Xenoblade Chronicles: Part 1

So, someone sold my store a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. I bought it. After my layers of employee discounts, it still cost me $55. That is how hard it is to find a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. And now I have one! Thanks, guy!

I've been wanting to play this game for ages (I couldn't afford it when it came out, and I sure as hell can't afford what it sells for on eBay), but I specifically didn't read anything about it, so I thought it might be a fun exercise in Official Video Game Blogging to write my first impressions of the game, and see how they change as the game progresses.

Today I played the first few hours, through the intro and into the beginnings of the main quest. Here are my first thoughts, in a numbered list, because fuck coherent narratives.

 1. I don't understand why the main character is named She-Hulk.

And he looks like an even less manly version of Vaan from Final Fantasy XII:

A picture of "Shulk." From xenoblade.wikia.com

On the plus side, he has an enormous sword that's imbued with magical powers, so it kinda balances out.

2. LOOK AT THIS DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIE.

Dickson, aka A Dirty Fucking Hippie. From xenoblade.wikia.com

What is going on with this guy? Why is there a dirty hippie in my JRPG? I'm also happy (READ: not happy) to see that the practice of appropriating Native American imagery as a shorthand for "in touch with nature" somehow made it over to Japan.

This guy is She-Hulk's surrogate father figure, and also a dirty fucking hippie, so I'm placing bets on him either 1. being the evil mastermind behind the entire story, or 2. dying horribly to save She-Hulk's life, probably with some sort of betrayal subplot thrown in.

3. The game is way more sci-fi than I was expecting it to be. 

Which is silly, because it's a Japanese RPG, and it has "xeno" in the title. I've played this game before, is what I'm saying.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to make the connection between the war between the humans ("Homs") and machines ("Mechons"), and the fact that civilization exists on top of two sleeping gods called Bionis and Mechanis. Looks like there's a nature vs. technology theme here. Typical JRPG fare. We'll see how that goes.We can compare it to Final Fantasy VII, or any of the Tales games. If I also have to destroy organized religion, it's a JRPG double whammy.

4. There is a Big Bad who is a giant robot who can shift between a humanoid attack form, and a plane form. 

5. My girlfriend lady isn't really dead, I just haven't figured out how yet.

CORPSE OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

But no, seriously. We spent too much time with Fiora for her to just die and leave She-Hulk to run off on a stupid revenge quest. Plus, they've already managed to establish that you can equip her with sexy bikini tops and things, and no way could they be bothered to write a second love interest, so she's definitely coming back.

The role of women in video games is a dismal state of affairs. At least Fiora got a badass giant robot fight scene before she didn't get fridged.

6. The control scheme suffers from a lack of buttons.

The fighting system is cool, but it's not a good fit for the Wii remote. There's a lot of scrolling through options and holding down different buttons that could have been avoided by using a more complex controller. I wouldn't say it's totally unwieldy, though, unless you've been spoiled by auto-aim.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty bros.

7. Everything She-Hulk thinks he knows about his magical sword and/or the nature of the world in which he lives is wrong.

I mean, duh.