Showing posts with label Amateur game reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amateur game reviews. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Well, since I have a computer

I can spend all my time playing INTERNET FLASH GAMES!

Like this one: The Organ Trail!

When you were playing Oregon Trail as a kid, were you ever like, man, I wish these were zombies instead of bears? And I wish this were a station wagon instead of a Conestoga wagon? And I wish I could kill my party members myself? But I still want people to die of dysentery?

WISH GRANTED!

A screenshot of Organ Trail.

You start in Washington D.C. and head west to California, where you hear there's a refuge for survivors. But when you get there- SPOILER ALERT- instead of rafting down the river, you get to fight through a horde of zombies to collect enough fuel to get the gate working. On the way, you fight through hordes of zombies to scavenge groceries and shopping carts. You also get to cross hordes of zombies instead of rivers. (Your options are "sneak through," and "fight a way through with all your guns out." The second one is more fun.)

I love the art, too. It takes a lot of skill to parody a different art style, especially one so simple and outdated, and they did a great job.

I did buy the "Director's Cut" for $4.99 on Steam, and while the extra content is neat (you can upgrade your car, and do zombie-killing sidequests for money), it's pretty clearly designed for mobile apps, not PC. I don't like the drag-and-release shooting. Gimme back my space bar! But on a mobile app, it's good.

I actually bought a ton of indie games on my Wii U somewhat-recently, and I've been meaning to write about them, but I haven't gotten a chance until today. So, introducing my new post tag: the indie gaming hour! It and the retro gaming hour are BFFs.

I've always been a firm believer that "more simple" does not mean "less fun." (I've spent more time playing Desktop Tower Defense than is probably healthy. What up, Desktop Tower Defense!) As much as people like to disparage "casual gamers," I, for one, welcome our new casual gaming overlords. And, who knows? A lot more of those people would be willing to branch out into "hardcore" gaming if said games weren't all based around what angry teenage boys want to play.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Friday, August 23, 2013

Tales of Xillia: A Retrospective

The entire plot is a thinly-veiled allegory for oil dependency.

AND NOW I AM GOING TO PLAY IT AGAIN

Friday, June 28, 2013

Xenoblade Chronicles: Part 1

So, someone sold my store a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. I bought it. After my layers of employee discounts, it still cost me $55. That is how hard it is to find a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. And now I have one! Thanks, guy!

I've been wanting to play this game for ages (I couldn't afford it when it came out, and I sure as hell can't afford what it sells for on eBay), but I specifically didn't read anything about it, so I thought it might be a fun exercise in Official Video Game Blogging to write my first impressions of the game, and see how they change as the game progresses.

Today I played the first few hours, through the intro and into the beginnings of the main quest. Here are my first thoughts, in a numbered list, because fuck coherent narratives.

 1. I don't understand why the main character is named She-Hulk.

And he looks like an even less manly version of Vaan from Final Fantasy XII:

A picture of "Shulk." From xenoblade.wikia.com

On the plus side, he has an enormous sword that's imbued with magical powers, so it kinda balances out.

2. LOOK AT THIS DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIE.

Dickson, aka A Dirty Fucking Hippie. From xenoblade.wikia.com

What is going on with this guy? Why is there a dirty hippie in my JRPG? I'm also happy (READ: not happy) to see that the practice of appropriating Native American imagery as a shorthand for "in touch with nature" somehow made it over to Japan.

This guy is She-Hulk's surrogate father figure, and also a dirty fucking hippie, so I'm placing bets on him either 1. being the evil mastermind behind the entire story, or 2. dying horribly to save She-Hulk's life, probably with some sort of betrayal subplot thrown in.

3. The game is way more sci-fi than I was expecting it to be. 

Which is silly, because it's a Japanese RPG, and it has "xeno" in the title. I've played this game before, is what I'm saying.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to make the connection between the war between the humans ("Homs") and machines ("Mechons"), and the fact that civilization exists on top of two sleeping gods called Bionis and Mechanis. Looks like there's a nature vs. technology theme here. Typical JRPG fare. We'll see how that goes.We can compare it to Final Fantasy VII, or any of the Tales games. If I also have to destroy organized religion, it's a JRPG double whammy.

4. There is a Big Bad who is a giant robot who can shift between a humanoid attack form, and a plane form. 



5. My girlfriend lady isn't really dead, I just haven't figured out how yet.

CORPSE OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

But no, seriously. We spent too much time with Fiora for her to just die and leave She-Hulk to run off on a stupid revenge quest. Plus, they've already managed to establish that you can equip her with sexy bikini tops and things, and no way could they be bothered to write a second love interest, so she's definitely coming back.

The role of women in video games is a dismal state of affairs. At least Fiora got a badass giant robot fight scene before she didn't get fridged.

6. The control scheme suffers from a lack of buttons.

The fighting system is cool, but it's not a good fit for the Wii remote. There's a lot of scrolling through options and holding down different buttons that could have been avoided by using a more complex controller. I wouldn't say it's totally unwieldy, though, unless you've been spoiled by auto-aim.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty bros.

7. Everything She-Hulk thinks he knows about his magical sword and/or the nature of the world in which he lives is wrong.

I mean, duh.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Style Savvy: Trendsetters

I have a confession to make.

I fucking love "girly" games.

Continue at your own peril.

I borrowed Style Savvy: Trendsetters from the store because I've never played anything in the series, and it's good to play the stuff people will be asking you about. Also, I fucking love that shit. I had more fun playing My Sims than I probably have ever had in my life ever. Sometimes, a girl just wants to help some fake people decorate some fake houses, you know?

Style Savvy is a pretty ordinary style of game, where you run a fashion boutique. People come in and they're like "OMG, I need a cute outfit for my date with a boy" and then you find them an outfit and then they pay you. Then when you run out of cute outfits for dates with boys, you get to go to the supplier and buy more. After you make a certain number of customers happy with your bitchin' stylings, you move on to the next "level" of the game, where everything is the same but you have more fashion options unlocked.

That's pretty much the structure of all fashion games, by the way.

This game is basically The Sims, if the game stopped right after you design your characters and build your house, and made you keep designing new characters. Which is pretty much all I did when I played The Sims as a kid anyway, since we didn't have no fancy "downtown" back then and you had to make enough background Sims for your good Sims to be friends with to advance in their super awesome careers.

"Oh, I'm totally qualified for this promotion, because I'm BFFs with the eight people who live on the empty plot of land next door."

"Great! Take our money!"

In Style Savvy, after you get hired on the spot while checking out a trendy boutique, it only takes a few days for the manager to split and leave you in charge. She gives you the privilege of renaming the store you now run. It took me a few tries to beat the profanity filter (my first choice was Ballsack), but eventually the filter and I settled on a name that could work for us:

"Congratulations! Your very own shop, Satan Taint, is now open!"

Yes, all the pictures in this post are photos I took of my 3DS screen. Don't worry about it. This isn't a professional operation.

Once I was put in charge of Satan Taint, I was also in charge of remodeling the store. The customers who come to your establishment are affected by the store's design. Here's a shot I took of Satan Taint's "princess" phase:

A picture of Satan Taint, decked out in pink frills. It's hot in there.


"But wait," you might be saying, if you've managed to make it this far into a post about the time I've spent playing Style Savvy: Trendsetters. "Princess? Really?"

There are a bunch of different "styles" used in the game. The familiar ones are basic attire, professional, 60s retro, boho chic, trendy, cute, punk, bold, and sporty. Some of these are kind of redundant- pretty much everything in "bold" and "punk" overlaps with each other. But we also get "pop," "Asian," "princess," and "gothic princess."

Because this game was made in Japan!

Apparently the lolita style is too confusing for an American audience, so it was renamed to "princess," even though the style is Victorian and has nothing to do with princesses. The pop style refers to the mishmash of bright colors and patterns we're all used to seeing on cute Asian pop stars. And even though your average American would consider all of the above "Asian style" if he or she stopped to think about it, the Asian style in the game are clothes with traditional features, like shirts with mandarin collars and jeans with crane or cherry blossom prints.

Style Savvy: Trendsetters taught me knowledge. Like the fact that boho chic has tragically infected Japan. Who knew? At least they don't- according to categories established by this game- have any fucking hipsters.

You can style guys, too, but all the man stylings look totally ridiculous. Check out this guy:

There is a man in this picture. A man with a creepy soul patch who is wearing a pink shirt under a blue and black checked puffy vest that has leather shoulder pad things for no reason, and also green dress pants. He just showed up in my store looking like that. This man and his clothes are the stuff of nightmares.

Every single dude in the game looks like that. Luckily, it's not one of those games where you have to pick up a boyfriend on the side, because barf.

The game, unsurprisingly, is pretty repetitive. Everyone looks and sounds the same. Dialogue is canned and repeated with dozens of different customers. A good chunk of the different styles are just the same cut in different colors. You can enter fashion contests, but I'm pretty sure you just win them by default. (But that might be because I'm about fifteen years too old to be playing this game.)

Corners were cut, as it were.

The problem with "girly" games (for lack of a better general term) is that, well, they're marketed towards girls, and no one gives a fuck. There's no objective reason why a game about running a fashion boutique has to be repetitive and poorly made. But since the game is marketed to a "casual" (read: female) audience, budgets are nonexistent and developers are pressured to put out a product as soon as possible. "Who cares if it's bad?" say the publishers, with their actions if not their words. "It's about running a fashion boutique. And people who are into that will buy it no matter how terrible it is, because there aren't any other options."

Speaking of customers, I was playing Style Savvy while my friend groomed my sister's dog. He used to work in the electronics department at Another Retailer.

"Oh my God," he said. "You're playing Style Savvy: Trendsetters!? What is wrong with you!?"

"I like picking out outfits and running a fake store," I said. "Besides, these customers appreciate my input."

"What you just said is probably evidence that you have some sort of condition," he said.

This entire blog is evidence that I have some sort of condition.

Retailitis.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Fire Emblem: Awakening

Anyone who spends time with me regularly and/or observes my gaming habits will know that I have been playing the crap out of Fire Emblem: Awakening. I'm not a big tactics RPG girl (mostly because I am terrible at them), but I did rent the game while it was impossible to find and play a few hours so I could check out the hype. And then, months later, while I was sick, I bought it for myself so I could play the whole thing, mostly because there was a trade deal, and Luigi's Mansion was sold out.

Let me tell you.

Fire Emblem: Awakening has destroyed my life.

The story is pretty good. If you're just playing straight through (and you're in wuss mode so you don't have to worry about your characters dying permanently), it takes about 15-20 hours to get to the end. Like with most JRPGs, though, they packed in a bunch of bonus characters and extra stuff to find and unlock.

Ok, gonna be honest, mostly writing this post because it has spoilers, and I figured out how to do page breaks. Check this out:

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Injustice: Gods Among Us

So, I got to try out Injustice, because it's in our demo unit and bossbro and I snuck over and played it while there weren't customers in the store. And let me tell you.

It is so good, you guys.


[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The cover art for Injustice. And I picked the Wii U version, because fuck you, that's why.]

Neither bossbro nor I are particularly adept fighting game players (I'm just gonna assume Super Smash Bros. doesn't count), nor are we particularly hardcore comic book nerds. I mean, when I went to pick my character, I was all, "Who the hell is Killer Frost?" 

The first match we played was Hawkgirl vs. Green Arrow. I chose Hawkgirl, because I have taste.

"You're Green Arrow? Way to choose the guy who's already dead on the cover of the game." No, seriously. Look at the cover of the game. Though if I ended up in between Superman and Batman while they were locked in a fight to the death, I'd probably be dead, too.

"Why can't I shoot arrows?" bossbro complained. "Isn't that literally all he does?" Eventually he figured it out, but he could only manage to do it while crouching, so all the arrows stuck in Hawkgirl's knee. We shared a hearty nerd laugh.

"I keep jumping by accident," I said.

"Stop using the joystick. Use the d-pad."

"Oh my God, Hawkgirl can fly! This is awesome!" I flew up in a corner, just to sort of hang out, like I do. Then I chucked my mace at Green Arrow's head.

I won that match.

The second match we played, I picked Superman and he picked Nightwing.

"Shouldn't Superman just win everything by default?" I asked. "Nightwing doesn't even have any powers. Hey, how do I use my eye beams?"

*zap*

"Ha!"

*zap*

"Yesss!"

*zap*

Then Nightwing pulled out some weirdo acrobat bullshit, and Superman dropped a fucking car on him.

So I won that one, too. 

All I want right now is to get super fucking drunk and watch a bunch of people who don't know what the hell they're doing try to play Injustice. I think Injustice is my new Soul Calibur, y'all. I mean, don't lie. You've all gone to a party to watch a bunch of drunk amateurs beat each other up in Soul Calibur, and it was totally hilarious. Now, image that instead of a bunch of wackos with weapons that make no sense, it's Batman grapple-gunning Aquaman in his douche face.

Amazing.

That's not to say there's nothing I don't like about it, though.


[Harley Quinn's new, uh, design. No comment.]