Merry Christmas Eve!

This morning, on my way to work at 6:30 AM, I accidentally shut my hand in my car door. Now it's starting to show bruising.

"My poor fingers are bruising," I said.

"Do you need to put something cold on it? asked Free Shirt. "I can get you some snow and a paper towel."

Extended holiday hours

We have to stay open until 10.

Naturally, the only person who's been in here for the past hour is some drunk asshole who decided to come in here and play our PS4 demo while he waits for the bus.

Fuck this guy.

X-rated shift

A man came into The Store to buy an Xbox 360 for his 7-year-old daughter. As he was looking at games, he asked me:

"Do they make X-rated games yet?"

"Well, they exist- the rating is AO, for "Adults Only"- but there's not a big market for them, because none of the major retailers will carry them."

"So I could go online and buy them?"

"I mean, your daughter would be able to see everything you'd been using the 360 for. She'd be like, "Daddy, what's the XXX achievement?""

"And I'd say, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!""

I still don't know if he was serious or not. He was probably serious- that's the kind of people who shop here.

Later on, a guy was buying a bunch of Skylanders toys, for Christmas presents. They come in bulky, awkward packaging.

"Those must be impossible to gift wrap," I commented.

"Oh, they are. I always make my wife do it."

"That's why I don't have any kids," I said. "I'm terrible at wrapping things."

"Or maybe you don't have any kids because you're really good at wrapping things," he said.

I laughed really hard.

NEW FAVORITE CUSTOMER.

Happy belated birthday, Jim Morrison!

So yesterday, The Veteran, who is always a ray of sunshine, comes into work and says:

"Man, it's Jim Morrison's birthday. I'm already older than he was when he died, and I haven't done anything."

Then I said,

"Look at it this way. I bet Jim Morrison didn't have all of the original Skylanders figurines!"

"World's Best Boss" mug. From giftsforageek.com

So, the Video Game Awards happened

Because I am sort of a video game maybe journalist, it is my sworn responsibility to write about Events in the Video Game Industry, or whatever. And it just so happened that last night was the formerly-known-as Spike TV Video Game Awards! It took me a weirdly long time to find a list of the winners, but they are here:

Hey, this is a link to the 2013 award winners

Very predictable- Grand Theft Auto V deserved to win Game of the Year. One thing I don't get is, though Link Between Worlds and Super Mario 3D World are both awesome and ambitious games that I own personally, they only came out on November 22nd. How are they eligible for "best of the year" awards when they've barely been out three weeks?

Of course, the VGAs are notoriously disorganized. I like to imagine that this is what the Oscars were like, Back In The Day.

I have mixed feelings about Ni no Kuni taking home Best RPG, too, because I feel like it's a nostalgia vote. The game is beautiful and amazing, but it's also aggressively traditional. The same game with less pretty visual and audio effects could easily have been made a decade ago, and the story structure is lifted right out of 90s classics like old Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy. I love traditional RPGs as much as the next girl, but I also accept that the genre has moved on. I mean, I'd even put Skylanders in the RPG category over the "casual" category. You know, because it's an RPG, and a very well-made one, too.

None of that really matters though, because WHY THE HELL DID WILLEM DAFOE NOT WIN BEST  MALE VOICE ACTOR?

Willem Dafoe at the Beyond: Two Souls release. From zimbio.com

THERE IS NO "SECOND BEST."

THERE IS NO "OTHER FAVORITE."

THERE IS ONLY DAFOE.

AND AGAIN!

A guy came in today to buy janky off-brand Wii remotes. He asked if they worked the same as a regular Wii remote and I said yes.

FAST FORWARD.

Angry phone call.

"THESE DON'T HAVE THE WII MOTION PLUS."

"Um, no, they don't." 

"I ASKED YOU IF THEY WERE THE SAME AS A REGULAR WII REMOTE AND YOU SAID YES."

Regular Wii remotes don't have the Motion Plus included. Motion Plus is extra.

"I misunderstood the question," is what I said instead. "You can buy the Motion Plus controllers for $20 more."

Yet another crisis that could have been averted if people stopped buying janky off-brand controllers.

Um, what

So, right now I'm watching Castle on Hulu Plus, because obviously. It just went to an ad break, and my Xbox 360 told me to go out and preorder Dead Rising 3 for the Xbox One.

UM, THAT GAME CAME OUT THREE WEEKS AGO WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING PREORDERS OF IT WHY WHY WHY WHY

Also, thank god Beckett got fired from the FBI. Those episodes were terrible.

Amateur guitarists are douchebags

Someone came in today to buy Rocksmith, a video game that teaches you how to play guitar. I hate the ads for Rocksmith because they're always trash-talking actual lessons with a real teacher. Speaking as a real-life teacher and student of private instrumental lessons, no, I don't think learning tools like Rocksmith are an effective replacement for a human teacher.

Of course, a lot of bros who pick up guitar aren't really interested in mastering an instrument, instead being mostly just interested in being "good enough." You know, to impress the laydeez at parteez. 

Anyway, this guy is buying Rocksmith, and it somehow comes up that I am a real-life musician-type person.

"What instrument do you play?"

"Clarinet," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Well, that's not as romantic as guitar."

Um, what? In what universe!? There is literally an entire genre of orchestral music referred to, Officially, by Music Historians, as the Romantic period. People EAT UP that tortured classical musician crap.

(Incidentally, if you're ever talking to a classical musician and you're like, "I can't tell if this is sexy passion or pretentious bullshit," the answer is usually pretentious bullshit. I know. I'm on the inside.)

Anyway, the important thing is that ain't nobody compares a clarinet unfavorably to a guitar in front of ME without getting viciously mocked on the internet.

No, sir.

The glorious return of the "janky off-brand controllers" tag

We get all kinds of janky off-brand controllers at Christmas, because people will buy anything at Christmas. Nevertheless, we haven't had any good janky off-brand controller moments lately.

UNTIL TODAY!

First off, I get a call in the early afternoon.

"I NEED A WIRELESS CONTROLLER FOR AN XBOX 360. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MICROSOFT BRAND."

"Well," I said. "Microsoft doesn't let anyone else make wireless controllers, so if you want wireless, you have to buy a Microsoft controller."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE AT [OTHER LOCATION] SAID."

Oh, great. Great.

"Well, there is one off-brand wireless controller, but it's really old. It was basically made in the Dark Ages." Yes, I did use the actual phrase "the Dark Ages." Seriously. Right now, I don't even remember the brand, and I'm trying to find a picture for the blog of the one off-brand 360 controller, and I can't even find one. They are a mere legend, spoken of only in the whispers of [Other Location]'s phone conversations.

"THE OTHER STORE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TEN DOLLARS AND THAT YOU HAVE ONE."

"Uhh, let me check."

Sure enough, we have one hanging in the area where sad old cheap used accessories live. Let's call it the Accessories Graveyard. Where gross accessories go to die. I'm pretty sure this controller has been in the store since before I started working there four years ago.

"Uhh, it's here, but it's old. Really old."

"IT WORKS FOR THE 360 DOESN'T IT?"

"...technically, yes."

"HOLD IT FOR ME."

She apparently called back to ask about janky off-brand PS3 controllers, but I didn't have to field that call. She did not come in to pick up the janky off-brand 360 controller she had on hold.

Later, at close, right at 9, the Highest Man Ever stumbled in, right past The Veteran trying to close the gates. He went straight to the demo PS4, and freaked out because it was turned off. You know, because the store was closed.

"I NEED TO BUY A PS3 CONTROLLER." Predictably, the actual Sony ones were a little out of his price range.

"JUST GIVE ME A REGULAR CHEAP ONE." Sony does allow other companies to make wireless controllers, so The Veteran grabbed a cheap wireless controller, just as Junkie grabbed a cheap wired controller.

"IS THAT WIRELESS? I'LL TAKE THAT ONE." He paid with a $50 bill, because of course he did. After he'd paid, and we were ready to usher him out of the store because we'd been closed for ten minutes, he asked us how he was supposed to charge it. Keep in mind that rechargeable batteries are expensive, and this guy had just bought a janky off-brand controller.

"It takes AAs," said The Veteran.

"NO. I CAN'T DO BATTERIES. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

"Would you like to buy some batteries? We sell batteries here." Junkie flew into a rage.

"NO. NO. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

So, we exchanged the two controllers. It took a while, since doing a refund requires taking down the person's information, even if they literally bought the item two seconds ago. While The Veteran made his way through the transaction, Junkie found a display box for some headphones and tried to get me to show them to him. On his way out, he jostled the Xbox One demo unit to try to see what was inside, or something.

When we finally got rid of him and locked the doors, I started laughing and couldn't stop.

"WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED!?"

The Veteran shook his head at me.

Deadbeat Dadurday

I walk into the store and am greeted by a small child waving one of our displays around and shouting nonsense, while his dad preorders a DBZ game.

This does not bode well.

Real-life Customer Quotes: Reading is Hard Edition

A couple weeks ago, our store was able to special order PS4s and Xbox Ones for customers in bundle format- basically, the system plus a bunch of games and accessories for many hundreds of dollars. We had an advertisement for the bundles we were able to order posted on the door. Most people just saw the part that said "Available," rushed in, and freaked when we told them they'd also have to buy six games and a controller. One particular gentleman came in in a righteous fury, and shouted:

"HOW CAN YOU CHARGE MORE THAN THE SYSTEM IS WORTH!?"

"It's bundled with a bunch of other stuff," I said. "Did you read the description?"

"I DON'T READ."

Ok, then.

Today, a lady came in, stared directly at the display box for the Microsoft Kinect, and asked:

"What's a Microsoft Kindle?"

No, I mean that literally- they will not pay us to keep the store open late

I have HAD IT with these customers, loyal readers.

Today, as we were closing up the store at 9 P.M., A Customer came in. He saw Free-Shirt pulling the gates closed (yeah, our store has metal gates in the front, we're classy) and asked,

"When do you guys close?"

"9 P.M.," I said.

"Your website says 10," he said. I pulled out my phone and checked our posted hours. Sure enough, Thursday says 10 AM to 10 PM, even though every other day of the week is correctly marked at 10 AM to 9 PM.

In the meantime, the guy and his girlfriend are looking at the wall and whining about how Skyrim is still $50.

"That's the legendary edition with all the DLC," I said. "The game by itself is $20."

"I ALREADY HAVE IT," he snapped at me.

This week of all weeks, I don't have time for people to be rude to me for trivial bullshit.

"Yeah, the website says 10 PM, but sorry, it must be a typo," I said. "Every other day is correctly marked 10 to 9."

"WHERE IS FALLOUT," he snapped.

"In the "Under $10" bin," I said. He managed to find it and bring it up to the register as Free-Shirt is locking the door and beginning to clean up customer mess.

"I'M FEELING RUSHED RIGHT NOW," he complained.

"Sorry," I said. "We don't get paid to stay open late."

Now, I am aware that mentioning your shitty working conditions to customers is The Biggest No-No Ever In The History of Corporate Retail, but I've had it with this guy.

"WELL, THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE."

Ain't nobody disses my attitude.

"I mean that literally," I said flatly. "They will not pay us to keep the store open late. We're restricted in the number of hours we can have employees scheduled, and we're already over our allocation for this week." Of course, legally, they have to pay us for hours worked, but there are all kinds of tricks corporate can use to "make up" the over-used time, the most common one being slashing hours for the following days and weeks, which hurts the store long-term.

(By the way, we're over on hours because our district manager came in, moved everything around, made a huge mess, and we had to bring in an extra employee to clean it all up.)

"WELL, THEN, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY MESSED UP THE SCHEDULE."

"We have no control over the number of payroll hours we get. Feel free to take it up with our corporate office."

"MAYBE I WILL."

Seriously. Customers are not Delicate Flowers who can't bear the effects of Reality interfering with their Happy Shopping Time. Stores, particularly small specialty stores like mine, have closing times for a reason. Even if I didn't have a life outside of work and was totally happy to wait around for him to finish picking out $5 PS3 games, I would get punished by corporate for going into overtime.

Of course, I'm going to get reamed by corporate anyway for telling a customer THE TRUTH OF RETAIL, but at least I get to watch my DM flounder when I ask him how much overtime pay I can get.

Encouraging people to complain to corporate totally takes the wind out of their sails, though.

Cogs in the machine, bro

Some corporate rich people are in town today, and they might visit the store, so we have to be all clean and presentable. Which means we have to wear our name tags, which I usually don't do because I'm a rebel. Unfortunately, I have no idea where my name tag is, so I just put on AsS's instead.

Let's mention here that AsS is an adult man, with an adult man name.

No one noticed I was wearing some dude's name tag for hours.

GUESS NOT WEARING MY NAME TAG ISN'T THAT BIG A DEAL AFTER ALL, HUH, CORPORATE

Why does everyone keep laughing when I tell them I was munching carpet this morning?

So, this just happened to me:

A screenshot from Link Between Worlds. Someone asks Link, face down on the floor: "Hey, you listening to me? What, the rug tastes really good or something?"

And who says that Zelda needs voice acting? Comedy GOLD.

I wish math was an everybody skill

Woman bought four games, for $40, $40, $25, and $10. She has a $30 in-store credit. I told her her total after tax was $100. She pays me, leaves, and immediately comes back.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO APPLY MY CREDIT."

Given that 40 + 40 + 25 + 10 > 100, I'd say I ALREADY DID, MA'AM.

Really, bro?

A guy just came in to return a DS because he claimed it wasn't able to charge, because the charge light wouldn't stay lit.

We had to explain to him that the charge light goes out when the battery is done charging.

There's a website called Black Friday Death Count

Black Friday Death Count

Good thing someone's counting, I guess? My job as a cashier should not be hazardous to my bodily safety, but it often is. Register jockeys get threatened with violence all the time.

And someone actually punched bossbro in the face once, but that deserves its own post.

Black Friday is a scam

There's plenty of internet out there about how Black Friday deals are basically the worst, especially on big-ticket items. Last night I was at the store until 11 P.M. unloading all the cheap Black Friday garbage that corporate is eager to unload on the public this year. My personal favorite is our returning door buster $60 tablet that's so cheaply made that it doesn't even have a real manufacturer's warranty. 

Because I want to be that fancy blogger who links to The Wall Street Journal, enjoy this link to The Wall Street Journal:

The Dirty Secret of Black Friday 'Discounts' 

Here's how it works, according to one industry consultant describing an actual sweater sold at a major retailer. A supplier sells the sweater to a retailer for roughly $14.50. The suggested retail price is $50, which gives the retailer a roughly 70% markup. A few sweaters sell at that price, but more sell at the first markdown of $44.99, and the bulk sell at the final discount price of $21.99. That produces an average unit retail price of $28 and gives the store about a 45% gross margin on the product.

Retailers didn't always price this way. It used to be that most items were sold at full price, with a limited number of sales to clear unsold inventory. That began to change in the 1970s and 1980s, when a rash of store openings intensified competition and forced retailers to look for new ways to stand out.

We run into this a lot with video games- basically all new releases are $60, even the ones that shouldn't be, because $60 is What A New Game Costs and they have to milk as much money out of their crap as they can. Many non-A-list games will go "on sale" for $10 or $20 off mere weeks after they came out, which is preeeeetty irritating when you're the one changing the price tags. (And is one of the reasons I generally only buy Nintendo products, which don't have silly price fluctuations, except for the 3DS that one time LOL.)

Of course, as the article mentions, when stores try to go from the misleading inflated-prices-and-sales format to a more honest everyday-low-price format, people stop shopping there. Retailers are stuck in a cycle of artificially jacking up prices so they can afford crazy markdowns, because people would rather buy stuff off the sale rack. Is it because they think something's better quality if it's priced higher? I dunno.

Other things people complain about, like not including sales tax in the price or pricing everything at $9,999.99 instead of $10,000.00 and so on, is just more nonsense that retailers have come up with to make things look more competitively priced than they are. And you know why they keep doing it?

Because it works.

USians have voted with their wallets, and they said: "We want misleading sale nonsense!" Now we're all stuck with it.

It was this post or a long, profane screed about how much I hate the concept of "deals," because DEALS ARE A LIE.

BLOG LADY: THE CLOPENING

Out at 1 AM.

In at 7 AM.

Aaaaaaand, CLOPEN!

Fuck this guy

According to his fbook profile picture, this person is an ADULT MAN. We ran a small child out for trying to do this recently:

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out.

 

"Thank you to the worker name [redacted] at my local [redacted] for excepting my money in all pennies which we counted on the front desk so i can get GTA5. Than you for taking your time to count 60k+ pennies" ]

This is what you get for trying to be funny at me

A conversation I just had with Free-Shirt, submitted without comment:

"Wanna hear a terrible pun?"

"Sure."

"Why did the bear get fired from his job?" she asked. Pause. "Because he wasn't koala-fied!"

Long pause.

"Koalas aren't bears."

PS4 round-up

One week into the PS4. No one who bought it at our store has had any technical problems, so either 1. our customers are smarter than the average bear, 2. the failure reports are overblown, or 3. both. (We had a ton of people when the Wii U launched who turned it off while it was updating and then didn't understand why it stopped working. USER ERROR USER ERROR USER ERROR)

Friend of the blog Ms. Susan Strong picked up her PS4 at my store, but she wasn't going to be able to make it until after midnight, so in exchange for booze and eggnog, my dad took her gift cards and came in before midnight to finalize payment. He waited patiently among the mega-nerds until he reached my register, at which point he yelled:

"DO YOU HAVE ANY GAMES FOR THE ATARI 2600!?"

#shitmydadsays 

Two refreshing tales of honesty

For the first time in my long tenure as a register jockey at the game store, somebody actually brought back what they stole. A kid had grabbed a bunch of DS games, and her mom dragged her back into the store and told me:

"I THINK MY DAUGHTER WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOMETHING."

I was like, whoa. You're new at this, aren't you? I've never seen an honest customer before.

Around the same time, a teenager came in with his grandma and was looking at used 360s. As we may remember from my super helpful guide, there are a couple different models of 360. The kid of course grabbed the cheapest one and came up to the register.

"What are you planning on using the 360 for?" I asked.

"To play games," the kid said, like I was stupid.

"Which games are you planning on playing?"

"I dunno."

"This model doesn't come with any memory or wireless internet capability- you would have to buy those separately. The next-most-expensive model comes with 4 GB of flash memory and a built-in wireless adapter, but some games require a full hard drive. The next-next-most-expensive model comes with a built-in wireless adapter and a 250 GB hard drive."

The teenager stared at me blankly.

"Ok, I'm not doing this," said Grandma. "Figure out what you're buying and come back with your parents."

I wanted to give her a high-five. THANK YOU FOR NOT BUYING THE WRONG THING AND THEN RETURNING IT BECAUSE I HATE THAT! YOU ARE MY HERO, RANDOM GRANDMA! I WISH EVERY CUSTOMER WAS YOU!

I like the good customers.

On the subject of hard drives

Today, a man came in to buy Grand Theft Auto V. Much like many other games that have come out this year, GTA V requires a partial install to play. So, I ask this guy if he has 8 GB of free space on his system.

"What's the basic amount?"

"...4 GB," I said.

"Yeah, I had one of those hard drives but I sold it to some kid." Super. "I can't play Grand Theft Auto at all?"

"No. It requires an 8 GB install."

"Why!?"

"Game developers have hit the limit of what the 360 can do," I said. "GTA V is too big a game to run off of a disc. You can't even play Battlefield 4 without a real hard drive. "

"How can they do that!?"

"...it's not their fault that you sold your hard drive."

He ended up buying GTA V and a 16 GB flash drive, only to return twenty minutes later to return it because he "couldn't justify spending that much."

"I'd rather just put that money towards a One," he said.

"You can't play Grand Theft Auto V on an Xbox One," I said. If he understood me or cared, he didn't show it.

And, naturally, he paid with a Visa gift card, so we got to go through the whole song and dance about how Visa gift cards aren't refundable as Visa gift cards. Hooray!

Stop asking me for the internet

"PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I CAN GET THE INTERNET ON MY WII."

"Uh, yeah, you can."

"HOW DO I DO THAT?"

Now, less experienced register jockeys would start going into the settings on the Wii, but not I.

"Do you have an internet connection? Like, do you have internet in your house?"

"I CAN DO THE INTERNET ON MY PHONE."

"That's probably 3G- the Wii only connects to WiFi. So, you would need an internet connection and a wireless router."

"DO YOU SELL THAT HERE?"

"No, we don't sell... internet hook-up supplies."

In hindsight, depending on her phone plan, it might be possible for her to set up a WiFi hot spot using her phone, but I would have no idea how to explain that to somebody.

And the winners keep on rolling

Today I got a call from someone who had an Xbox One preordered at the store. He wanted to know how long we could hold it for him, since he "spent all his money at the bar last night" and didn't know when he was getting paid next.

SOLUTION: He should team up with the food stamps guy and have wacky sitcom adventures that end with neither of them getting a next-gen console.

Frequently asked questions

Today, I, Miss Blog Lady, am going to take some time out of my very busy life to answer a burning question I've gotten from many a reader.

Q: Why are you using Blogger and not Tumblr?

A: Because Tumblr is for porn.

The end.

A new evil reveals itself

People have taken to asking me if there are any PS4s available in such a way that I have to say "yes." Such as:

"Are all the PS4s sold out?"

YOU ARE THROWING OFF MY GROOVE, THE PUBLIC. NO NO NO NO NO.

I also made this sign for the door, hoping that the customers would respond to their native language, Internet:

"We are sold out of PS4s and we don't know when we're getting more. Sorry!" with a picture of Grumpy Cat

Results are mixed.

It's been a rough couple of weeks at Blogger HQ, with the PS4 coming out. I've taken to answering all questions in the simplest way possible, because repetition is making my voice hurt.

"Do you have any PS4s?"

"No."

"Do you know anyone else who has PS4s?"

"No."

"Do you know when you're getting more PS4s?"

"No."

"Can you call me when there's more PS4s?"

"No."

The prize for "most desperate call yet" goes to the guy who, on the night of the release, called the store and asked if we could give him a PS4 in exchange for $500 in food stamps.

"...................No."

"Get out."

A normal-looking middle-aged man came in and walked to the register, where he had the misfortune of encountering ladyboss.

"Hey," he said. "Can I buy all your extra Xbox Ones? I want to sell them on eBay."

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out."

He left quickly.

But WHO'S ON FIRST!?

The other day, we had some Wiiple trying to return a Wii remote because they claimed it didn't work, when really the issue was that they hadn't synced it. This happens all the time. So I opened up the Wiimote to show them where the sync button is.

"See this red button here? There's an identical button on the front of the Wii, inside the panel next to the disc slot. All you need to do is push those the buttons at the same time." The girl asked,

"So, what do I push on the Wii?"

Pause.

"There's a panel on the front of the Wii, next to the disc tray. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"Red... you mean the power button?"

"No. There's a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"But what do I push on the Wii?"

"There's a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you'll see a red button that looks just like this one."

"NO. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I PUSH ON THE WII."

"That's what I'm telling you," I said, tired of repeating myself. "There is a panel on the front of the Wii. When you open it, you will see a red button that looks just like this one. That is the button that you push."

"Oooohhhhhh," she said. She and her mom left to pick out a game. The mom came back almost immediately.

"Can you explain that again?"

"The directions are in the box."

On the subject of people thinking different chain stores have a hive mind

There are certain things we can't share between stores. Pre-orders are a big one. If you put down a deposit on something, that deposit is tied to the specific location. It's done that way for security and inventory reasons. Of course, the customers are never happy when we take precautions to protect their money.

I wasn't there for the first part of the fight, but apparently some loser got in a huge fight with The Veteran because he couldn't find his preorder. The first question is always, "Did you do the pre-order at another store? We can't share pre-order information between stores." Regardless, this guy did another pre-order for Ghosts, and left. Apparently.

He came back, rage-ablazin', during the Ghosts midnight release.

"I FOUND MY RECEIPT!" he shouted. "THAT GUY HERE BEFORE TOLD ME HE COULDN'T FIND MY PRE-ORDER BUT I FOUND MY RECEIPT."

He triumphantly threw the receipt down in front of me. I glanced at it.

"I KNEW I DID IT HERE. I DID THE PRE-ORDER RIGHT HERE."

"This is a receipt for [store on the other side of town]," I said flatly, pointing to the store name and address printed at the top of the receipt.

".......oh."

"Did he tell you we can't look up pre-orders from other stores?"

"........."

"Would you still like to pick up Ghosts?"

".....yeah."

"I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!"

"I thought this Xbox came with the internet!" is our go-to joke stupid-question-that-customers-ask.

"Oh, I have a really silly question- can I hook my 360 up to a standard definition TV?"

"Yes, you can! And believe me, that's not a silly question at all. We get people complaining because they thought their Xbox came with the internet."

One of my first customers ever was a woman who didn't understand why her DSi couldn't connect to the internet in her internet-free home. (At least a DSi is a handheld, though, so someone who doesn't understand the difference between WiFi and 3G could get it confused with their phone service.) I haven't had an "I THOUGHT THIS XBOX CAME WITH THE INTERNET!" person for a while, so I don't think there are any posts about it on this blog. But never fear, my friends!

THE STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN!

I got a phone call yesterday from a gentleman who had bought an Xbox and a subscription to Xbox Live. He had screaming kids in the background, and I'm pretty sure he was talking on speaker, which makes every phone call great. He told me he couldn't figure out how to redeem the code on the Xbox Live card.

"The directions for how to redeem the code are printed on the card," I said. As are the words, I might add, "broadband internet required."

 "IT KEEPS TELLING ME TO GET A MODEM OR A ROUTER OR SOMETHING," he shouted.

Pause.

"Do you have an internet connection in your house?"

"NO. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME I NEEDED ONE."

Pause.

"You can't use internet services without an internet connection."

"THEY TOLD ME I COULD GET MY NETFLIX ON HERE."

"...you need an internet connection to stream Netflix. It's an internet service."

"MAN, THIS IS MESSED UP."

No it's not.

"WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME I NEEDED INTERNET FOR NETFLIX!?"

Long pause. Total silence. Resisting the urge to say "because I'm sure they thought they didn't have to."

"WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS LIVE WITH NO INTERNET!?"

Pause.

"Literally nothing. Xbox Live is the name of the 360's internet service."

"I BET I CAN'T EVEN RETURN THIS."

"What store did you get it from?"

"YOURS!"

"The [location] location?"

"YEAH!"

"If you have your receipt and it's been less than thirty days, we can give you a refund," I said.

He never showed, which means he either lied outright when he said he got it at our location, or he doesn't understand that different stores in the same chain are run by different people, and don't have some sort of hive mind. Either way, I'm sure the other store was thrilled to deal with him while he ranted about how some lady on the other side of town told him he could have a refund if he brought his receipt. 

CODBLOPSBIES

In honor of Call of Duty day, here is a text conversation I had with High Maintenance Roommate last night:

An iPhone text conversation. Transcript is below.

UM, JUST KIDDING! I could NEVER get a second kitty when my first one is so cute!

A picture of Valenbaby cuddling with another kitten on the back of a chair.

Ok, yeah, my roommates have a kitten, too.

Don't worry about it.

Call of Duty is here

Got home from the midnight release. It was surprisingly calm, as was the double release for Battlefield 4 and Assassin's Creed IV. I have a creeping sense of dread that everyone's waiting to buy all this crap for the new consoles, a week from now.

If I get mauled by holiday shoppers, tell my family that I love them.

We have a sort of tradition at my store where we give out prizes to people who know our names. Sometimes we have real trivia, or a raffle, but we always do the super secret special trivia question:

"WHAT IS MY NAME?"

Our names print at the top of every receipt for every transaction we do, so even if we're not wearing name tags, it's easy to find if you think about it. And all of us except The Veteran have extremely common names. Besides, it's a fun Get To Know Your Game Store Register Jockey activity, and it's all in good fun.

None of the people in the first line group knew who I was. It's the Call of Duty people- they come in once a year.

"It's a really common name," I hinted. "Really common." Someone guessed it almost immediately. We gave him his prize- a Call of Duty tchotchke. He didn't even want it, so he gave it to a kid in line. And while all this is happening, an older gentleman in the front shouts:

"THAT IS NOT A COMMON NAME."

Trust me when I say I have a common name. There were at least three of me in every class growing up.

"It is for people my age," I said. "It was the number one girl's name in the country every year for over a decade in the 80s and 90s." He grumbled a bit, took his game, and left.

On the plus side, almost everyone in that first group thanked me by name when I handed them their games. It was actually really sweet.

Thanks, customers! You're all right.

Even if you do play Call of Duty.

Apparently the new Batman game is too hard for the bros

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have not played Batman: Arkham Origins, nor have I played Arkham Asylum or Arkham City (even though I know the ending.) I can't personally attest to the difficulty level. Ladyboss has been playing the game like a maniac, though, and she commented on how hard some of the boss fights were- there were a few she had to do twice. So, you know, there's some level of skill involved.

Because it's a game that requires some level of skill, everybro has been bringing it back to the store to complain about how terrible it is.

One particular repeat-offense bro who also traded in Assassin's Creed IV because he got stuck somewhere came in today to also trade in Arkham Origins. 

"This game is terrible!" he complained, tossing it on the counter.

"Why is it terrible?"

"It's too hard! Why is it so hard? Kids can't play that!"

"Well, most games aren't really designed with kids in mind," I said. "The average gamer is in their 30s."

"It's too hard! I got stuck in Assassin's Creed, and now I'm stuck in Arkham!"

"So, you're trading in the new Batman game because it was too hard for you?" I asked.

Pause.

"Well, you know, it's not that it was hard," he said. "It was just difficult."

Well, that clears that up.

I'm really tired of angry old people who don't understand gift cards

A grandparent came into the store to buy a gift card.

"I WANT A GIFT CARD," he shouted. Now, we have a lot of different gift cards with different pictures on them. In particular, we have "Happy Birthday!" gift cards, and of course we just got all of our holiday gift cards. So, my coworker asks:

"What's the occasion?"

"I WANT A GIFT CARD. SO HE CAN SPEND MONEY HERE," the angry old guy yells, as if it's the register jockey who doesn't understand how a gift card works.

At non-Christmas times, when people buy gift cards, I always ask whose birthday it is. And then they look at me like I am a goddamn wizard and ask how I knew it was someone's birthday. And I always say:

"Why else would you be buying a gift card?"

The embarrassment on their faces fuels my soul.

LOL FOREVER

This is an interview from last year about MiiVerse's sophisticated penis-drawing-blocking software:

MiiVerse Penis Drawing Detection Took Weeks to Develop

Why did I not know about this until now!? THIS IS HILARIOUS! I love how confused they are about why Americans draw penises so much.

"It's only the Americans! Why do they keep drawing penises!? Why won't anyone draw a vagina!?"

I talked to a mean phone lady, and it was just like every other day

The other day, a nice grandma was in the store buying birthday presents for her grandsons. One of the things on their list was "an Xbox 360 hard drive," which as we all know from my helpful guide, is different depending on which model 360 they have. Typically, extended family who's buying gifts are pretty understanding about my needing more information to sell them the right product. She calls her daughter to ask what Xbox they have. She clearly wasn't getting anywhere, so I asked if I could talk to the mom directly.

"Do you know what model Xbox 360 you have?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" Charming. I went in to my list of questions.

"What color is it?"

"UH. BLACK."

"Does it have a built-in wireless internet connection?"

"WHAT?"

"Can it connect to the internet without using cords."

"WELL, I ASSUME SO, SINCE THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING ONLINE," she said nastily.

"Ok. That means you have the slim model, and it requires an internal hard drive." At this point, I'm talking to the mean phone lady and the grandma in the store. "The internal hard drives are $129.99. If you're looking for a less expensive option, you can also use USB flash drives."

"THAT'S UP TO HER," phone lady snarled. I handed the phone back. The grandma talked to her daughter for a little while about the options, and decided to go with the expensive hard drive. She was happy that she bought the right thing, thanked me, and left.

I hope for her kind and patient self that her grandsons are less snotty than her daughter is.

IT'S PRACTICALLY HERE

We just finished hiring all the seasonal people.

Christmas is coming.

I love Christmas, but people get a wee bit irrational the closer we get. And this is the first console launch I've worked, and I've been told that once we're sold out, grandmas will be crying at me all the time. Cool! My grandma would never cry in a store for a video game. If I asked her to wait around in stores to buy me one, she'd be like, "Um, no. You already have too many toys. Go play with your hoop and stick," or something, because my grandma is hardcore.

Anyway.

Last year on Black Friday, we were doing a sale on used games. Sometime in the morning, an elderly woman wandered in because she'd heard about the sale. Ladyboss asked if she could help her find anything.

"THESE ARE ON SALE, RIGHT?" She held up some brand new merch.

"Actually, the sale is only on used items," ladyboss explained. The woman shouted:

"I DON'T WANT ANYTHING USED!" and threw all her stuff on the floor. As she was flouncing out of the store, she turned, looked at ladyboss, and growled: 

"You better shape up."

Ladyboss waved and said:

"Have a nice day! Merry Christmas!"

Solidarity, bro

We've recently acquired a gaggle of teenage boys from a nearby high school who come in and heckle the employees by asking a lot of questions about games that don't exist. Grand Theft Auto VI is their favorite- I pointed out that they wouldn't be allowed to buy it even if it existed- but they just cycle through fake sequel titles until they get bored and leave. Today, while they were doing their thing, a Real Customer came in and was shopping around.

"THIS IS TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE," one of the teenage bros shouted.

"You're not customers," I said.

"WE ARE TOO CUSTOMERS!"

"Customers buy things."

"WELL, I WAS GOING TO BUY SOMETHING, BUT NOW I'M OFFENDED SO I WON'T."

As they were huffing about in fake offense, the Real Customer picked out a game and came up to the register. He spoke quietly so the bros wouldn't hear him.

"I'm a high school teacher," he said sympathetically. "I know what it's like to get harassed on the job."

Thanks, guy! It's always good to have a reminder that the public isn't all bad.

A thank you would be nice

The other day, I dropped by the store on my day off because I'd left some stuff there. On days where I don't have to go to school or work or hang out with anyone, I generally dress like a hobo. This particular day, I was going to the craft store, so I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, because when I'm shopping for craft supplies I need to be COMFORTABLE.

I walk in, and Lezzie Free-Shirt is on her own, because bossbro is on break. I arrive at the same time as a ridiculously over-the-top douchey family trying to do an out-of-policy system exchange. That's taking a while, so a crowd is gathering, and Lezzie Free-Shirt is getting visibly frustrated. My store is pretty small-scale, so you're able to do transactions without clocking in. I hopped onto the other register. It's a mom and a little kid.

"Hi," I said. "I'm obviously not working today, because I'm literally wearing sweatpants, but I can ring you out."

The kid just accosted me with Pokémon questions. He wanted to know why Pokémon X and Y didn't come out on the DS, and he wanted to look at all the Pokémon games we have, and then he wanted to complain about how expensive they are. During all this, the mom just stood there and did nothing.

LADY, I AM LITERALLY WEARING MY FUCKING PAJAMAS.

They finally bought Pokémon Platinum and left without thanking me.

Offering to help does not mean you're entitled to my help. 

BREAKING NEWS: People still stupid on Facebook

You know what we haven't had in a while?

FACEBOOK REJECTS!

I've got some good ones. Real good. And I'm putting them all in one post, because it's my blog and I can.

Today was a doozy

Deadbeat Dadurday is a doozy every week, and I was workin' the Big Daddy Shift (12-9:30), so I was not expecting it to be a great day at work. But wow. Wow.

I had multiple parents come up to me and complain that Pokémon is a huge scam that's ripping them off and ruining their lives. The first mom, I was like, "I think it's taking over her life, not yours."

"NO. NO. IT IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE."

Why, because your daughter sits quietly and plays Pokémon? Ok, player. God forbid these people ever find out about Skylanders, which is just like Pokémon except you have to buy all the monsters in real life instead of catching them in the game.

Not that I consider children's toys a "scam," mind you. Maybe don't have kids next time!

Speaking of Skylanders, I had a guy last week who bought Skylanders Swap Force in a really elaborate manner and then came back today to accuse me of stealing his pre-order deposit. Basically, he'd bought a new system since he pre-ordered the game, and he wanted the game for his new system, but hadn't changed his pre-order. The pre-order bonus for Swap Force was a bonus figurine that only rings up as the freebie price when rung out in the same transaction as a pre-order pickup. So in order to get him his bonus character, I had to have him pick up and pay for his pre-order normally, then do a second transaction to exchange the wrong version of the game for the right version. This kind of thing happens at my job a lot, so I knew what to do and explained what I did as I did it. Of course, Doofus lost the first receipt, and claimed he didn't get his deposit back, so I had to dig through the computer to find it and show it to him.

Do these people ever think to check their bank statements to see that they weren't charged the full amount? It's not my fault you didn't call and update your pre-order and I had to do register gymnastics to get you all the bonuses you're entitled to. Would you rather have not gotten your free character, sir?

Finally, we had the mayor of Team High Maintenance come in right at close to do some shopping for discounted PS3 games. We have about a million different sales running right now, none of which overlap, so he ended up spending forever in the store doing about four purchase-and-return transactions to try to get the best "deal,"  and whining about it if his $5 used PS3 games didn't look brand new.

The last exchange worked out that he owed me $0.02.

I made him pay it.

IN CONCLUSION: Fuck this shit. 

So, the new Pokémon came out

AND IT IS AMAZING. I've been catching some pokey-mans, fillin' up my Pokédex, when I came across this gem:

A screenshot of a Pokédex entry for a Fairy-type Pokémon named Snubbull. It kind of looks like an upright, fluffy pink bulldog. Its flavor text reads: "It has an active, playful nature. Many women like to frolic with it because of its affectionate ways."

GOOOO SNUBBULL!! GET YOU SOME!

Add this to the ongoing list of vaguely creepy Pokémon, along with Cubone, who wears its dead mother's skull as a hat, and Drifloon, who abducts children for funsies.

Don't worry about it.

"Lol thanks for head"

Today I reminded High Maintenance Roommate of something he had to do today. He texted me back:

"Lol thanks for head."

He obviously meant "heads up," but apparently he either wasn't aware or just forgot that "head" is a euphemism for oral sex.

WHO'S BEING AWKWARDLY SEXUAL IN THEIR NONNATIVE LANGUAGE NOW, ROOMMATES? HUH!?

Language barriers are the funniest thing.

WHY

WHY DO PEOPLE TURN IN JOB APPLICATIONS WITHOUT CAPITALIZING THEIR NAMES

HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN A THING OR IS IT RELATED TO THE RISE OF TEXTING

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW TO CAPITALIZE YOUR NAME

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

HELP ME

Texts from my friends

"I had a dream last night that I worked at [Store] with you and we smoked crack in the back room and then just went back to selling video games."
- Hugh Jackman

The correct term is "played Animal Crossing," not "smoked crack."

Trade secret.

Me & My Deaf Gay Roommates

Low Maintenance Roommate, after reading my posts that mentioned her, told me I should write about what it's like to be a hearing girl living with deaf roommates, with lots of humorous anecdotes. And I was all, "Sure thing, Low Maintenance Roommate!" Because if there's one thing I excel at, it's humorous anecdotes.

I speak a lot of different languages. I used to write notes on ladyboss's Animal Crossing town's message board in German, just to be a douche. I'm no stranger to learning new words or dealing with language barriers, and let's face it, there's much less of a language barrier between me and most deaf people in the US than, say, me and a random hearing person from Kazakhstan. And it's not like I hadn't spoken to any deaf people before either, since I, you know, live in a world where deaf people exist. So, I wasn't at all nervous about not being able to communicate with my new roommates.

But when they moved in, I didn't know any sign at all.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. I had a roommate back in the day who took a couple quarters of ASL at our community college, and she taught me how to say "I like your penis." The day my new roomies moved in, we got pizza and beer, and the three of us were sitting in the living room chatting via text. I told them about my extensive sign knowledge. They wanted to see it. I told High Maintenance Roommate that I liked his penis.

He said thank you.

For a few days there, while we were using our phones to talk about normal roommate stuff ("Help! The ceiling is caving in!"), I would try to make sign small talk by saying that I liked their stuff. I knew the words for "I like your," and then I would just point at whatever the thing was that I liked.

"I like your [car]."

"I like your [suitcase]."

"I like your [dog]."

The best moment of that phase of our cohabitation was when High Maintenance Roommate straightened his hair all fancy, and I tried to tell him I liked his hair and accidentally poked him in the forehead like a weirdo.

Once everyone was moved in and settled, we started hanging out more. A couple more verbs were added to my repertoire, and High Maintenance Roommate taught me the alphabet in exchange for cigarettes. Ladyboss knows quite a bit of ASL, so she helps me practice at work. I learn new words and whatnot on the interwebs, and from watching videos and TV shows with deaf actors (Switched at Birth, anyone?). I learned how to say "how do you say," so now I wander around the house like a really enthusiastic toddler, pointing at things and asking what they're called.

(I intentionally did not ask how to sign Call of Duty.) 

It's a work in progress.

For a while, since the only noun I knew was "penis," I tried to work it in to what I was saying as often as possible. One of the first new words I learned was "worm," for "penis worm"- because we were watching Tremors, obviously.

THE GRABOID. Don't lie. You see it, too.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of signs involve really complicated-to-the-uninitiated hand motions. Of the signs I've learned so far, one of the hardest ones for me to do is actually "roommate," because it involves locking all your fingers together in a funny position. Whenever I try to sign with deaf customers at my job, it always goes pretty well up until they ask where I learned, and I have to fumble my way through saying, "I have deaf roommates."

Both of my roommates are really good cooks, and High Maintenance in particular makes really good breakfast food, so I asked him how to say all the breakfast foods. I didn't get the sign for "egg," which involves kind of swooping your fingers apart, so he did a really elaborate pantomime of breaking an egg open to show where it came from. I relayed that particular story to my sister, who laughed at me and said:

"See, other people are able to cook things, so they wouldn't be confused by what you do when you're cooking with eggs."

High and Low Maintenance Roommate fight over how to say things a lot (High grew up going to deaf schools, and Low went to hearing schools with formal interpreters), and sometimes, there just straight-up isn't a word in ASL for whatever I'm trying to say. I asked how to say "unicorn," and neither of them knew, so I put my hand on my forehead, with my finger out in the #1 position, to simulate a horn. They were like, "Uh, no girl, that means horny." Later on, I was telling that exact story to some hearing friends, and I got a frantic text from Low Maintenance Roommate, who was sitting on the other side of the room:

"Dude! You're telling all those people you're horny right now!"

(A silly coincidence: I made almost the exact same mistake when I was first learning German, when I looked up a word for "excited" and accidentally ended up with the one that had Sexual Implications. Why is it always so easy to tell people you're horny!? Why!?)

The roommates and I still mostly chat via text, and mostly about things that have nothing to do with ASL, but I like learning the signs because it's faster and easier. I've picked up enough that I don't need to write for most of the basic stuff, because 1. I POP LANGUAGES LIKE VALIUMS and more importantly, 2. I'm lucky to have very kind and patient teacherfriends.

Though, really, the "Me & My Hearing Roommate Who Doesn't Sign Very Well" blog would probably be way more entertaining.

"DAY 34: ANY DAY NOW, SHE'LL BE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO GRAMMATICALLY COMBINE THE SIX SIGNS SHE KNOWS.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS."

I guess it made sense in cod-text

So, my store has this policy where employees can borrow used games if we have enough copies.

And as it turns out, my new roommate High Maintenance Roommate is obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops.

"I can't check that out! All my coworkers will make fun of me!" I complained.

And then I checked it out, and then all my coworkers made fun of me, and then this happened, in a conversation about game check-outs with my bro, Jean-Luc:

A text conversation. "I mean, it is cod. Checking that out looks fishy."

NO. GOD DAMMIT.

But seriously, we all literally call Black Ops "COD BLOPS." And then we tell those people that they should totally buy copies of Brink and The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct, because fuck Call of Duty.

I recently got myself some new roommates

Regina George moved out, because my apartment is a shithole fine piece of property. And two new roommates moved in! THEY ARE GREAT! Let's call them High Maintenance Roommate and Low Maintenance Roommate. They are both gay and deaf.

Because I now live in a house with a herd o' deaf people (deaf people travel in herds), I have started to learn how to SIGN! Like a champion! Unfortunately, my new roommates are the ones who introduced me to The Walking Dead, so a good chunk of my vocabulary is limited to what's relevant in a zombie apocalypse.

THINGS I DO NOT CURRENTLY KNOW HOW TO SIGN:

"Help! I am having a medical emergency. Please take me to a hospital."

 THINGS I CURRENTLY KNOW HOW TO SIGN:

"I want a zombie to eat Rick Grimes."

Our only hope is that the writers of The Walking Dead respond to American Sign Language in a way that they do not respond to common sense and the rules of narrative writing.

As an aside, when we started watching the show, one of the first words I asked how to sign was "awkward."

I use it so often now that that's who my birthday card was addressed to.

We're super qualified

Bossbro has a habit of not checking the schedule and coming in at the wrong time. So, it was no surprise that when I got in this morning, he was waiting for me, eating a breakfast sandwich in his car like a hobo.

"[BOSSBRO]!" I shouted.

"Hi, [Miss Blog Lady]," he said.

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS."

"I love this store so much."

"YOU ARE EATING A BREAKFAST SANDWICH IN YOUR CAR LIKE A HOBO."

"And I like the abuse."

"WHY."

"See you later, [Miss Blog Lady.]"

Then bossbro drove off, and I dragged my extremely sick self into the store in a shambling, crazed manner not unlike a zombie.

We're a hot mess.

So, Season 3 of The Walking Dead went up on Netflix today

First of all, the minute I turned the show on, my Valenbaby hopped up to the TV and started thwacking a zombie with her foot. Nice work, Val! Add my cat to the list of creatures who would be more interesting and effective protagonists than Douchebag Prime.

This post is about Lori's labor. Or "labor," as the case may be is here.

How childbirth works is not, or shouldn't be, a mystery to anyone over the age of 12. Women love The Walking Dead (Helloooo, Daryl Musclyarms Dixon!), and a good chunk of that audience group have had babies of their own. A good chunk of fathers watching the show were there for the birth of their children. And most of the rest is common sense. I mean, maybe with the slow, painful death of comprehensive sex ed in schools, "how childbirth works" isn't common knowledge, after all.

But if you're writing a damn script for a major TV series where a woman gives birth, you damn well better get the details right.

For one, extreme stress and running around and whatnot do not actually induce labor. I'm willing to give them a pass on that one, since they're trying (ahem) to make an exciting show, and having Lori go into labor right then causes Dramatic Tension. Ok, dudes.

Two, labor takes a long time. Whole days could pass between your first contraction and the actual birth. Yes, sometimes a woman realizes she's in labor and pops out a baby two seconds later, but those are exceptions that prove the rule. And given that Lori delivered Carl by C-section, it's unlikely that that would be typical for her. After one contraction, no woman would get down on the floor and assume a baby's about to come out.

Third, women who have C-sections can still deliver babies vaginally. Hospitals just usually recommend against it, because there's a slightly higher risk of complications, and they make more money off of an expensive surgical procedure. Not to minimize the actual risks and dangers of reality childbirth,  but women have obviously been poppin' out babies outside of hospitals for most of human history. The fact that Lori had had a C-section previously isn't a cause for panic until something in her current delivery actually goes wrong.

Fourth, a little bit of blood during childbirth is normal. That's all the placenta is, is a big ol' sack o' blood, and it's coming out with the baby. Maggie, presumably, has seen cattle or other farm critters give birth before, so she should expect the baby not to pop out clean. I understand that the sight of blood would cause someone to panic in that situation, but it's silly to infer from some bloody fingertips that Lori's hemorraghing or whatever, even though that's clearly what the writers want us to assume. Sigh.

Fifth- FIFTH!- Lori was trying to push even though she wasn't even dilated yet. Maggie says so. Girl, ain't no baby comin' out until that vaginal canal opens up! Common sense. No wonder it fucking hurts to push. The baby has nowhere to go. Stupid.

And last but not least, how long were they even in that closet? Maybe thirty minutes? An hour? The flow of time is difficult to judge on this show because everything is as slow as shit. Regardless, an hour of contractions where real labor hasn't even started yet isn't enough to judge whether you have to cut someone open and rip a baby out of their still-living body. Overkill, much? The right thing to do would be to calm Lori down, make her take some deep breaths, and have Maggie and Carl work together to fight their way back to the group. Sure, she could have died in childbirth later anyway, but "Welp, it's been an hour! Cut me open with my son's zombie-killin' knife!" is total nonsense. If they wanted to go that route, they should have created a situation where the group was separated for a day or longer.

The group should be furious with Maggie for killing Lori for no reason whatsoever, but... they're not.

In any case, what's done is done, and now the stage is set for Douchebag Prime to become newly obsessed with his wife, even though he treated her like garbage while she was alive. Wheeeeeee!!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this is how they handle the birth, given the fiasco that was the episode where Lori tries to give herself an abortion by overdosing on emergency contraception. Hugh Jackman's watching for the first time too, and he sent me a text while I was writing this that's just like, "And also she has to hold her belly when she's walking, because apparently babies can just fall out at any moment."

LADYPARTS: HOW DO THEY WORK?

Also: I'm glad that after two seasons of being called "T-Dog" and not getting any lines, T-Dog finally got to sacrifice himself to save a white lady. I'm sure it's what he always wanted. That, and a real name.

On parents who buy Grand Theft Auto for their tiny children

I hate Kotaku.

I hate everyone who reads Kotaku.

I hate it every time someone mentions to me something they read on Kotaku.

The Veteran is always texting me links to Kotaku articles he thinks I'll enjoy. (And, ok, I usually do enjoy them as long as there aren't any naked people, but I still hate Kotaku.) I mentioned this to Awesome Sauce, and he started sending me Kotaku links all the time, too.

So, what happens when there's some breaking video game news that I would be interested in?

The day it was announced that Tales of Xillia 2 was coming to the U.S., this is how my morning went:

First, I get a text from Awesome Sauce, saying "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S."

About five minutes later, The Veteran texts me a link to a Kotaku article about how Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.

I walk into work, and bossbro greets me with a "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.!"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GENTLEMEN, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

All of the above is to highlight the extreme reluctance with which I am posting a link to a Kotaku article that was recommended to me by AsS:

I Sold Too Many Copies of GTA V to Parents who Didn't Give a Damn.

The other day I mass-texted everyone I know:

"I'm really tired of explaining to parents that Grand Theft Auto is basically softcore porn."

"Just write those exact words on a sign," my friend Wolfie* wrote back.

But seriously.


The list of warnings on the back of GTA is ridiculously long. Blood! Gore! Extreme violence! Strong language! Nudity! Strong sexual content! Mature themes! Whenever I read through it for a parent who's in the store with a ten-year-old kid, they yawn and wave me through.

"You literally torture a guy. You waterboard a guy on screen."

"He's already seen all that stuff on TV." (What the hell is your kid watching!?)

"You own and manage a strip club."

"WHAT!?"

Extreme violence hasn't fazed a single person. But the minute you mention the boobies, everyone freaks out. And even then, they still want to buy the game, so we encourage them to flip through the strategy guide and see the screenshots.

And even then, literally only one person ever has opted not to buy the game at my store since the release.

Without fail, every time I start mentioning the extreme violence and sexytimes, all of these people ask:

"They can put that stuff in a game!?"

"It's not designed for kids," I say, every time. "The average gamer is in their 30s. And the people who played the original Grand Theft Auto are in their 40s now."

I think some people hear the word "game" and immediately assume "children's toy." People who ramble about games like Grand Theft Auto V ruining kids are missing the point that there are games that are not meant to be played by children. After all, it's impossible to get access to an R-rated movie or an M-rated game without parental consent.

If you buy something that says "Strong Sexual Content" on the packaging, you should also be prepared for your child to come up and you asking what "pimps" and "hos" are.

I understand that children are different, and what's appropriate for one child might not be for another. I played Grand Theft Auto III when I was ten, and I turned out ok. It was my 17-years-old-at-the-time-now-he's-old brother's game, and I would play it when he wasn't around. I would drive around in the cars and follow traffic laws. I was a well-read child, with two older siblings, and I wasn't unaware of the existence of sex workers, nor was I ever really taught to demean or dehumanize them, so I wasn't confused or bothered by what was going on.

Extreme torture, though? That would even bother me now. There were several parts in my first playthrough of Borderlands 2, which I loved, where I had to stop playing because it was too intense. (Maybe I'll write a post about that someday.) And that's sci-fi/fantasy, not true crime. And I'm almost 25 years old.

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been about pushing limits, both in game design and in storytelling, for years. It's supposed to be edgy and controversial. And even if you find the story trite and silly (ahem), you can't deny that GTA is a poster franchise for Games As A Grown-Up, Edgy Storytelling Medium.

Controversial entertainment isn't typically accessible or appropriate for kids.

For example, this one time, a dad and a little boy, no older than six or seven, came in looking for a game.

"He likes playing Grand Theft Auto at his uncle's house, but we don't want to buy it for him, so we're looking for something similar but not as... bad," said the dad. "He likes having a big open city to run around in."

"Ok," I said. "How about Batman: Arkham City? You have a pretty open area to explore, and it's Batman, so you still get to beat up bad guys."

"Does that sound interesting?" the dad asked the kid. And the kid immediately turned to me, and asked, with a perfectly serious face:

"Does Batman shoot cops?"

I was so taken aback by the question that I just squeaked out:

"Batman doesn't shoot anybody."

Kids who play games like Grand Theft Auto are, at best, the equivalent of a kid bragging about how he watched all the Saw movies and didn't get scared, and at worst, miniature sociopaths who like to shoot cops, with a lot of poorly delivered sex ed in between.

Please, people. Listen when some bitter, disillusioned register jockey is telling you that what you're purchasing might be a bit too much for your kid.

Because when you're furious that your 8-year-old suddenly knows the meanings and usage of a dozen different racial slurs and the term "Dirty Sanchez," well, you've got nothing to blame but your own hands-off parenting. 

*My only friend who had the decency to already have an internet alias before I started blogging. Seriously, my funny nickname muscle is tired. 

Today, I played Megaman X. Like, all of it.

Megaman X popped up on the Wii U's Virtual Console, and being that it is one of my FAVORITE GAMES OF ALL TIME ZOMG, I bought that shit hard. Remember when games were designed so that you could beat them in an afternoon without saving? Good times. There's nothing I love more than a platformer that has secret stuff to find in all the levels. A platformer where finishing the levels affects the environment in other levels, allowing you to go to new areas and find new stuff? SWOON.

Speaking of Megaman X, allow me to introduce you to my YouTube boyfriend, Mr. Smooth McGroove, doing an a capella version of Spark Mandrill's stage music:

The real question is, what sort of person does Spark Mandrill's stage without doing Chill Penguin and Storm Eagle first? What is this, the fuckin' amateur hour?

This is also a friendly neighborhood reminder for those of you who have money to pop over and Kickstart Keiji Inafune's new project, Mighty No. 9, which I personally will be playing the shit out of.

Whoops your James Bond

A lady called me today, wanting to check trade values for games.

"I have some 007 games."

"Ok, what are the titles?"

"I don't know."

Pause.

"There are about a half dozen different James Bond games, so I can't give you trade values unless you give me the names of the games. But if you bring them in to the store, we can give you an estimate."

"I'll go check what they are and call you back."

A couple hours passed. The phone rings.

"It's me again," she said. "Ok, the first game is Medal of Honor."

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"That's not a 007 game at all," I said. She didn't get it.

She did have James Bond Legends. The third game was Fable 3. Medal of Honor and Fable 3 are both super old and super cheap, so they were worth about 50 cents each.

"I might've gotten those titles wrong," she said. "I'll just bring them all in."

I'm really excited for the $7 cash trade. I bet she'll ask us to give her extra for gas, too.

Retail Wiiple support

The most common problems with the Wii are that the power cord gets fried, or the Wiimotes fall out of sync. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure my busted old Wii could survive nuclear armaggedon.

"The disc tray stopped working on my Wii."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO IT!?"

Regardless, we're constantly getting calls from people who can't figure out how to sync their Wii and Xbox controllers. 

Like today.

A woman calls me, wanting to return a Wii she bought six months ago because the Wiimote fell out of sync.

"You just need to re-sync your Wiimote," I said. "Do you know how to sync your Wiimote?"

"No."

I walk her through syncing her Wiimote. Basically, there's a red button on the remote, and a red button on the Wii, and you push them at the same time.

"Does the Wii have to be turned on?"

"Yes."

A long pause.

"IT'S NOT WORKING."

At that point, I gave up and gave her Nintendo's support line, because they hopefully have a tried-and-true phone script for dealing with these people. Otherwise, she's going to be really disappointed when she comes in looking for a refund and instead I sync her Wiimote for her.

The last woman who had this same issue ranted for twenty minutes about our defective products, watched me sync the controller in less than thirty seconds, shouted "WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK WHEN I DID IT," grabbed her Wii, and flounced out of the store.

Texts from my ex-coworkers

"Technically, it should be AsS, not ASS." - Awesome Sauce

No GTA for you!

A tiny kid- seriously, less than four feet tall- who I've never seen before just came up and asked if we could put Grand Theft Auto V in the demo system.

"No, because you're not allowed to play it," I said. "We need parental consent to even sell you that game."

He stuck his tongue out and flounced out of the store.

I'm devastated that we lost such a valued customer.

The Saga of Comrade Asshat

At my job, it's typical for old collector's editions to go on mega sale, because no one cares about them after the game's been out for a month. My store literally still has a sealed copy of the Killzone 3 Helghast Edition on the shelves.

I'm not making that up.

So, we recently had a price drop on the Injustice: Gods Among Us collector's edition, and as such, our website is completely sold out of them. Normal Guy came in one day to ask if there's another way to get it. 

Now, Normal Guy shops at our store all the time, so I decided to go out on a limb for him.

"I can ask [store on the other side of the state] to mail us one for you," I said.

"Great. Can I pay for it now?"

"No, because I don't know when it'll get here." Note that I did not take this man's money.

"So, can I pick it up this weekend?" It was Friday.

"No, but it might be here sometime next week."

I called the other store, and they said they would send it. I told Normal Guy that it was being shipped, and that I would call him when it arrived. 

Fast forward one week. It should be noted that this week is Grand Theft Auto week, so all our stores have been insanely busy. He called the store.

"HI, THIS IS [NORMAL GUY.] I ORDERED AN INJUSTICE COLLECTOR'S EDITION AND I WAS WONDERING IF IT'S EVER COMING."

"One sec, let me check on that." I put him on hold and call the store that was supposed to send it to us.

"Hi, did you send us that Injustice?"

"Uh, no, it's still here. I'll get that sent out for you."

So, the other store never sent it. I went back to the other line to give him an update, but he'd hung up on me. I looked up his rewards info and tried to call him, but the number attached to his rewards card was disconnected.

Fast forward one day, to today. First thing when the store opened, I got a call from our corporate office.

"Hi, I just got a call from a customer named [Normal Guy]," she began.

We're going to update his name to Comrade Asshat.

"Comrade Asshat ordered a copy of Injustice and hasn't received it yet," she said.

"Yeah. He hasn't bought anything, I just told him we'd try to get another store to send it to us, and I just got confirmation that the other store sent it. Whenever Comrade Asshat calls us, he hangs up, and the phone number we have for him is disconnected. We have no way to get in touch with him."

"...Oh." Corporate lady sounded like she felt bad for me. "This is the phone number he gave me. I'll... call him and tell him it's on the way."

I anticipate that Comrade Asshat, if the game gets here and if we can actually get ahold of him, will ask for an additional discount for his trouble.

I anticipate that we'll all laugh in his face.

I am not a guard dog

Whenever anyone tries to intentionally leave something here (their kids, unfinalized trades, their wallet, and so on), I always say the same thing:

"We're not responsible for anything that happens to [him/her/it/them] while you're gone."

Sometimes people get mad about it, but hey, it's true. I'm obviously not going to let someone hurt a child in front of me, but there's nothing I can do if I'm not watching, or the kid decides to leave the store. There's a reason you have to pay babysitters to watch your kids.

We get people leaving their stuff here all the time, without even telling us, too. We had someone once who plugged his PSP into the wall to charge it, left it there, and freaked out on us when it got stolen.

Unless one of us stole it, that's not our problem. You abandoned your property in a public space.

Why do people think they can leave shit in a store, anyway?

LITERALLY ANYONE CAN COME IN HERE AND TOUCH ANYTHING!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF STORES!

I'm sure this sounded more profound when you were super high last night

"Like food. I don't understand food. You're like a battery, and then you get to eat pizza or whatever and then it turns into sugar you get to live. You eat sugar and live. It's mind blowing." - Real thing a real person just said in my store.

She also didn't understand how Playstation Plus makes money, when it costs $50 per year.

Conversations with Ladyboss

Ladyboss is in the back room with me while I eat lunch.

"I DON'T WANNA SELL COPIES OF GRAND THEFT AUTO ANYMORE."

The door buzzes. She peeks out into the store.

"DAMMIT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE."

"Your world is cutthroat!"

Words typed to me by my BFF She-Ra, Princess of Power as she forwarded me a link to this story, about a guy in London who was stabbed and robbed right after buying Grand Theft Auto V. 

I personally prefer this one, about some dudes in NYC who impersonated police officers to cut the line. 

This kind of thing happens at every release for every Hot New Item (just think of the moms mauling each other for Tickle Me Elmos and Zhu Zhu pets!), and probably wouldn't be national newsworthy if the title of the game weren't a felony. Nintendo actively discouraged retailers from having midnight release parties for the Wii U for this very reason.

But yes, working in a video game store is preeeetty hardcore.

Introducing: Coworker Awesome Sauce

My basically unmentioned final coworker, who wants to be called "Awesome Sauce" (ASS for short), is the last of our part-time people. You may remember him from when he barfed in this post. Mr. Awesome Sauce is, naturally, our resident super high-maintenance cashier, who has more degrees than everyone else in the store combined. (Every store has one.) This is actually his last week, as he's decided to become a full-time dog walker instead. You know, because he'd rather literally handle shit than work at my store.

I don't really blame him.

Today, some weirdo came in with a busted Wii U and started ranting. This is not uncommon, so I missed the first part of it.

"-and I spent forever on the phone with Nintendo, and it's totally busted, and it was supposed to be new but it wasn't," he was saying. His girlfriend was with him, punctuating the story with complaints about some return policy I didn't recognize.

"Um, what?" I asked.
                                                     
"I got this on eBay and it's not new at all," he said. ASS stepped in.

"How much did you pay for it?"

"$265," said Weirdo.

"Wow," said ASS. "That's a great deal."

(No. No it is not.)

"It would be if it worked,"  said Weirdo.

(Doubtful.)

"So- why is it here?" I asked, pointing at the boxed Wii U in Weirdo's hands. I was genuinely concerned that he was going to try to get us to exchange it for him. Luckily, Weirdo wasn't quite that stupid.

"I want to trade it towards getting a new Zelda Wii U," he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa hold on," said ASS. "This was a huge rip-off when you bought it, but when we buy it it's totally fine?"

Weirdo looked right into ASS's eyes, with a perfectly blank face. And after a long moment, he said:

"Yes."

My shift was over and I was on my way out, so I missed the end of the saga of Weirdo's Busted eBay Wii U. Apparently, though, bossbro refused the trade because the cords had exposed wiring. Then Weirdo's Girlfriend complained that Pokémon was too expensive, and they went on their merry way.

And I totally got permission to call Mr. Awesome Sauce ASS on the internet, so, win-win.  

Today, I crushed a man's dreams

Some guy in his 20s was just in here looking for a job application. I told him we were going to be hiring seasonal employees soon.

"What's the pay like?" he asked.

"Minimum wage," I said. "You'd be making minimum wage."

"What's minimum wage now?"

"$7.85 per hour."

"Wow," he said disdainfully. "That's bad. That's really bad." As if I have any control over what the pay rate is here.

Sir, you are applying for a temp cashier job at a corporate retailer. It's not exactly an entry-level career position.

Minimum wage isn't there to encourage corporations to pay us more. It's there because said corporations would pay us even less if they were legally allowed to.

It's good he left before I could tell him that he'd only be working maybe six hours a week, or that he'd be better off looking for a job in a call center.

REALITY: IT'S HARSH

Oh for the love of

This guy, and people like him, make my life miserable on a regular basis:

"Good job letting us know the GTA V Limited Edition was pre-order only"

FOR FUCK'S SAKE. ALL LIMITED EDITIONS ARE PRE-ORDER ONLY.

What do these people think "limited" means? "There'll be copies for purchase all over the place"? BECAUSE THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT LIMITED MEANS.

We had people strolling into my store one or two days before the release demanding to reserve a collector's edition of Grand Theft Auto V. Um, even if there were any left- which there are not, because other people bought them all already- how would we get it to the store by launch day? You realize we're not printing and packaging games in the back, right? We're supposed to fork out for overnight shipping because your entitled ass didn't think to order a limited run item from any of a million retailers, at any point in the past year?

Sorry. Buy the stuff on eBay. I don't even care.

Happy Anniversbirthdayary!

One year ago today, I was united with the love of my life:

Borderlands 2.

I love you, Borderlands 2. If I had any money, I'd be buying the Game of the Year edition.

Well, since I have a computer

I can spend all my time playing INTERNET FLASH GAMES!

Like this one: The Organ Trail!

When you were playing Oregon Trail as a kid, were you ever like, man, I wish these were zombies instead of bears? And I wish this were a station wagon instead of a Conestoga wagon? And I wish I could kill my party members myself? But I still want people to die of dysentery?

WISH GRANTED!

A screenshot of Organ Trail.

You start in Washington D.C. and head west to California, where you hear there's a refuge for survivors. But when you get there- SPOILER ALERT- instead of rafting down the river, you get to fight through a horde of zombies to collect enough fuel to get the gate working. On the way, you fight through hordes of zombies to scavenge groceries and shopping carts. You also get to cross hordes of zombies instead of rivers. (Your options are "sneak through," and "fight a way through with all your guns out." The second one is more fun.)

I love the art, too. It takes a lot of skill to parody a different art style, especially one so simple and outdated, and they did a great job.

I did buy the "Director's Cut" for $4.99 on Steam, and while the extra content is neat (you can upgrade your car, and do zombie-killing sidequests for money), it's pretty clearly designed for mobile apps, not PC. I don't like the drag-and-release shooting. Gimme back my space bar! But on a mobile app, it's good.

I actually bought a ton of indie games on my Wii U somewhat-recently, and I've been meaning to write about them, but I haven't gotten a chance until today. So, introducing my new post tag: the indie gaming hour! It and the retro gaming hour are BFFs.

I've always been a firm believer that "more simple" does not mean "less fun." (I've spent more time playing Desktop Tower Defense than is probably healthy. What up, Desktop Tower Defense!) As much as people like to disparage "casual gamers," I, for one, welcome our new casual gaming overlords. And, who knows? A lot more of those people would be willing to branch out into "hardcore" gaming if said games weren't all based around what angry teenage boys want to play.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty.