Merry Christmas Eve!

This morning, on my way to work at 6:30 AM, I accidentally shut my hand in my car door. Now it's starting to show bruising.

"My poor fingers are bruising," I said.

"Do you need to put something cold on it? asked Free Shirt. "I can get you some snow and a paper towel."

Extended holiday hours

We have to stay open until 10.

Naturally, the only person who's been in here for the past hour is some drunk asshole who decided to come in here and play our PS4 demo while he waits for the bus.

Fuck this guy.

X-rated shift

A man came into The Store to buy an Xbox 360 for his 7-year-old daughter. As he was looking at games, he asked me:

"Do they make X-rated games yet?"

"Well, they exist- the rating is AO, for "Adults Only"- but there's not a big market for them, because none of the major retailers will carry them."

"So I could go online and buy them?"

"I mean, your daughter would be able to see everything you'd been using the 360 for. She'd be like, "Daddy, what's the XXX achievement?""

"And I'd say, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!""

I still don't know if he was serious or not. He was probably serious- that's the kind of people who shop here.

Later on, a guy was buying a bunch of Skylanders toys, for Christmas presents. They come in bulky, awkward packaging.

"Those must be impossible to gift wrap," I commented.

"Oh, they are. I always make my wife do it."

"That's why I don't have any kids," I said. "I'm terrible at wrapping things."

"Or maybe you don't have any kids because you're really good at wrapping things," he said.

I laughed really hard.

NEW FAVORITE CUSTOMER.

Happy belated birthday, Jim Morrison!

So yesterday, The Veteran, who is always a ray of sunshine, comes into work and says:

"Man, it's Jim Morrison's birthday. I'm already older than he was when he died, and I haven't done anything."

Then I said,

"Look at it this way. I bet Jim Morrison didn't have all of the original Skylanders figurines!"

"World's Best Boss" mug. From giftsforageek.com

So, the Video Game Awards happened

Because I am sort of a video game maybe journalist, it is my sworn responsibility to write about Events in the Video Game Industry, or whatever. And it just so happened that last night was the formerly-known-as Spike TV Video Game Awards! It took me a weirdly long time to find a list of the winners, but they are here:

Hey, this is a link to the 2013 award winners

Very predictable- Grand Theft Auto V deserved to win Game of the Year. One thing I don't get is, though Link Between Worlds and Super Mario 3D World are both awesome and ambitious games that I own personally, they only came out on November 22nd. How are they eligible for "best of the year" awards when they've barely been out three weeks?

Of course, the VGAs are notoriously disorganized. I like to imagine that this is what the Oscars were like, Back In The Day.

I have mixed feelings about Ni no Kuni taking home Best RPG, too, because I feel like it's a nostalgia vote. The game is beautiful and amazing, but it's also aggressively traditional. The same game with less pretty visual and audio effects could easily have been made a decade ago, and the story structure is lifted right out of 90s classics like old Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy. I love traditional RPGs as much as the next girl, but I also accept that the genre has moved on. I mean, I'd even put Skylanders in the RPG category over the "casual" category. You know, because it's an RPG, and a very well-made one, too.

None of that really matters though, because WHY THE HELL DID WILLEM DAFOE NOT WIN BEST  MALE VOICE ACTOR?

Willem Dafoe at the Beyond: Two Souls release. From zimbio.com

THERE IS NO "SECOND BEST."

THERE IS NO "OTHER FAVORITE."

THERE IS ONLY DAFOE.

AND AGAIN!

A guy came in today to buy janky off-brand Wii remotes. He asked if they worked the same as a regular Wii remote and I said yes.

FAST FORWARD.

Angry phone call.

"THESE DON'T HAVE THE WII MOTION PLUS."

"Um, no, they don't." 

"I ASKED YOU IF THEY WERE THE SAME AS A REGULAR WII REMOTE AND YOU SAID YES."

Regular Wii remotes don't have the Motion Plus included. Motion Plus is extra.

"I misunderstood the question," is what I said instead. "You can buy the Motion Plus controllers for $20 more."

Yet another crisis that could have been averted if people stopped buying janky off-brand controllers.

Um, what

So, right now I'm watching Castle on Hulu Plus, because obviously. It just went to an ad break, and my Xbox 360 told me to go out and preorder Dead Rising 3 for the Xbox One.

UM, THAT GAME CAME OUT THREE WEEKS AGO WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING PREORDERS OF IT WHY WHY WHY WHY

Also, thank god Beckett got fired from the FBI. Those episodes were terrible.

Amateur guitarists are douchebags

Someone came in today to buy Rocksmith, a video game that teaches you how to play guitar. I hate the ads for Rocksmith because they're always trash-talking actual lessons with a real teacher. Speaking as a real-life teacher and student of private instrumental lessons, no, I don't think learning tools like Rocksmith are an effective replacement for a human teacher.

Of course, a lot of bros who pick up guitar aren't really interested in mastering an instrument, instead being mostly just interested in being "good enough." You know, to impress the laydeez at parteez. 

Anyway, this guy is buying Rocksmith, and it somehow comes up that I am a real-life musician-type person.

"What instrument do you play?"

"Clarinet," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Well, that's not as romantic as guitar."

Um, what? In what universe!? There is literally an entire genre of orchestral music referred to, Officially, by Music Historians, as the Romantic period. People EAT UP that tortured classical musician crap.

(Incidentally, if you're ever talking to a classical musician and you're like, "I can't tell if this is sexy passion or pretentious bullshit," the answer is usually pretentious bullshit. I know. I'm on the inside.)

Anyway, the important thing is that ain't nobody compares a clarinet unfavorably to a guitar in front of ME without getting viciously mocked on the internet.

No, sir.

The glorious return of the "janky off-brand controllers" tag

We get all kinds of janky off-brand controllers at Christmas, because people will buy anything at Christmas. Nevertheless, we haven't had any good janky off-brand controller moments lately.

UNTIL TODAY!

First off, I get a call in the early afternoon.

"I NEED A WIRELESS CONTROLLER FOR AN XBOX 360. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MICROSOFT BRAND."

"Well," I said. "Microsoft doesn't let anyone else make wireless controllers, so if you want wireless, you have to buy a Microsoft controller."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE AT [OTHER LOCATION] SAID."

Oh, great. Great.

"Well, there is one off-brand wireless controller, but it's really old. It was basically made in the Dark Ages." Yes, I did use the actual phrase "the Dark Ages." Seriously. Right now, I don't even remember the brand, and I'm trying to find a picture for the blog of the one off-brand 360 controller, and I can't even find one. They are a mere legend, spoken of only in the whispers of [Other Location]'s phone conversations.

"THE OTHER STORE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TEN DOLLARS AND THAT YOU HAVE ONE."

"Uhh, let me check."

Sure enough, we have one hanging in the area where sad old cheap used accessories live. Let's call it the Accessories Graveyard. Where gross accessories go to die. I'm pretty sure this controller has been in the store since before I started working there four years ago.

"Uhh, it's here, but it's old. Really old."

"IT WORKS FOR THE 360 DOESN'T IT?"

"...technically, yes."

"HOLD IT FOR ME."

She apparently called back to ask about janky off-brand PS3 controllers, but I didn't have to field that call. She did not come in to pick up the janky off-brand 360 controller she had on hold.

Later, at close, right at 9, the Highest Man Ever stumbled in, right past The Veteran trying to close the gates. He went straight to the demo PS4, and freaked out because it was turned off. You know, because the store was closed.

"I NEED TO BUY A PS3 CONTROLLER." Predictably, the actual Sony ones were a little out of his price range.

"JUST GIVE ME A REGULAR CHEAP ONE." Sony does allow other companies to make wireless controllers, so The Veteran grabbed a cheap wireless controller, just as Junkie grabbed a cheap wired controller.

"IS THAT WIRELESS? I'LL TAKE THAT ONE." He paid with a $50 bill, because of course he did. After he'd paid, and we were ready to usher him out of the store because we'd been closed for ten minutes, he asked us how he was supposed to charge it. Keep in mind that rechargeable batteries are expensive, and this guy had just bought a janky off-brand controller.

"It takes AAs," said The Veteran.

"NO. I CAN'T DO BATTERIES. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

"Would you like to buy some batteries? We sell batteries here." Junkie flew into a rage.

"NO. NO. GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

So, we exchanged the two controllers. It took a while, since doing a refund requires taking down the person's information, even if they literally bought the item two seconds ago. While The Veteran made his way through the transaction, Junkie found a display box for some headphones and tried to get me to show them to him. On his way out, he jostled the Xbox One demo unit to try to see what was inside, or something.

When we finally got rid of him and locked the doors, I started laughing and couldn't stop.

"WHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED!?"

The Veteran shook his head at me.

Deadbeat Dadurday

I walk into the store and am greeted by a small child waving one of our displays around and shouting nonsense, while his dad preorders a DBZ game.

This does not bode well.

Real-life Customer Quotes: Reading is Hard Edition

A couple weeks ago, our store was able to special order PS4s and Xbox Ones for customers in bundle format- basically, the system plus a bunch of games and accessories for many hundreds of dollars. We had an advertisement for the bundles we were able to order posted on the door. Most people just saw the part that said "Available," rushed in, and freaked when we told them they'd also have to buy six games and a controller. One particular gentleman came in in a righteous fury, and shouted:

"HOW CAN YOU CHARGE MORE THAN THE SYSTEM IS WORTH!?"

"It's bundled with a bunch of other stuff," I said. "Did you read the description?"

"I DON'T READ."

Ok, then.

Today, a lady came in, stared directly at the display box for the Microsoft Kinect, and asked:

"What's a Microsoft Kindle?"

No, I mean that literally- they will not pay us to keep the store open late

I have HAD IT with these customers, loyal readers.

Today, as we were closing up the store at 9 P.M., A Customer came in. He saw Free-Shirt pulling the gates closed (yeah, our store has metal gates in the front, we're classy) and asked,

"When do you guys close?"

"9 P.M.," I said.

"Your website says 10," he said. I pulled out my phone and checked our posted hours. Sure enough, Thursday says 10 AM to 10 PM, even though every other day of the week is correctly marked at 10 AM to 9 PM.

In the meantime, the guy and his girlfriend are looking at the wall and whining about how Skyrim is still $50.

"That's the legendary edition with all the DLC," I said. "The game by itself is $20."

"I ALREADY HAVE IT," he snapped at me.

This week of all weeks, I don't have time for people to be rude to me for trivial bullshit.

"Yeah, the website says 10 PM, but sorry, it must be a typo," I said. "Every other day is correctly marked 10 to 9."

"WHERE IS FALLOUT," he snapped.

"In the "Under $10" bin," I said. He managed to find it and bring it up to the register as Free-Shirt is locking the door and beginning to clean up customer mess.

"I'M FEELING RUSHED RIGHT NOW," he complained.

"Sorry," I said. "We don't get paid to stay open late."

Now, I am aware that mentioning your shitty working conditions to customers is The Biggest No-No Ever In The History of Corporate Retail, but I've had it with this guy.

"WELL, THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE."

Ain't nobody disses my attitude.

"I mean that literally," I said flatly. "They will not pay us to keep the store open late. We're restricted in the number of hours we can have employees scheduled, and we're already over our allocation for this week." Of course, legally, they have to pay us for hours worked, but there are all kinds of tricks corporate can use to "make up" the over-used time, the most common one being slashing hours for the following days and weeks, which hurts the store long-term.

(By the way, we're over on hours because our district manager came in, moved everything around, made a huge mess, and we had to bring in an extra employee to clean it all up.)

"WELL, THEN, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY MESSED UP THE SCHEDULE."

"We have no control over the number of payroll hours we get. Feel free to take it up with our corporate office."

"MAYBE I WILL."

Seriously. Customers are not Delicate Flowers who can't bear the effects of Reality interfering with their Happy Shopping Time. Stores, particularly small specialty stores like mine, have closing times for a reason. Even if I didn't have a life outside of work and was totally happy to wait around for him to finish picking out $5 PS3 games, I would get punished by corporate for going into overtime.

Of course, I'm going to get reamed by corporate anyway for telling a customer THE TRUTH OF RETAIL, but at least I get to watch my DM flounder when I ask him how much overtime pay I can get.

Encouraging people to complain to corporate totally takes the wind out of their sails, though.

Cogs in the machine, bro

Some corporate rich people are in town today, and they might visit the store, so we have to be all clean and presentable. Which means we have to wear our name tags, which I usually don't do because I'm a rebel. Unfortunately, I have no idea where my name tag is, so I just put on AsS's instead.

Let's mention here that AsS is an adult man, with an adult man name.

No one noticed I was wearing some dude's name tag for hours.

GUESS NOT WEARING MY NAME TAG ISN'T THAT BIG A DEAL AFTER ALL, HUH, CORPORATE

Why does everyone keep laughing when I tell them I was munching carpet this morning?

So, this just happened to me:

A screenshot from Link Between Worlds. Someone asks Link, face down on the floor: "Hey, you listening to me? What, the rug tastes really good or something?"

And who says that Zelda needs voice acting? Comedy GOLD.