It’s easy when you work retail to assume that everyone ever
is trying to scam you. After all, 1 in 11 people have shoplifted,* and
the majority of them do it (or started doing it) just because they can. Add that to the not-quite-illegal-but-still-gross new consumer
culture of throwing a fit in the store to get free stuff, and I find customers
the least trustworthy people ever. Here are ten shady customer activities that make me cast a jaundiced eye on the public.
1. Waiting outside the store before it opens for no reason
Who gets out of bed early on their day off, goes to a store
before it opens, waits in their car for half an hour, rushes in the minute you
unlock the door, and then tells you they’re “just looking”? What is that? Stop
stealing accessories! Stop it!
2. Touching everything
“I only want to buy this tablet if I can tug on the demo
unit until it detaches from the security device,” said no one ever. I’ve
watched people do a full run of the store and yank on everything. I really wish
that the alarm system would just shout “NONE FOR YOU!” over and over instead of
beeping.
3. Giving me your Concealed Carry license when I ask for I.D.
What am I supposed to say to that? “Is this a hold-up”? My
understanding is that you’re only supposed to show that to cops who are in the
middle of arresting you for having a concealed weapon. Once I had someone tell
me that he left his driver’s license at home. Why would you have your gun
license on you, but not your driver’s license? So you drove here illegally, and
you have a firearm concealed on your person? Swell!
This happens to me way too often, and I always want to tell
them that they’re making the world a more dangerous place. Fuck guns.
4. Staring at the wall
You’ve been staring at Disney Universe for an hour without
moving. No, you are not going to buy anything. No, you are not part of the
scenery. No, you are not interested in Disney Universe.
5. Paying for tiny purchases with enormous bills
No, I will not break your Benjamin for a $5 pair of
headphones. Besides the fact that that's how counterfeiters get free real cash, we usually don't even have enough cash in the drawer to do it, because of the theft that this post is about. Stop printing fake money in your basement.
6. Hiding things in the store to “come back for them later”
The best is when people do come back and say “Hey, where’s
my stuff? I left it behind the Halo display.” Well, I put it all back where it
belongs because that’s my job. You could have just asked me to hold it for you,
but that would make it way harder for you to walk out with it later. A
conundrum!
7. People who go out of their way to complain about customer
service
When people have a tiny, easy-to-resolve problem but go
right into the (obviously rehearsed) “terrible customer service” rant, you know
they’re the sort of people who hop from store to store causing ridiculous
scenes so that they’ll get free shit. While this may not be strictly criminal,
it is shady as fuck, and also pretty damn depressing. Anyone willing to trade
their dignity for a free sandwich is fewer than the average number of steps
away from being willing to trade not-being-a-felon for a free TV, is all I’m
sayin’.
8. Buying something, then returning it at another location
Oh, so you just happened to be all the way over here today,
ten miles from the store where you bought this, with your receipt and the
product you wanted to return? These people invariably want cash back for their
return, but GUESS WHAT! If you paid with a gift card at the location in
Towntenmilesfromhere, I’m giving you a refund on a gift card now.
MuahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, seriously, people try to get free cash that way. All the
time. For real.
9. Writing a check to purchase something in a retail store
It’s a regular occurrence at my store to come in and see a
bag full of expensive stuff put on hold for someone.
“What’s that bag from?” you ask. And the answer is
invariably, “Rubber check.”
I think I’ve seen my store accept one check ever. Pretty
much all stores don’t take them anymore because they are ALWAYS FAKE. Years of
people assuming that writing a check equals “hey, free money!” have led to the
demise of checks. Besides, if you have a checking account to begin with,
doesn’t the bank give you a free check card? It’s exactly like writing a check,
minus the part where you’re a lying, thieving tool.
10. Anyone who ever asks for any discount ever
“Great! Then I can come to your job and get you
fired!”
