LOL FOREVER

This is an interview from last year about MiiVerse's sophisticated penis-drawing-blocking software:

MiiVerse Penis Drawing Detection Took Weeks to Develop

Why did I not know about this until now!? THIS IS HILARIOUS! I love how confused they are about why Americans draw penises so much.

"It's only the Americans! Why do they keep drawing penises!? Why won't anyone draw a vagina!?"

I talked to a mean phone lady, and it was just like every other day

The other day, a nice grandma was in the store buying birthday presents for her grandsons. One of the things on their list was "an Xbox 360 hard drive," which as we all know from my helpful guide, is different depending on which model 360 they have. Typically, extended family who's buying gifts are pretty understanding about my needing more information to sell them the right product. She calls her daughter to ask what Xbox they have. She clearly wasn't getting anywhere, so I asked if I could talk to the mom directly.

"Do you know what model Xbox 360 you have?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" Charming. I went in to my list of questions.

"What color is it?"

"UH. BLACK."

"Does it have a built-in wireless internet connection?"

"WHAT?"

"Can it connect to the internet without using cords."

"WELL, I ASSUME SO, SINCE THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING ONLINE," she said nastily.

"Ok. That means you have the slim model, and it requires an internal hard drive." At this point, I'm talking to the mean phone lady and the grandma in the store. "The internal hard drives are $129.99. If you're looking for a less expensive option, you can also use USB flash drives."

"THAT'S UP TO HER," phone lady snarled. I handed the phone back. The grandma talked to her daughter for a little while about the options, and decided to go with the expensive hard drive. She was happy that she bought the right thing, thanked me, and left.

I hope for her kind and patient self that her grandsons are less snotty than her daughter is.

IT'S PRACTICALLY HERE

We just finished hiring all the seasonal people.

Christmas is coming.

I love Christmas, but people get a wee bit irrational the closer we get. And this is the first console launch I've worked, and I've been told that once we're sold out, grandmas will be crying at me all the time. Cool! My grandma would never cry in a store for a video game. If I asked her to wait around in stores to buy me one, she'd be like, "Um, no. You already have too many toys. Go play with your hoop and stick," or something, because my grandma is hardcore.

Anyway.

Last year on Black Friday, we were doing a sale on used games. Sometime in the morning, an elderly woman wandered in because she'd heard about the sale. Ladyboss asked if she could help her find anything.

"THESE ARE ON SALE, RIGHT?" She held up some brand new merch.

"Actually, the sale is only on used items," ladyboss explained. The woman shouted:

"I DON'T WANT ANYTHING USED!" and threw all her stuff on the floor. As she was flouncing out of the store, she turned, looked at ladyboss, and growled: 

"You better shape up."

Ladyboss waved and said:

"Have a nice day! Merry Christmas!"

Solidarity, bro

We've recently acquired a gaggle of teenage boys from a nearby high school who come in and heckle the employees by asking a lot of questions about games that don't exist. Grand Theft Auto VI is their favorite- I pointed out that they wouldn't be allowed to buy it even if it existed- but they just cycle through fake sequel titles until they get bored and leave. Today, while they were doing their thing, a Real Customer came in and was shopping around.

"THIS IS TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE," one of the teenage bros shouted.

"You're not customers," I said.

"WE ARE TOO CUSTOMERS!"

"Customers buy things."

"WELL, I WAS GOING TO BUY SOMETHING, BUT NOW I'M OFFENDED SO I WON'T."

As they were huffing about in fake offense, the Real Customer picked out a game and came up to the register. He spoke quietly so the bros wouldn't hear him.

"I'm a high school teacher," he said sympathetically. "I know what it's like to get harassed on the job."

Thanks, guy! It's always good to have a reminder that the public isn't all bad.

A thank you would be nice

The other day, I dropped by the store on my day off because I'd left some stuff there. On days where I don't have to go to school or work or hang out with anyone, I generally dress like a hobo. This particular day, I was going to the craft store, so I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, because when I'm shopping for craft supplies I need to be COMFORTABLE.

I walk in, and Lezzie Free-Shirt is on her own, because bossbro is on break. I arrive at the same time as a ridiculously over-the-top douchey family trying to do an out-of-policy system exchange. That's taking a while, so a crowd is gathering, and Lezzie Free-Shirt is getting visibly frustrated. My store is pretty small-scale, so you're able to do transactions without clocking in. I hopped onto the other register. It's a mom and a little kid.

"Hi," I said. "I'm obviously not working today, because I'm literally wearing sweatpants, but I can ring you out."

The kid just accosted me with Pokémon questions. He wanted to know why Pokémon X and Y didn't come out on the DS, and he wanted to look at all the Pokémon games we have, and then he wanted to complain about how expensive they are. During all this, the mom just stood there and did nothing.

LADY, I AM LITERALLY WEARING MY FUCKING PAJAMAS.

They finally bought Pokémon Platinum and left without thanking me.

Offering to help does not mean you're entitled to my help. 

BREAKING NEWS: People still stupid on Facebook

You know what we haven't had in a while?

FACEBOOK REJECTS!

I've got some good ones. Real good. And I'm putting them all in one post, because it's my blog and I can.

Today was a doozy

Deadbeat Dadurday is a doozy every week, and I was workin' the Big Daddy Shift (12-9:30), so I was not expecting it to be a great day at work. But wow. Wow.

I had multiple parents come up to me and complain that Pokémon is a huge scam that's ripping them off and ruining their lives. The first mom, I was like, "I think it's taking over her life, not yours."

"NO. NO. IT IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE."

Why, because your daughter sits quietly and plays Pokémon? Ok, player. God forbid these people ever find out about Skylanders, which is just like Pokémon except you have to buy all the monsters in real life instead of catching them in the game.

Not that I consider children's toys a "scam," mind you. Maybe don't have kids next time!

Speaking of Skylanders, I had a guy last week who bought Skylanders Swap Force in a really elaborate manner and then came back today to accuse me of stealing his pre-order deposit. Basically, he'd bought a new system since he pre-ordered the game, and he wanted the game for his new system, but hadn't changed his pre-order. The pre-order bonus for Swap Force was a bonus figurine that only rings up as the freebie price when rung out in the same transaction as a pre-order pickup. So in order to get him his bonus character, I had to have him pick up and pay for his pre-order normally, then do a second transaction to exchange the wrong version of the game for the right version. This kind of thing happens at my job a lot, so I knew what to do and explained what I did as I did it. Of course, Doofus lost the first receipt, and claimed he didn't get his deposit back, so I had to dig through the computer to find it and show it to him.

Do these people ever think to check their bank statements to see that they weren't charged the full amount? It's not my fault you didn't call and update your pre-order and I had to do register gymnastics to get you all the bonuses you're entitled to. Would you rather have not gotten your free character, sir?

Finally, we had the mayor of Team High Maintenance come in right at close to do some shopping for discounted PS3 games. We have about a million different sales running right now, none of which overlap, so he ended up spending forever in the store doing about four purchase-and-return transactions to try to get the best "deal,"  and whining about it if his $5 used PS3 games didn't look brand new.

The last exchange worked out that he owed me $0.02.

I made him pay it.

IN CONCLUSION: Fuck this shit. 

So, the new Pokémon came out

AND IT IS AMAZING. I've been catching some pokey-mans, fillin' up my Pokédex, when I came across this gem:

A screenshot of a Pokédex entry for a Fairy-type Pokémon named Snubbull. It kind of looks like an upright, fluffy pink bulldog. Its flavor text reads: "It has an active, playful nature. Many women like to frolic with it because of its affectionate ways."

GOOOO SNUBBULL!! GET YOU SOME!

Add this to the ongoing list of vaguely creepy Pokémon, along with Cubone, who wears its dead mother's skull as a hat, and Drifloon, who abducts children for funsies.

Don't worry about it.

"Lol thanks for head"

Today I reminded High Maintenance Roommate of something he had to do today. He texted me back:

"Lol thanks for head."

He obviously meant "heads up," but apparently he either wasn't aware or just forgot that "head" is a euphemism for oral sex.

WHO'S BEING AWKWARDLY SEXUAL IN THEIR NONNATIVE LANGUAGE NOW, ROOMMATES? HUH!?

Language barriers are the funniest thing.

WHY

WHY DO PEOPLE TURN IN JOB APPLICATIONS WITHOUT CAPITALIZING THEIR NAMES

HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN A THING OR IS IT RELATED TO THE RISE OF TEXTING

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW TO CAPITALIZE YOUR NAME

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

HELP ME

Texts from my friends

"I had a dream last night that I worked at [Store] with you and we smoked crack in the back room and then just went back to selling video games."
- Hugh Jackman

The correct term is "played Animal Crossing," not "smoked crack."

Trade secret.

Me & My Deaf Gay Roommates

Low Maintenance Roommate, after reading my posts that mentioned her, told me I should write about what it's like to be a hearing girl living with deaf roommates, with lots of humorous anecdotes. And I was all, "Sure thing, Low Maintenance Roommate!" Because if there's one thing I excel at, it's humorous anecdotes.

I speak a lot of different languages. I used to write notes on ladyboss's Animal Crossing town's message board in German, just to be a douche. I'm no stranger to learning new words or dealing with language barriers, and let's face it, there's much less of a language barrier between me and most deaf people in the US than, say, me and a random hearing person from Kazakhstan. And it's not like I hadn't spoken to any deaf people before either, since I, you know, live in a world where deaf people exist. So, I wasn't at all nervous about not being able to communicate with my new roommates.

But when they moved in, I didn't know any sign at all.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. I had a roommate back in the day who took a couple quarters of ASL at our community college, and she taught me how to say "I like your penis." The day my new roomies moved in, we got pizza and beer, and the three of us were sitting in the living room chatting via text. I told them about my extensive sign knowledge. They wanted to see it. I told High Maintenance Roommate that I liked his penis.

He said thank you.

For a few days there, while we were using our phones to talk about normal roommate stuff ("Help! The ceiling is caving in!"), I would try to make sign small talk by saying that I liked their stuff. I knew the words for "I like your," and then I would just point at whatever the thing was that I liked.

"I like your [car]."

"I like your [suitcase]."

"I like your [dog]."

The best moment of that phase of our cohabitation was when High Maintenance Roommate straightened his hair all fancy, and I tried to tell him I liked his hair and accidentally poked him in the forehead like a weirdo.

Once everyone was moved in and settled, we started hanging out more. A couple more verbs were added to my repertoire, and High Maintenance Roommate taught me the alphabet in exchange for cigarettes. Ladyboss knows quite a bit of ASL, so she helps me practice at work. I learn new words and whatnot on the interwebs, and from watching videos and TV shows with deaf actors (Switched at Birth, anyone?). I learned how to say "how do you say," so now I wander around the house like a really enthusiastic toddler, pointing at things and asking what they're called.

(I intentionally did not ask how to sign Call of Duty.) 

It's a work in progress.

For a while, since the only noun I knew was "penis," I tried to work it in to what I was saying as often as possible. One of the first new words I learned was "worm," for "penis worm"- because we were watching Tremors, obviously.

THE GRABOID. Don't lie. You see it, too.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of signs involve really complicated-to-the-uninitiated hand motions. Of the signs I've learned so far, one of the hardest ones for me to do is actually "roommate," because it involves locking all your fingers together in a funny position. Whenever I try to sign with deaf customers at my job, it always goes pretty well up until they ask where I learned, and I have to fumble my way through saying, "I have deaf roommates."

Both of my roommates are really good cooks, and High Maintenance in particular makes really good breakfast food, so I asked him how to say all the breakfast foods. I didn't get the sign for "egg," which involves kind of swooping your fingers apart, so he did a really elaborate pantomime of breaking an egg open to show where it came from. I relayed that particular story to my sister, who laughed at me and said:

"See, other people are able to cook things, so they wouldn't be confused by what you do when you're cooking with eggs."

High and Low Maintenance Roommate fight over how to say things a lot (High grew up going to deaf schools, and Low went to hearing schools with formal interpreters), and sometimes, there just straight-up isn't a word in ASL for whatever I'm trying to say. I asked how to say "unicorn," and neither of them knew, so I put my hand on my forehead, with my finger out in the #1 position, to simulate a horn. They were like, "Uh, no girl, that means horny." Later on, I was telling that exact story to some hearing friends, and I got a frantic text from Low Maintenance Roommate, who was sitting on the other side of the room:

"Dude! You're telling all those people you're horny right now!"

(A silly coincidence: I made almost the exact same mistake when I was first learning German, when I looked up a word for "excited" and accidentally ended up with the one that had Sexual Implications. Why is it always so easy to tell people you're horny!? Why!?)

The roommates and I still mostly chat via text, and mostly about things that have nothing to do with ASL, but I like learning the signs because it's faster and easier. I've picked up enough that I don't need to write for most of the basic stuff, because 1. I POP LANGUAGES LIKE VALIUMS and more importantly, 2. I'm lucky to have very kind and patient teacherfriends.

Though, really, the "Me & My Hearing Roommate Who Doesn't Sign Very Well" blog would probably be way more entertaining.

"DAY 34: ANY DAY NOW, SHE'LL BE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO GRAMMATICALLY COMBINE THE SIX SIGNS SHE KNOWS.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS."

I guess it made sense in cod-text

So, my store has this policy where employees can borrow used games if we have enough copies.

And as it turns out, my new roommate High Maintenance Roommate is obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops.

"I can't check that out! All my coworkers will make fun of me!" I complained.

And then I checked it out, and then all my coworkers made fun of me, and then this happened, in a conversation about game check-outs with my bro, Jean-Luc:

A text conversation. "I mean, it is cod. Checking that out looks fishy."

NO. GOD DAMMIT.

But seriously, we all literally call Black Ops "COD BLOPS." And then we tell those people that they should totally buy copies of Brink and The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct, because fuck Call of Duty.

I recently got myself some new roommates

Regina George moved out, because my apartment is a shithole fine piece of property. And two new roommates moved in! THEY ARE GREAT! Let's call them High Maintenance Roommate and Low Maintenance Roommate. They are both gay and deaf.

Because I now live in a house with a herd o' deaf people (deaf people travel in herds), I have started to learn how to SIGN! Like a champion! Unfortunately, my new roommates are the ones who introduced me to The Walking Dead, so a good chunk of my vocabulary is limited to what's relevant in a zombie apocalypse.

THINGS I DO NOT CURRENTLY KNOW HOW TO SIGN:

"Help! I am having a medical emergency. Please take me to a hospital."

 THINGS I CURRENTLY KNOW HOW TO SIGN:

"I want a zombie to eat Rick Grimes."

Our only hope is that the writers of The Walking Dead respond to American Sign Language in a way that they do not respond to common sense and the rules of narrative writing.

As an aside, when we started watching the show, one of the first words I asked how to sign was "awkward."

I use it so often now that that's who my birthday card was addressed to.

We're super qualified

Bossbro has a habit of not checking the schedule and coming in at the wrong time. So, it was no surprise that when I got in this morning, he was waiting for me, eating a breakfast sandwich in his car like a hobo.

"[BOSSBRO]!" I shouted.

"Hi, [Miss Blog Lady]," he said.

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS."

"I love this store so much."

"YOU ARE EATING A BREAKFAST SANDWICH IN YOUR CAR LIKE A HOBO."

"And I like the abuse."

"WHY."

"See you later, [Miss Blog Lady.]"

Then bossbro drove off, and I dragged my extremely sick self into the store in a shambling, crazed manner not unlike a zombie.

We're a hot mess.