Xenoblade Chronicles: Part 2

No joke, there is a character named Juju in Xenoblade Chronicles. For realsies.

"Juju." From xenoblade.wikia.com

 Um, please.

THE Juju. From fuckyeahjuju.tumblr.com

Xenoblade Chronicles: Part 1

So, someone sold my store a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. I bought it. After my layers of employee discounts, it still cost me $55. That is how hard it is to find a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles. And now I have one! Thanks, guy!

I've been wanting to play this game for ages (I couldn't afford it when it came out, and I sure as hell can't afford what it sells for on eBay), but I specifically didn't read anything about it, so I thought it might be a fun exercise in Official Video Game Blogging to write my first impressions of the game, and see how they change as the game progresses.

Today I played the first few hours, through the intro and into the beginnings of the main quest. Here are my first thoughts, in a numbered list, because fuck coherent narratives.

 1. I don't understand why the main character is named She-Hulk.

And he looks like an even less manly version of Vaan from Final Fantasy XII:

A picture of "Shulk." From xenoblade.wikia.com

On the plus side, he has an enormous sword that's imbued with magical powers, so it kinda balances out.

2. LOOK AT THIS DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIE.

Dickson, aka A Dirty Fucking Hippie. From xenoblade.wikia.com

What is going on with this guy? Why is there a dirty hippie in my JRPG? I'm also happy (READ: not happy) to see that the practice of appropriating Native American imagery as a shorthand for "in touch with nature" somehow made it over to Japan.

This guy is She-Hulk's surrogate father figure, and also a dirty fucking hippie, so I'm placing bets on him either 1. being the evil mastermind behind the entire story, or 2. dying horribly to save She-Hulk's life, probably with some sort of betrayal subplot thrown in.

3. The game is way more sci-fi than I was expecting it to be. 

Which is silly, because it's a Japanese RPG, and it has "xeno" in the title. I've played this game before, is what I'm saying.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to make the connection between the war between the humans ("Homs") and machines ("Mechons"), and the fact that civilization exists on top of two sleeping gods called Bionis and Mechanis. Looks like there's a nature vs. technology theme here. Typical JRPG fare. We'll see how that goes.We can compare it to Final Fantasy VII, or any of the Tales games. If I also have to destroy organized religion, it's a JRPG double whammy.

4. There is a Big Bad who is a giant robot who can shift between a humanoid attack form, and a plane form. 

5. My girlfriend lady isn't really dead, I just haven't figured out how yet.

CORPSE OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

But no, seriously. We spent too much time with Fiora for her to just die and leave She-Hulk to run off on a stupid revenge quest. Plus, they've already managed to establish that you can equip her with sexy bikini tops and things, and no way could they be bothered to write a second love interest, so she's definitely coming back.

The role of women in video games is a dismal state of affairs. At least Fiora got a badass giant robot fight scene before she didn't get fridged.

6. The control scheme suffers from a lack of buttons.

The fighting system is cool, but it's not a good fit for the Wii remote. There's a lot of scrolling through options and holding down different buttons that could have been avoided by using a more complex controller. I wouldn't say it's totally unwieldy, though, unless you've been spoiled by auto-aim.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty bros.

7. Everything She-Hulk thinks he knows about his magical sword and/or the nature of the world in which he lives is wrong.

I mean, duh.

A new horror

So, Microsoft announced that the Xbox One was going to have not-quite-as-severe-but-PC-esque restrictions on game sharing, and requirements for near-constant internet access. Everyone threw a hissy fit. Microsoft backtracked, saying that now game sharing will be unrestricted as with the Xbox 360, and an internet connection will only be necessary for system updates and internet-specific features.

Cool, right?

After weeks of listening to everyone and their mother whine and moan about XBone restrictions, the announcement was a huge relief. Now, when people started ranting about how Microsoft wanted to take all their money and murder their pets, instead of going into a long spiel about how game trading will be allowed under limited circumstances that I don't fully understand, I could just sigh and say "No. All of that is false. They changed their mind."

What I didn't count on was the fact that apparently, no one knows the difference between "able to play second-hand games" and "backwards compatible."

"So, will the Xbox One be able to play Xbox 360 games?" asked an otherwise innocuous customer one day.

"No, it can't," I said.

"Microsoft said it could," he pressed.

"No, they didn't," I said, confused. Despite their total abortion of a press release, no one affiliated with Microsoft has ever even suggested that the Xbox One would ever be able to Xbox 360 discs.

"Yeah, originally it couldn't, but then they went back on it and said you could play old games," he said.

Oh. Oh, no.

"They're allowing used games," I said. "The system still isn't going to be backwards compatible."

"Yeah, so I can play my used 360 games," he said.

"No. You can play used Xbox One games. The system isn't backwards compatible with games designed on the 360."

"So- wait, what does that mean?"

"You can only play Xbox One games on an Xbox One."

I've been having identical versions of this conversation with all sorts of people since Microsoft's announcement. I'm in a new circle of torture. Why is it so difficult to grasp the concept that the Xbox 360 and the Xbox One have completely different hardware? Is it because they both read discs? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of discs there are?

The Xbox 360 isn't backwards compatible, either, so why would the Xbox One be? Sony abandoned making their systems backwards compatible years ago, and it doesn't seem to have affected their sales. If you want backwards compatibility, then buy a Nintendo console.

No, seriously. I love my Wii U more than anything in the world.

MAKIN' A TAG FOR IT.

Yes I have, and thanks for noticing

Yesterday while I was working, a customer came in and started talking to me. He wasn't even really a regular. At least, not anyone who I recognized.

"Wow," he said. "You've been here for forever!"

"Yep," I said.

"I remember seeing you at the release for Modern Warfare 2!"

"Yes, I'm sure you did."

"How many years is that?"

"Three and a half, sir,"  I said.

"Wow," he said.

My first day at my job was Halloween, 2009. I wore an Aerith costume to work. No one recognized me. That's when I realized that my sort of gamer isn't in the mainstream anymore.

My only consolation is that The Veteran worked the release for the original Halo.

The saga of Barold

Anyone who's played an Animal Crossing game knows that you can't choose your townspeople. Some of them are cool, like that penguin who calls me ladybro. Some of them are less than cool.

And some of them are Barold.

I was rudely introduced to Barold when he built his house in my town, right in the middle of the mayoral rose garden. So if, for example, I was trying to get a picture of myself wearing Majora's Mask with the moon in the background:

NOW TO DROP IT ON EVERYONE AND END THE WORLD MUAHAHA

I now had to deal with this stupid eyesore:

Barold's house. He stacked a bunch of cinder blocks outside like a homeless person.

I was polite about Barold's faux pas, at first. I sent him some official mayoral letters, trying to drop hints.

"Dear Barold: I can't help but notice that your hideous cinder block house is still lowering my property values. From [Me]"

This is the reply I got:

"For [Me]: I'm coloring in all the vowels in your letter. It's fun! I tried putting the letter you sent me under my pillow, but so far... no sweet dreams. Well, that's all for today. Your pal, Barold"

Now thoroughly convinced that Barold was a serial killer, I went to visit him at his home.

Barold's house. It's creepy. Trust me on this one.

Barold had no real furniture. He had a server, laptop, and copy machine, probably all used for porn distribution. He slept in a sleeping bag on the floor. And, worst of all:

A picture of Barold's house from the opposite angle.

I'm pretty sure that giant stuffed bear used to be one of his family members.

I eventually got Barold to leave Balsaq, but not before he got fleas and spread them to everyone else in town. When he told me he was finally leaving, my natural politeness kicked in, and I chose the "Oh nooo, that's so saaaad!" option.

"Well, if you feel that strongly about it, I guess I'll stay," he said cheerfully.

Then I reset the game without saving, sat through a lecture from Mr. Resetti, and told that bum to get out of town.

And now Balsaq is great and flea-free again.

Whoops I haven't written a post in forever

I'm just going to write a ton of posts all on the same day, and pretend they were spread out over time. Sound good? Sounds good.

As for what I've been doing, enjoy this poorly-lit phone photo of my Animal Crossing: New Leaf avatar hoarding money in a train station locker instead of putting it in the bank.

Yeah, I'm dressed as the Hero of Time. Don't worry about it.

Real customer quote

"Do you guys buy iPhones? It looks brand new- there's only one dent."

Happy Birthday, Bossbro!

Today is bossbro's 26th birthday. I made him a Diglett. His name is Diggles.

This time I took a picture BEFORE putting it in the super reflective frame. Genius!

Sometimes I worry that my interests, such as "sticking pieces of paper together to form pictures," are too specific for people to be able to relate to me.

And then some other times I'm like, eh.

My life

I just found an e-mail my brother sent me that I missed. All it had was a link to the following image, and the text:

"You."

A Craig Would Be So Happy meme. "If I could just get a job where I didn't have to deal with customers, I would be so happy."

More Super Metroid

At work with The Veteran the other day, we were talking about how I've been playing Super Metroid. He revealed to me that he has never been able to finish Super Metroid.

"WHAT," I said.

"I can't figure out how to get to Ridley through that lava pit," he said.

"DO YOU HAVE GRAVITY SUIT," I said.

"Yeah, I think so," he said.

"DO YOU HAVE SPACE JUMP," I said.

"What's the Space Jump?" he said.

What followed was a lengthy verbal walk-through, with hand motions, of how to get to Maridia's boss, kill that motherfucker, and get you some Space Jump. Customers gathered around, mesmerized by my intense played-too-many-timesing of Super Metroid. It all ended with this helpful and informative diagram:

A professional-quality sketch of Samus zapping Draygon with her grapple beam.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf

HEY, Y'ALL! GUESS WHAT I DID TODAY!

If your guess was "spent four hours at my job on my day off playing Animal Crossing with my coworkers," you would be CORRECT!

I am now the proud mayor of Balsaq. Ladyboss named her town Gobville, and bossbro named his Bat Cave. Balsaq is the superior town, by like, a lot. Obviously.

We don't have many outlets in our back room, and most of them are being used by way-less-important-than-Animal-Crossing crap like security equipment, so I spent a good chunk my morning playing my 3DS in our filthy bathroom.

I went to work on my day off to play video games with my coworkers, in a bathroom.

But look at how cute we are!

Well, I'm not cute. I got stung by a bee.

Bossbro's been sending his townspeople letters telling them that Balsaq gives you cancer, but I retaliated by letting them know that bossbro's leadership is bad for the working animal, and that my town has free beer.

Plus, this penguin calls me ladybro, and that's great.

"I thought, if this ladybro's in charge, Balsaq is in good hands!"

Your Balsaq is in good hands, Iggly. It's in good hands.

"Well written!" "I laughed!"

I asked Regina George what she thought of my blog.

"It's well written," she said. "I laughed."

Now I have my cover quotes for when I get my book deal.

I don't think it's the camera that sux

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. Some guy posted a picture of his new tattoo of a SNES controller. At least, I think it's a SNES controller. It might be an alien, or a malformed fetus. The tattoo's not very good, is what I'm saying here. That is the joke.]

BREAKING NEWS! Super Metroid still awesome

"Hey, [Roommate]," I said today. "I need you to give me an alias so I can write about you on my blog."

"Regina George," she said.

"Perf," I said.

So, yeah, I have a roommate, and her name is Regina George*, and I sorta maybe accidentally got her crazy into video games. She attacks everything in the LEGO series with a manic completionism that makes me proud. I also have this theory that if you cut all her hair off, she'd look like a British man.

Recently I bought a(nother) digital version of Super Metroid because Nintendo had it on sale on the Wii U e-shop for thirty cents. I mean, duh. And one day shortly thereafter, with no prompting from me whatsoever, I found Regina playing it.

"OMG I LOVE SUPER METROID," I said. My roommate is quite a bit less verbose than I am, so most of our conversations get a little one-sided.

"OMG IT'S SOME DEAD SCIENTISTS," I said. "OMG IT'S A METROID IN A TANK. WHAT'S GOING ON? CAN YOU PICK IT UP? WHAT'S THAT GLOWING EYEBALL DOING THERE? AAAHH IT'S RIDLEY HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS oh, by the way, you can jump and shoot at the same time."

"OMG LOOK IT'S PLANET ZEBES. OMG SPACE PIRATES."

Unfortunately, I had to work that day, but I continued my barrage via text, because I have a serious texting problem.

A one-sided text conversation where I rant about how great Super Metroid is

Luckily for everyone, Regina George did want to watch me play Super Metroid. As of this writing, I just headed into Norfair to beat up Ridley. (Maridia is still the worst, am I right, bros?) Playing old timey games on the Wii U game pad is great, except that Super Metroid uses the select button pretty heavily, and it's kind of far away from everything else. I got used to it, though, and most games don't use select at all, so I don't see it being an issue for most people.

And playing Super Metroid again gave me an excuse to tell my roommate about this guy:

The y cant metroid crawl? guy. He's my boyfriend. We're dating.

I'm not the type to whine about how games were so much harder back in the day, because most of that difficulty was artificial. As much fun as it is to talk about how back in my day we had to walk back to the castle to save and we were grateful we could save at all, updates like more save points are a good thing, because they make long, story-based, "hardcore" games more accessible to a wider variety of people. It's just funny watching people who are used to several-hours-long tutorials and insta-respawns go back and try to play games which, due to technical limitations, have a basic introductory premise of "I DUNNO, FIGURE IT OUT."

In any case, Regina had a good time dipping her toes into the lake of retro Metroid gaming, before she got stuck in a pit and gave up.

"Do you like Super Metroid?" I asked her.

"Umm, yeah, it's cool," she said. "If I had a SNES when I was younger, I probably would have played it a lot." Then she asked me if there were other old games available on the Wii U. To which I said:

"Check out my sexy Nintendo Virtual Arcade library. Pokémon Snap, anyone?"

*My roommate's name is not Regina George 

This man is amazing

I don't mean to diminish the very serious potential privacy issues associated with an always-on recording device in your living room, but holy shit, this guy. 

I want him to go on speaking tours.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A Facebook post with pictures, names, and places blocked out. 

"So when where ya gonna tell all of us Xbox Lovers that you support Obama and your letting the NEW Xbox One HAVE TOO Stay on and scan the House and Listen to EVERYTHING and it is also Government USED !!!! so your Basically telling us we are gonna Screw you all and get all of you in Trouble or Arrested and so on so on REALLY !!!!!!!!! i have been boycotting this sytem in TN TX GA and KY and all over the NET Fix this or be Screwed YOUR SELF !!!!!!!"

The punctuation and random capitals belong, of course, to the original author. Or in this case, word artisan. ]

Hellspawn alert #2

Right before I left today, a kid came in who was thinking about pre-ordering Call of Duty: Ghosts. I would peg his age at approximately Old Enough To Know Better. He asked me when Call of Duty comes out.

"November 5," I said.

"Oh." He thought for a moment. "What month is it now?"

If his parents were there, I would have stared at them incredulously. But alas, he was alone.

"June," I said.

"Oh." More thinking. "How many months until November?"

I held up my fist, uncurling my fingers to count for him.

"July. August. September. October. November. Five months," I said, displaying five fingers.

"Oh."

He left and didn't come back.

Hellspawn alert

Someone just dropped off four tiny children in here, said "I'll be in the van, take your time," and left.

Took my nose piercing out again

IF THE BIG BOSSES DON'T SHOW UP THIS TIME SO HELP ME

Real customer conversation

"Thank you for calling [store], this is [Miss Blog Lady]."

"Is there another manager on duty, or is it just you?"

"Just me."

"I hate you. You're a bitch."

And then I hung up on him.

Place your bets

Just watched a guy steal a bunch of points cards. You know, the kind that have no value until activated at the register.

Currently taking bets on whether he comes back to the store to complain that they're not working.

I want this sweater

Been playin' some Bully, because summer vacation just started and I wanted to punch some kids. More importantly, I want this sweater:

Jimmy Hopkins, wearin' a Christmas turtleneck with Rudolph on it.

I WANT THIS SWEATER.

A happy story that will brighten your day

Day-brightening is not my specialty, so bear with me, here.

The other day, a mom came in to buy a 3DS for her daughter. Apparently the daughter had just been diagnosed with mono, and it was the beginning of summer break, and she was miserable. So the mom bought a 3DS XL, a few games including Luigi's Mansion, and a cute case for it.

The next day, she came rushing back in looking for a second 3DS XL and a second copy of Luigi's Mansion.

"It's so much fun!" she gushed. "I have to get my own so we can play together. Or not."

Video games. Bringin' families together.  

A list of things people need to stop asking me for

The Kinexx.

The DS3.

The PS Vista.

Thanks for the hepatitis

My favorite teenager just handed me a chunk of broken glass and asked me what it was. 

"It's a chunk of broken glass," I said. I went to throw it away.

"Noooo! Don't throw it away! I found it outside and I want to keep it!"

Then he tried to buy an M-rated game without an ID.

I hate this kid.