I just got home, and I have to write it all down so I don't forget, because shit was cray.
This release was pretty big, but since it's winter (TECHNICALLY SPRING NOW, I KNOW Y'ALL), they didn't give us the hours for full coverage. So it was only me and the assistant manager, who will henceforth referred to as "bossbro."
I have texted the word "bossbro" so many times that it's now in my auto correct.
The regulars, who I affectionately (?) call my "repeat offenders," showed up first. One of them brought a Nietzsche book to read while he waited. I didn't pay attention to which one. He was really pleased that I both knew who Nietzsche was and how to pronounce his name. Then the conversation sort of veered off into him telling me about how he beats up anyone who mistreats his little sister. Bossbro was all, "yeah, I spent a night in jail once for beating up some guy who mistreated my little sister."
Apparently, this is fairly common, and I should be grateful that my own big brother has never beaten up any of my boyfriends. Cool.
At some point, everyone started talking about furries, and a teenage girl started explaining to a group what "yiffing" is. I mean, really? At the Bioshock Infinite midnight release?
"Stop talking about yiffing!" I said. "Um, sorry if any of you are furries and I offended you. I guess."
An older gentleman in the back raised his hand.
"I'm not sorry," said bossbro.
One of the repeat offenders made a joke about bossbro's wang. I don't remember what it was. The joke was so unfunny and clumsily delivered that bossbro didn't even get it.
"It's a penis joke," I explained. "He's talking about your penis." Penis Guy went on to talk about how when he was in high school, he would spend his time fixing up motorcycles with his friends.
"Ok, we can definitely get a dick joke out of that," I said.
"Better work those exhaust pipes," said bossbro. Nietzsche guy comes back.
"Sounds like some Transformers slash fiction over here," he said.
Really? Transformers slash fiction? At the Bioshock Infinite midnight release?
There's only one place where it's appropriate to talk about Transformers slash fiction: with other people who read Transformers slash fiction. Otherwise, you bury that shit. You bury it good.
You know, I'm not new to this gaming retail game, and I have worked a ton of midnight events. Being hit on and otherwise heckled by drunk midnight release people is something I can handle. Having the whole store discussing the mechanics of furry and/or robot intercourse? Now, that is a new low.
Around then, one of our part-time people texted me to say he was barfing and might not be able to make his shift the next day.
I told him he was probably experiencing sympathy nausea.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
This is what I did at work today
Happy Gears of War: Judgment Day!
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A picture of a dry-erase board with a list of games that are available for preorder. Underneath the list, I drew a picture of Carmine getting shot in the head, and a coked-out Marcus Phoenix demanding to know who wants toast. It's pretty great.]
Monday, March 18, 2013
Hooked on phonics
99% of working a retail job is deciphering the nonsense that people ask you for. "I need that game that just came out," is a common question right before Christmas when every game has just come out. "There's one Assassin's Creed I don't have but I don't know which one it is or what it's called." "My kid wants this horse game? I'll know it when I see it, so just pull out every single game with a horse on it." And, of course, my personal favorite: "I'm looking for a game. I think there's a guy with a gun on the cover."
Now, of course, some video game names are total gibberish. (I'm looking at you, Ar Tonelico Qoga: Knell of Ar Ciel!) But most of them aren't. Here are some examples that I hear so often that I'm beginning to wonder if it's some kind of very specific deficiency in the American school system.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Sky rim? Rim of the sky? Takes place in a mountain range? Anyone? Bueller? This game is super popular and mainstream and people should stop calling the store and asking for "Scrim." I've even heard it from people who have played the game! Skyrim is the name of the country where the game action happens, so characters in the game name-drop that shit in dialogue all the time! Were you playing with the sound off for all 200 million gajillion hours?
Incidentally, when the game first came out, my big brother assumed from the ads that not only was the game titled "Scrim," but that "Scrim" was also the name of the evil dragon. LOL THE DRAGON'S NAME IS ALDUIN OMG BROTHERS ARE DUMB
L.A. Noire
The name is a pun. "La noire" is French for darkness. The game takes place in 1940s Los Angeles, and is done in the style of film noir. Get it? Get it? Aren't they clever?
My three favorites among the many butcherings of this title I have heard are "luh-nore-ee," "lah-no-eyre," and "I don't know how to say it, but I want it!" while pointing at the poster.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Deus Ex is an old-ass franchise, but the console crowd was unprepared for it when the above title was released as the first installment in the series on 360 and PS3. Pretty much everyone calls it "deuce ex," but there was one lady who freaked out when my boss mentioned it and shouted, "DID YOU JUST SAY DAY OF SEX!?"
Grand Theft Auto IV
Every asshole in the world comes into my store and asks for "grand theft auto ivy" just to piss me off. But then this conversation happened between me and a little kid.
"When does Grand Theft Auto V come out?" He asked for "grand theft auto five," like a functional person. I told him when Grand Theft Auto V comes out.
"Ok," he said. "Do you have Grand Theft Auto Ivy?"
"How is it that you can read the roman numeral for five but not four?" I asked. His mom laughed.
"I dunno, I just call it Grand Theft Auto Ivy."
"Then why not call the other one Grand Theft Auto Vee?"
"Because that's stupid."
He probably wasn't alive for Grand Theft Auto Ay-Ay-Ay.
NBA 2K-wev
This isn't so much a mispronunciation as an unfortunate quirk of people who play NBA games that I've been forced to get used to. Anyone who comes in to buy the NBA game just asks for 2K. As in: "I need the new 2K!"
Now, 2K Sports doesn't just release a basketball game every year. They also do baseball and hockey, and they follow the same naming scheme (NHL 2K13, MLB 2K13, and so on back until the dawn of time. Or at least, since Y2K.) So even though we know they're talking about basketball, our go-to Corny Retail Humor is to offer up NHL 2K9 instead.
Lollipop Chainsaw
No one has ever mispronounced "Lollipop Chainsaw." I had to put it on the list, however, because when it first came out, one of our regulars called the store and asked me the following question:
"Is it true there's a game out called Lollipop Chainbang!?"
Now, of course, some video game names are total gibberish. (I'm looking at you, Ar Tonelico Qoga: Knell of Ar Ciel!) But most of them aren't. Here are some examples that I hear so often that I'm beginning to wonder if it's some kind of very specific deficiency in the American school system.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Sky rim? Rim of the sky? Takes place in a mountain range? Anyone? Bueller? This game is super popular and mainstream and people should stop calling the store and asking for "Scrim." I've even heard it from people who have played the game! Skyrim is the name of the country where the game action happens, so characters in the game name-drop that shit in dialogue all the time! Were you playing with the sound off for all 200 million gajillion hours?
Incidentally, when the game first came out, my big brother assumed from the ads that not only was the game titled "Scrim," but that "Scrim" was also the name of the evil dragon. LOL THE DRAGON'S NAME IS ALDUIN OMG BROTHERS ARE DUMB
L.A. Noire
The name is a pun. "La noire" is French for darkness. The game takes place in 1940s Los Angeles, and is done in the style of film noir. Get it? Get it? Aren't they clever?
My three favorites among the many butcherings of this title I have heard are "luh-nore-ee," "lah-no-eyre," and "I don't know how to say it, but I want it!" while pointing at the poster.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Deus Ex is an old-ass franchise, but the console crowd was unprepared for it when the above title was released as the first installment in the series on 360 and PS3. Pretty much everyone calls it "deuce ex," but there was one lady who freaked out when my boss mentioned it and shouted, "DID YOU JUST SAY DAY OF SEX!?"
Grand Theft Auto IV
Every asshole in the world comes into my store and asks for "grand theft auto ivy" just to piss me off. But then this conversation happened between me and a little kid.
"When does Grand Theft Auto V come out?" He asked for "grand theft auto five," like a functional person. I told him when Grand Theft Auto V comes out.
"Ok," he said. "Do you have Grand Theft Auto Ivy?"
"How is it that you can read the roman numeral for five but not four?" I asked. His mom laughed.
"I dunno, I just call it Grand Theft Auto Ivy."
"Then why not call the other one Grand Theft Auto Vee?"
"Because that's stupid."
He probably wasn't alive for Grand Theft Auto Ay-Ay-Ay.
NBA 2K-wev
This isn't so much a mispronunciation as an unfortunate quirk of people who play NBA games that I've been forced to get used to. Anyone who comes in to buy the NBA game just asks for 2K. As in: "I need the new 2K!"
Now, 2K Sports doesn't just release a basketball game every year. They also do baseball and hockey, and they follow the same naming scheme (NHL 2K13, MLB 2K13, and so on back until the dawn of time. Or at least, since Y2K.) So even though we know they're talking about basketball, our go-to Corny Retail Humor is to offer up NHL 2K9 instead.
Lollipop Chainsaw
No one has ever mispronounced "Lollipop Chainsaw." I had to put it on the list, however, because when it first came out, one of our regulars called the store and asked me the following question:
"Is it true there's a game out called Lollipop Chainbang!?"
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Journaling is good for the soul
"I wanted to text you about all the wacko people who were in here this morning," my boss said, "but there were too many of them so I just started keeping a journal." Here you go, people. This right here is some official video game store business:
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A photo of a piece of notebook paper with some handwritten bullet points written on it.
- I need a guide book for Lego Lord of the Rings. That game is hard! I can't figure it out!
- Are the graphics on this game good? (holding Call of Duty 3 on Wii)
- Can I return this? (purchased on 12/13/12)
- This is the shit! (holding Cabela's Dang[erous] Hunts) (purchased Leisure Suit Larry)
- Do you have the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone? "I have this High Velocity Bowling and it says I need one" ]
For the curious among the readership, here is a picture of "the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone," aka the Playstation Move controller:
Yyyyyyep. Weekends.
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A photo of a piece of notebook paper with some handwritten bullet points written on it.
- I need a guide book for Lego Lord of the Rings. That game is hard! I can't figure it out!
- Are the graphics on this game good? (holding Call of Duty 3 on Wii)
- Can I return this? (purchased on 12/13/12)
- This is the shit! (holding Cabela's Dang[erous] Hunts) (purchased Leisure Suit Larry)
- Do you have the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone? "I have this High Velocity Bowling and it says I need one" ]
For the curious among the readership, here is a picture of "the PS3 controller that looks like an ice cream cone," aka the Playstation Move controller:
Yyyyyyep. Weekends.
Friday, March 15, 2013
My friend just got an adorable puppy
This puppy is the cutest puppy in the whole world. I decided that from now on, I'm going to substitute the adorable puppy for obnoxious customers. For example:
Yesterday, a man came into the store to return the new Tomb Raider game, because he said it was impossible to play because of the female protagonist. And then I
Yesterday, a man came into the store to return the new Tomb Raider game, because he said it was impossible to play because of the female protagonist. And then I
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: The cutest puppy in the whole world. His name is Teddy Graham.]
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Speaking of public intoxication
Today, we had to kick a man out because he had not one but two open alcoholic beverages in his hands. Double fisting in the video game store at 4:15 P.M.? Way to go, dude.
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