Hooked on phonics

99% of working a retail job is deciphering the nonsense that people ask you for. "I need that game that just came out," is a common question right before Christmas when every game has just come out. "There's one Assassin's Creed I don't have but I don't know which one it is or what it's called." "My kid wants this horse game? I'll know it when I see it, so just pull out every single game with a horse on it." And, of course, my personal favorite: "I'm looking for a game. I think there's a guy with a gun on the cover."

Now, of course, some video game names are total gibberish. (I'm looking at you, Ar Tonelico Qoga: Knell of Ar Ciel!) But most of them aren't. Here are some examples that I hear so often that I'm beginning to wonder if it's some kind of very specific deficiency in the American school system.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Sky rim? Rim of the sky? Takes place in a mountain range? Anyone? Bueller? This game is super popular and mainstream and people should stop calling the store and asking for "Scrim." I've even heard it from people who have played the game! Skyrim is the name of the country where the game action happens, so characters in the game name-drop that shit in dialogue all the time! Were you playing with the sound off for all 200 million gajillion hours?

Incidentally, when the game first came out, my big brother assumed from the ads that not only was the game titled "Scrim," but that "Scrim" was also the name of the evil dragon. LOL THE DRAGON'S NAME IS ALDUIN OMG BROTHERS ARE DUMB

L.A. Noire

The name is a pun. "La noire" is French for darkness. The game takes place in 1940s Los Angeles, and is done in the style of film noir. Get it? Get it? Aren't they clever?

My three favorites among the many butcherings of this title I have heard are "luh-nore-ee," "lah-no-eyre," and "I don't know how to say it, but I want it!" while pointing at the poster. 

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

 Deus Ex is an old-ass franchise, but the console crowd was unprepared for it when the above title was released as the first installment in the series on 360 and PS3. Pretty much everyone calls it "deuce ex," but there was one lady who freaked out when my boss mentioned it and shouted, "DID YOU JUST SAY DAY OF SEX!?" 

Grand Theft Auto IV

Every asshole in the world comes into my store and asks for "grand theft auto ivy" just to piss me off. But then this conversation happened between me and a little kid.

"When does Grand Theft Auto V come out?" He asked for "grand theft auto five," like a functional person. I told him when Grand Theft Auto V comes out.

"Ok," he said. "Do you have Grand Theft Auto Ivy?"

"How is it that you can read the roman numeral for five but not four?" I asked. His mom laughed.

"I dunno, I just call it Grand Theft Auto Ivy."

"Then why not call the other one Grand Theft Auto Vee?"

"Because that's stupid."

He probably wasn't alive for Grand Theft Auto Ay-Ay-Ay.

 NBA 2K-wev

This isn't so much a mispronunciation as an unfortunate quirk of people who play NBA games that I've been forced to get used to. Anyone who comes in to buy the NBA game just asks for 2K. As in: "I need the new 2K!"

Now, 2K Sports doesn't just release a basketball game every year. They also do baseball and hockey, and they follow the same naming scheme (NHL 2K13, MLB 2K13, and so on back until the dawn of time. Or at least, since Y2K.) So even though we know they're talking about basketball, our go-to Corny Retail Humor is to offer up NHL 2K9 instead. 

Lollipop Chainsaw

No one has ever mispronounced "Lollipop Chainsaw." I had to put it on the list, however, because when it first came out, one of our regulars called the store and asked me the following question:

"Is it true there's a game out called Lollipop Chainbang!?"