BREAKING NEWS! INSIDER INFO ON THE NEW XBOX

With the announcement of the new Microsoft console nigh, rumors are flying.

"Wow," I said. "Telling people they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internet one at a time is horribly inefficient. There must be another way." And that's when I remembered:

I HAVE A BLOG!

The fact that I both have an internet platform and claim to work at a video game store gives me more than enough authority and insider knowledge to dish on the new system. Don't pay attention to the rumors flying around the interblag, kids.

This is the real deal.

Here we go.

ANNOUNCING: THE MICROSOFT SUPER XBOX 58008

PICTURED: The Microsoft Super Xbox 58008, in a very dark room.

(Type it into your calculator, y'all! LOL!)

HARDWARE

The 58008 will play VHS tapes, and be fully backwards compatible with the Neo Geo.

It is not recommended for use by male Americans age 0-85, because of a common hardware failure that can cause your dick to fall off. The first year failure rate is 98%.

The body of the console is powered by live bees. When you open the disc drive, bees come out.

Every system will have a Kinect built in, so that Bill Gates can watch you sleep. No, seriously, it's part of the user agreement. 

LAUNCH TITLES

Dude With Gun 9: More Nazis!

Family Party Sunshine Happy Funtime Smiles

CARS GOING REAL FAST OMG

 Bro With Slightly Different Gun: It's Commies This Time, You Guys

A bunch of sports games designed on the Xbox 360 and ported over, badly

XBOX LIVE

Unlike previous Xboxes, the 58008 does, in fact, come with The Internet.

Before getting online, the system will require a record of your bank account information. Every time you do anything online, you will be charged five dollars. Every time you sign offline, former Microsoft executive Adam Orth will appear and slap you in the face.

Deal with it.

PRICING & AVAILABILITY

The Xbox 58008 will cost $58,008. Just send it to my paypal account. I'll hook you up.

The new system will be available for pre-order, starting right now, exclusively at Denny's.

In order to purchase the 58008, you must first register to vote, and pass a basic reading comprehension test.  

The 58008 will hit stores just in time for the holidays, on 11/31/13.


And there you have it, folks! Everything you need to know about the launch of the Super Xbox 58008. I'll just be right here, waiting for you to send me all your money and gratitude.   

You're welcome.