

If I weren't too lazy to find and paste a gold star graphic onto the image up there, B would be getting our first-ever Greetings from the Shallow End of the Video Game Industry gold star.

B, you are an internet hero.

Fuck this guy

According to his fbook profile picture, this person is an ADULT MAN. We ran a small child out for trying to do this recently:

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

 

"Thank you to the worker name [redacted] at my local [redacted] for excepting my money in all pennies which we counted on the front desk so i can get GTA5. Than you for taking your time to count 60k+ pennies" ]

BREAKING NEWS: People still stupid on Facebook

You know what we haven't had in a while?

FACEBOOK REJECTS!

I've got some good ones. Real good. And I'm putting them all in one post, because it's my blog and I can.

Oh for the love of

This guy, and people like him, make my life miserable on a regular basis:

"Good job letting us know the GTA V Limited Edition was pre-order only"

FOR FUCK'S SAKE. ALL LIMITED EDITIONS ARE PRE-ORDER ONLY.

What do these people think "limited" means? "There'll be copies for purchase all over the place"? BECAUSE THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT LIMITED MEANS.

We had people strolling into my store one or two days before the release demanding to reserve a collector's edition of Grand Theft Auto V. Um, even if there were any left- which there are not, because other people bought them all already- how would we get it to the store by launch day? You realize we're not printing and packaging games in the back, right? We're supposed to fork out for overnight shipping because your entitled ass didn't think to order a limited run item from any of a million retailers, at any point in the past year?

Sorry. Buy the stuff on eBay. I don't even care.

I don't think it's the camera that sux

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. Some guy posted a picture of his new tattoo of a SNES controller. At least, I think it's a SNES controller. It might be an alien, or a malformed fetus. The tattoo's not very good, is what I'm saying here. That is the joke.]

This man is amazing

I don't mean to diminish the very serious potential privacy issues associated with an always-on recording device in your living room, but holy shit, this guy. 

I want him to go on speaking tours.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. 

"So when where ya gonna tell all of us Xbox Lovers that you support Obama and your letting the NEW Xbox One HAVE TOO Stay on and scan the House and Listen to EVERYTHING and it is also Government USED !!!! so your Basically telling us we are gonna Screw you all and get all of you in Trouble or Arrested and so on so on REALLY !!!!!!!!! i have been boycotting this sytem in TN TX GA and KY and all over the NET Fix this or be Screwed YOUR SELF !!!!!!!"

The punctuation and random capitals belong, of course, to the original author. Or in this case, word artisan. ]

This is what an idiot looks like

Maybe this person has bandwidth or data limits and doesn't want to risk going to any website other than Facebook. Maybe they don't have a phone?

Or...

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. 

RED: Are yall open today

STORE: Please contact your local [Store] for store hours: http://www.[store].com/browse/storesearch.aspx

RED: So are yall open today yes or no ]

A wartty crisis

I'm usually pretty good at decoding inarticulate gibberish, but I honestly have no idea what Red is trying to say. They may or may not have purchased an extended warranty, and they definitely have no idea how a warranty works. That's all I got. 

Blue is probably the kind of person who thinks that if you throw your controller at a wall and it stops working, you're entitled to go back to the place where you bought it and ask for a new one. PRO TIP: Nope.

Green gets a gold star.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. 

RED: [Name of store redacted] lie to about wartty work just get u to buy it u must have ext wartty to cover it

BLUE: No....say it ain't so [name of store redacted] lie! Oh don't shop there if you want any kind of customer service!

GREEN: I go to a dermatologist for my warrtys. ]

FALSE! POLAND IS BEST COUNTRY EVER!

They gave us pierogi! And my last name! And CAPSLOCK!

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. HEY [NAME OF STORE]! I KNOW POLAND IS SHITTIEST COUNTRY EVER BUT ARE YOU PLANNING TO MAKE SHOP HERE?"]

Haha, this guy bought Brink

So, there's a new meme going around about video game resale stores. The memes all focus on The Big Video Game Resale Store (a place we'll call StameGop) but the principle is universal, so I'm taking some self-indulgent blog time to respond:

Your stuff is not worth the same amount of money you paid for it.

When you buy stuff, you're not investing in some sort of magical money depository that can be converted back into money at a moment's notice. Stuff is not money. Moreover, when you buy a video game, you are paying to play the game. If you're all "Waaah, I bought this $60 game and played the whole thing and only got $30 when I resold it that's so unfair," you are an ass.

Games are not free. 

Games are not free. Unless they are, which is pretty common, so go play those instead of whining about how you have to spend money to play a game that cost $200 million to produce and distribute. (And that figure is for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, which came out in 2009, which means that more recent blockbuster games have been even more costly.)

People who post crap like this have a fundamental lack of understanding about how resale stores work. They're about convenience for the consumer. If you don't like the fact that they need to mark up your game to sell at a profit, then don't go to a reseller. And I mean, really, we're lucky that resale stores exist for video games. What happens if you bought a lamp and you don't like it anymore? Do you take it down to LampStop and exchange it for credit towards the purchase of a new lamp? Please.

On a happier note, I've also noticed that retailer Facebooks are littered with disgruntled employees telling everyone to STFU, which brings a smile to my face.  

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. The original post is a link to a meme featuring a picture of a bunch of Xbox 360 games and the text "[StameGop] be like I can give you $4.25."

DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE: Assuming all the games are in resellable condition, at a [StameGop] in my area, they're worth $255.60 in store credit or $204.48 in cash. With a [rewards] card, it would be $281.16 in store credit or $224.93 in cash. Most of these games are more than two years old, and most of them suck. I mean, really? Homefront? Brothers in Arms? Brink?

DOUCHE: It's a joke.

DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE: Nah, the joke is all the butthurt dudebros on the internet who don't understand how a store works.]

Spoken like a true 12-year-old

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. "call of duty & grand theft auto 5 and angry birds are my #1 GAMES"]

Good luck with that

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. "Who do i talk to about creating a game because I have a great idea for a game"]

I love a good Facebook throwdown

This is just fantastic. People like this are always making up some way that a business "victimized" them so they can complain and try to get free shit. I think some of this woman's comments were deleted, so some of the responses don't fully make sense, but it's still an epic pile-on. 

PRO TIP: The real world is not kid-friendly, and the store isn't responsible for the fact that a lot of its customers, such as yourself, are total assholes.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. It's a long thread, so it's split into two images, because I ain't got no skills. 

OVERBEARING MOTHER: Today my family went into [name of store redacted] located in [name of city redacted] to purchase a screeb protector for our tablet, while my husband was taking the tablet to get the screen put on by one of the employees my 5 year old and I were looking at the other tablets. While I was looking at the ipad2 my son walked over to another one and said daddy look at this... what is it. To our horror it was PORN!!! We immediately told the manager and he merely said "oh" and started doing whatever to the tablet. He never apologized nor did he tell us that he was going to fix the problem. I asked his (while he was clicking away on the tablet) this is a family store correct? He said yes. Then I said this should never happen right? He said yeah... its not like we did it on purpose. Never once did he even look up at me. We were going to buy a protective cover for our tablet also but after this I will not be putting my money into a store of such filth and horrible customer service. I can just order from [name of store redacted] from now on.

THE STORE: [OVERBEARING MOTHER]-

I'm very sorry to hear about this, and I can definitely understand your frustration. You're right in that this is something that shoulder never happen, and I apologize that our store manager didn't show concern over the situation.

- [SOME POOR SAP WHOSE JOB IT IS TO RESPOND TO CRAZY PEOPLE ON THE CORPORATE FACEBOOK]

OVERBEARING MOTHER: Thank you but can you ensure that this will not happen to anyone elses family? I know there are programs that limit sites and if you indeed consider your store a family store then there should be something setup so no other child should have to see this kind of filth ever in your public stores.

DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE: Nobody can ensure that. Other customers can come in and download other content and leave it there. I don't really see any way that any retailer can prevent this unless they kept the items under constant observation or under lock and key.

Constant observation sounds like a good idea but is unworkable in real life.

Basically, yes it sucks for you that some immature pranksters put porn on a tablet and your 5 year old saw it. But the effect it has on your 5 year old is up to you. If you freak out about it, it becomes a taboo and something that human nature will prod your kids at some point to become even more curious about.

I once observed two kids in Germany in front of a magazine rack reading a comic. Right near them was a Penthouse magazine with full frontal nudity. The mother was right there also but the kids didn't pay it any notice. They don't freak out over it over there so the kids don't become so enthralled with it as American kids do when they find something that is considered taboo. 

When you freak out about it, you make it worse.

DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE: Their network does have filters on it, but there are ALWAYS ways around them.

DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE: Also, he may not have looked at you because he may have been embarrassed at this incident. 

ANOTHER DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE: Short of having an associate monitor the customers testing every piece of electronics in the store, there's no way to fully prevent this. Do I think he might have handled it a little differently? An apology would have been nice, but I was in a similar situation at my old store one time and I was too flabbergasted to say anything.

TROLLOLOL: I am more than sure that video games with some violence will just straighten up your kid!

REALITY CHECK: What do you expect them to do, give you a $500 gift card? Call in detectives and make them get fingerprints off the iPad to try to pinpoint who looked at porn on the device? I mean, maybe you should avoid letting your 5 year old kid mess with in store demo units? I mean it seems like you were too busy playing around yourself and wasn't paying attention to what he was getting into.

MY NEW BEST FRIEND: It doesn't hurt a business to tell them your just going to go somewhere because you didn't get something free... ]

More Facebook gamer poetry

As soon as I figure out how to tag posts, am I gonna have to make a tag for this? Apparently, posting that poem you just wrote on a corporate Facebook is a thing now.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. "So I was hanging out with two of my close friends who were playing Halo 4. While watching them play, I wrote this poem.

Deliverance

A volley of gunfire

A stream of offensive epithets

An amazed girl

And an enraged boy.

After every volley of gunfire,

There was a respawning individual.

Steam could be seen emanating from his ears

Anger radiated off of him.

The girl watched carefully

Taking note of every action.

The sounds of battle could be heard

And the boy kept getting aggressive.

Innovative and anatomically impossible suggestions were made

Names were called and yelled out

And the game continued

"I effing stuck him" was repeatedly yelled.

Finally, after a long rant,

The boy jumped with ecstasy

In the heat of the final battle, he won.

Now he wouldn't have to fling his controller

The girl applauded him, thankful for the blessed silence.

[Names of tagged friends redacted], This is for y'all. :)" ]

Danger is his middle name

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. The author's fake middle name is Danger. "Quick question. Is it mandatory for every [name of store redacted] location to have at least one hot girl working there?"]

The brief answer to your question, good sir, is AW HELL NO. 

To give a more detailed answer: it's people like you who make my job difficult. At least once a day, some invariably male person asks me if I even play video games. (Answer: Yes.) Dudes ask me about my relationship status so often that I have an elaborate made-up boyfriend cover story in place, so I won't ever have to explain that I'm both single and totally not interested. (Someone asked me once what my boyfriend's job was. My fake boyfriend has a fake job.) Grown-ass men tell me LAFF RIOT stories about how bad their girlfriends / wives / random acquaintances who might be women / so on suck at video games, and then stand there and wait for me to laugh along with them. (Hahahaha nope.) Little boys stand right in front of me and tell their parents that they don't want to talk to me because "girls don't know anything about video games."

The implication in complaints like this is that the "hot girl" (READ: female employee) wasn't hired because of her knowledge and qualifications, but because "gamers" (READ: lowest-common-denominator douchebros who sometimes play video games) like "hot girls." Either the "hot girl" is taking the job from a "gamer," or she's there to trick "gamers" into spending more money.  

Our store management, self included, is majority women. (And our part-time chick is a lesbian, so good luck with that, bros! Ask her about her boyfriend's job.) We've all been working at the store for years, and we weren't hired on as tokens. Diversity in the staff down at the shallow end is important for any retailer, because women and other assorted non-bro types have money to spend, too. And yet, even if no women, gay men, anti-sexists, or gender rebels ever in the history of ever bought any games for themselves, if video game stores really did go ahead and hire otherwise unqualified female models to jockey their registers, it would still hurt their sales. 

Why?

A large chunk of the people shelling out all that money for those video games for the coveted men and boys age 12-to-21 set... are their moms.

WHOOPS FOR YOU!

Happy Valentine's Day!

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. "Fire Ball Are Red, Hadoken Are Blue, With Though's Combo Moves, Is Why I Love You! - By [Name Redacted]."]

Returns, returns, returns

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

A: Never going to [name of store redacted] again i buy black ops 2 new played it once and i dident like it and i take it back to [name of store redacted] and i cant trade it in for super mario u...or they will give me 15$....no im going to [name of competitor redacted] from now on

B: Well, maybe u should play the game before u spend 60 dollars on it!

B: Why do u think people have things like gamefly, block buster, or even redbox?!?!

C: Try [name of competitor redacted] or [name of competitor redacted] they tell you what u get for the game on their website

D: How did you not like it it's the best game of 2012

A: [B] i have played it its just that when i played i got bored of it really fast and i like battlefield now

A: call of duty is just boring now

A: i cant rent it im broke  ]

It will come as no surprise that the original poster is a kid. B is one of his real-life friends, and thankfully, has some sense. "I can't afford to rent games because I spent $60 on a game I didn't want!" Really, kid? Really? 

Opened media isn't allowed to be returned. Period. Every retailer has the same policy. It's the same as with a DVD or a CD. You can't buy a DVD, watch it, then return it for full value. That's why you pay for a rental for any media item you don't want to own forever and ever and ever.

Video game purchases are complicated by the fact that many new games come with one-time use codes now, with no way for the retailer to determine whether it's been used. Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 in particular comes with a download voucher for an extra map called Nuketown 2025. Since that content is missing, the game has to be sold as a used game or not at all, which is a huge loss to the retailer on an item that has next to no profit margin anyway. That's why you can't return opened new games. It doesn't stop people from impulse buying expensive items they don't want and freaking out when they can't return them, though.

To those people, I say:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE A RENTAL SERVICE.

Please just go rent your games instead. If you return everything you buy, you're not really a customer anyway.

There's boobs in this post

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out. "You guys should help the fans around the world by telling bethesda to put on every mod that was created such as big boob mod. Big booty mod. Catwalk mod. Oily skin mod. Ultra boob mod. Armor mod. More magic mod. Because you and everybody knows that it isnt fair for pc only to have mods and that bethesda should have all these mods maybe on the dragonborn DLC or on a future DLC. So help me and the fans to get bethesda to put these mods on ps3 and xbox360.in a new DLC or dragonborn DLC thanks and happy new year."]

Leaving aside this man's tenuous grasp on what a mod is, oh my God this is a real thing in the world. This man posted on a business page, using his real name, about how he wants giant oily boobies in his Skyrim, and he wants them now. Bethesda needs to make this happen.

I hate it when salespeople help me out

Here's something I run into quite a bit.

A customer will ask me if something is good. I give an honest answer. If my answer is "no, that game is terrible" (I'm looking at you, Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City!) there's a 50-50 chance that the person will thank me for being honest, or flip out and tell me that I just lost a sale.

It's the second group that makes no sense to me.

Do you really want salespeople to lie to you? I mean, sure, I could easily just tell you that everything's super-great and smile and take your money, but why would I? That just costs the store a customer, and generates more work for me. Someone asked me once why I told the truth and I said, "You'd just be back tomorrow to return it because it's a terrible product, so why not skip all those middle steps and save everyone the effort?"

And don't even get me started on people like this guy:

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. The person writes, "I called ya store and asked if they had some wifi cards for xbox 360 they said yup and gave me a price and everything, got there five minutes later and poof they fresh sold out, but they gladly directed me to [name of competitor redacted] where I found plenty in stock. Looks like you aint gettin my money today."]

Assuming that "wifi cards for xbox 360" is referring to time cards for Xbox Live (he could also be talking about a wifi adapter), those are on sale at my job right now. Is his issue that a store sold out of a major sale item at Christmas? How entitled can you get? In any case, the employees told him that a nearby store would probably have it in stock, and he went there and got exactly what he wanted, with seemingly minimal hassle.

"I got exactly what I wanted! FUCK YOU!"

All a "complaint" like this does is get the employees in trouble for helping him out in a situation that was beyond their control. If this gets back to the store he visited, next time he goes in to shop for something that's sold out, no one's going to be willing or able to tell him where it might be available, because they got yelled at by management for recommending a competitor. Whoops for you! 

Facebook Funtime

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook conversation with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

A: I try buying a new xbox 360 wirless adapter and the price was $69.99,but the tax was close to $76.00!!!!!!! WTF !!!!!!! CAN YOU GIVE ME GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULDNT PUT [name of store redacted] ON FIRE!!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!?

B: you would have to set your state gov on fire they make the sales tax not [name of store redacted]

A: oh thank you ]

This charming conversation was captured from the actual real-life Facebook page of my actual real-life job. 

This is my reality.