So, Season 3 of The Walking Dead went up on Netflix today

First of all, the minute I turned the show on, my Valenbaby hopped up to the TV and started thwacking a zombie with her foot. Nice work, Val! Add my cat to the list of creatures who would be more interesting and effective protagonists than Douchebag Prime.

This post is about Lori's labor. Or "labor," as the case may be is here.

How childbirth works is not, or shouldn't be, a mystery to anyone over the age of 12. Women love The Walking Dead (Helloooo, Daryl Musclyarms Dixon!), and a good chunk of that audience group have had babies of their own. A good chunk of fathers watching the show were there for the birth of their children. And most of the rest is common sense. I mean, maybe with the slow, painful death of comprehensive sex ed in schools, "how childbirth works" isn't common knowledge, after all.

But if you're writing a damn script for a major TV series where a woman gives birth, you damn well better get the details right.

For one, extreme stress and running around and whatnot do not actually induce labor. I'm willing to give them a pass on that one, since they're trying (ahem) to make an exciting show, and having Lori go into labor right then causes Dramatic Tension. Ok, dudes.

Two, labor takes a long time. Whole days could pass between your first contraction and the actual birth. Yes, sometimes a woman realizes she's in labor and pops out a baby two seconds later, but those are exceptions that prove the rule. And given that Lori delivered Carl by C-section, it's unlikely that that would be typical for her. After one contraction, no woman would get down on the floor and assume a baby's about to come out.

Third, women who have C-sections can still deliver babies vaginally. Hospitals just usually recommend against it, because there's a slightly higher risk of complications, and they make more money off of an expensive surgical procedure. Not to minimize the actual risks and dangers of reality childbirth,  but women have obviously been poppin' out babies outside of hospitals for most of human history. The fact that Lori had had a C-section previously isn't a cause for panic until something in her current delivery actually goes wrong.

Fourth, a little bit of blood during childbirth is normal. That's all the placenta is, is a big ol' sack o' blood, and it's coming out with the baby. Maggie, presumably, has seen cattle or other farm critters give birth before, so she should expect the baby not to pop out clean. I understand that the sight of blood would cause someone to panic in that situation, but it's silly to infer from some bloody fingertips that Lori's hemorraghing or whatever, even though that's clearly what the writers want us to assume. Sigh.

Fifth- FIFTH!- Lori was trying to push even though she wasn't even dilated yet. Maggie says so. Girl, ain't no baby comin' out until that vaginal canal opens up! Common sense. No wonder it fucking hurts to push. The baby has nowhere to go. Stupid.

And last but not least, how long were they even in that closet? Maybe thirty minutes? An hour? The flow of time is difficult to judge on this show because everything is as slow as shit. Regardless, an hour of contractions where real labor hasn't even started yet isn't enough to judge whether you have to cut someone open and rip a baby out of their still-living body. Overkill, much? The right thing to do would be to calm Lori down, make her take some deep breaths, and have Maggie and Carl work together to fight their way back to the group. Sure, she could have died in childbirth later anyway, but "Welp, it's been an hour! Cut me open with my son's zombie-killin' knife!" is total nonsense. If they wanted to go that route, they should have created a situation where the group was separated for a day or longer.

The group should be furious with Maggie for killing Lori for no reason whatsoever, but... they're not.

In any case, what's done is done, and now the stage is set for Douchebag Prime to become newly obsessed with his wife, even though he treated her like garbage while she was alive. Wheeeeeee!!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this is how they handle the birth, given the fiasco that was the episode where Lori tries to give herself an abortion by overdosing on emergency contraception. Hugh Jackman's watching for the first time too, and he sent me a text while I was writing this that's just like, "And also she has to hold her belly when she's walking, because apparently babies can just fall out at any moment."

LADYPARTS: HOW DO THEY WORK?

Also: I'm glad that after two seasons of being called "T-Dog" and not getting any lines, T-Dog finally got to sacrifice himself to save a white lady. I'm sure it's what he always wanted. That, and a real name.

On parents who buy Grand Theft Auto for their tiny children

I hate Kotaku.

I hate everyone who reads Kotaku.

I hate it every time someone mentions to me something they read on Kotaku.

The Veteran is always texting me links to Kotaku articles he thinks I'll enjoy. (And, ok, I usually do enjoy them as long as there aren't any naked people, but I still hate Kotaku.) I mentioned this to Awesome Sauce, and he started sending me Kotaku links all the time, too.

So, what happens when there's some breaking video game news that I would be interested in?

The day it was announced that Tales of Xillia 2 was coming to the U.S., this is how my morning went:

First, I get a text from Awesome Sauce, saying "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S."

About five minutes later, The Veteran texts me a link to a Kotaku article about how Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.

I walk into work, and bossbro greets me with a "Hey, Tales of Xillia 2 is coming to the U.S.!"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GENTLEMEN, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

All of the above is to highlight the extreme reluctance with which I am posting a link to a Kotaku article that was recommended to me by AsS:

I Sold Too Many Copies of GTA V to Parents who Didn't Give a Damn.

The other day I mass-texted everyone I know:

"I'm really tired of explaining to parents that Grand Theft Auto is basically softcore porn."

"Just write those exact words on a sign," my friend Wolfie* wrote back.

But seriously.


The list of warnings on the back of GTA is ridiculously long. Blood! Gore! Extreme violence! Strong language! Nudity! Strong sexual content! Mature themes! Whenever I read through it for a parent who's in the store with a ten-year-old kid, they yawn and wave me through.

"You literally torture a guy. You waterboard a guy on screen."

"He's already seen all that stuff on TV." (What the hell is your kid watching!?)

"You own and manage a strip club."

"WHAT!?"

Extreme violence hasn't fazed a single person. But the minute you mention the boobies, everyone freaks out. And even then, they still want to buy the game, so we encourage them to flip through the strategy guide and see the screenshots.

And even then, literally only one person ever has opted not to buy the game at my store since the release.

Without fail, every time I start mentioning the extreme violence and sexytimes, all of these people ask:

"They can put that stuff in a game!?"

"It's not designed for kids," I say, every time. "The average gamer is in their 30s. And the people who played the original Grand Theft Auto are in their 40s now."

I think some people hear the word "game" and immediately assume "children's toy." People who ramble about games like Grand Theft Auto V ruining kids are missing the point that there are games that are not meant to be played by children. After all, it's impossible to get access to an R-rated movie or an M-rated game without parental consent.

If you buy something that says "Strong Sexual Content" on the packaging, you should also be prepared for your child to come up and you asking what "pimps" and "hos" are.

I understand that children are different, and what's appropriate for one child might not be for another. I played Grand Theft Auto III when I was ten, and I turned out ok. It was my 17-years-old-at-the-time-now-he's-old brother's game, and I would play it when he wasn't around. I would drive around in the cars and follow traffic laws. I was a well-read child, with two older siblings, and I wasn't unaware of the existence of sex workers, nor was I ever really taught to demean or dehumanize them, so I wasn't confused or bothered by what was going on.

Extreme torture, though? That would even bother me now. There were several parts in my first playthrough of Borderlands 2, which I loved, where I had to stop playing because it was too intense. (Maybe I'll write a post about that someday.) And that's sci-fi/fantasy, not true crime. And I'm almost 25 years old.

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been about pushing limits, both in game design and in storytelling, for years. It's supposed to be edgy and controversial. And even if you find the story trite and silly (ahem), you can't deny that GTA is a poster franchise for Games As A Grown-Up, Edgy Storytelling Medium.

Controversial entertainment isn't typically accessible or appropriate for kids.

For example, this one time, a dad and a little boy, no older than six or seven, came in looking for a game.

"He likes playing Grand Theft Auto at his uncle's house, but we don't want to buy it for him, so we're looking for something similar but not as... bad," said the dad. "He likes having a big open city to run around in."

"Ok," I said. "How about Batman: Arkham City? You have a pretty open area to explore, and it's Batman, so you still get to beat up bad guys."

"Does that sound interesting?" the dad asked the kid. And the kid immediately turned to me, and asked, with a perfectly serious face:

"Does Batman shoot cops?"

I was so taken aback by the question that I just squeaked out:

"Batman doesn't shoot anybody."

Kids who play games like Grand Theft Auto are, at best, the equivalent of a kid bragging about how he watched all the Saw movies and didn't get scared, and at worst, miniature sociopaths who like to shoot cops, with a lot of poorly delivered sex ed in between.

Please, people. Listen when some bitter, disillusioned register jockey is telling you that what you're purchasing might be a bit too much for your kid.

Because when you're furious that your 8-year-old suddenly knows the meanings and usage of a dozen different racial slurs and the term "Dirty Sanchez," well, you've got nothing to blame but your own hands-off parenting. 

*My only friend who had the decency to already have an internet alias before I started blogging. Seriously, my funny nickname muscle is tired. 

Today, I played Megaman X. Like, all of it.

Megaman X popped up on the Wii U's Virtual Console, and being that it is one of my FAVORITE GAMES OF ALL TIME ZOMG, I bought that shit hard. Remember when games were designed so that you could beat them in an afternoon without saving? Good times. There's nothing I love more than a platformer that has secret stuff to find in all the levels. A platformer where finishing the levels affects the environment in other levels, allowing you to go to new areas and find new stuff? SWOON.

Speaking of Megaman X, allow me to introduce you to my YouTube boyfriend, Mr. Smooth McGroove, doing an a capella version of Spark Mandrill's stage music:

The real question is, what sort of person does Spark Mandrill's stage without doing Chill Penguin and Storm Eagle first? What is this, the fuckin' amateur hour?

This is also a friendly neighborhood reminder for those of you who have money to pop over and Kickstart Keiji Inafune's new project, Mighty No. 9, which I personally will be playing the shit out of.

Whoops your James Bond

A lady called me today, wanting to check trade values for games.

"I have some 007 games."

"Ok, what are the titles?"

"I don't know."

Pause.

"There are about a half dozen different James Bond games, so I can't give you trade values unless you give me the names of the games. But if you bring them in to the store, we can give you an estimate."

"I'll go check what they are and call you back."

A couple hours passed. The phone rings.

"It's me again," she said. "Ok, the first game is Medal of Honor."

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"That's not a 007 game at all," I said. She didn't get it.

She did have James Bond Legends. The third game was Fable 3. Medal of Honor and Fable 3 are both super old and super cheap, so they were worth about 50 cents each.

"I might've gotten those titles wrong," she said. "I'll just bring them all in."

I'm really excited for the $7 cash trade. I bet she'll ask us to give her extra for gas, too.

Retail Wiiple support

The most common problems with the Wii are that the power cord gets fried, or the Wiimotes fall out of sync. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure my busted old Wii could survive nuclear armaggedon.

"The disc tray stopped working on my Wii."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO IT!?"

Regardless, we're constantly getting calls from people who can't figure out how to sync their Wii and Xbox controllers. 

Like today.

A woman calls me, wanting to return a Wii she bought six months ago because the Wiimote fell out of sync.

"You just need to re-sync your Wiimote," I said. "Do you know how to sync your Wiimote?"

"No."

I walk her through syncing her Wiimote. Basically, there's a red button on the remote, and a red button on the Wii, and you push them at the same time.

"Does the Wii have to be turned on?"

"Yes."

A long pause.

"IT'S NOT WORKING."

At that point, I gave up and gave her Nintendo's support line, because they hopefully have a tried-and-true phone script for dealing with these people. Otherwise, she's going to be really disappointed when she comes in looking for a refund and instead I sync her Wiimote for her.

The last woman who had this same issue ranted for twenty minutes about our defective products, watched me sync the controller in less than thirty seconds, shouted "WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK WHEN I DID IT," grabbed her Wii, and flounced out of the store.

Texts from my ex-coworkers

"Technically, it should be AsS, not ASS." - Awesome Sauce

No GTA for you!

A tiny kid- seriously, less than four feet tall- who I've never seen before just came up and asked if we could put Grand Theft Auto V in the demo system.

"No, because you're not allowed to play it," I said. "We need parental consent to even sell you that game."

He stuck his tongue out and flounced out of the store.

I'm devastated that we lost such a valued customer.

The Saga of Comrade Asshat

At my job, it's typical for old collector's editions to go on mega sale, because no one cares about them after the game's been out for a month. My store literally still has a sealed copy of the Killzone 3 Helghast Edition on the shelves.

I'm not making that up.

So, we recently had a price drop on the Injustice: Gods Among Us collector's edition, and as such, our website is completely sold out of them. Normal Guy came in one day to ask if there's another way to get it. 

Now, Normal Guy shops at our store all the time, so I decided to go out on a limb for him.

"I can ask [store on the other side of the state] to mail us one for you," I said.

"Great. Can I pay for it now?"

"No, because I don't know when it'll get here." Note that I did not take this man's money.

"So, can I pick it up this weekend?" It was Friday.

"No, but it might be here sometime next week."

I called the other store, and they said they would send it. I told Normal Guy that it was being shipped, and that I would call him when it arrived. 

Fast forward one week. It should be noted that this week is Grand Theft Auto week, so all our stores have been insanely busy. He called the store.

"HI, THIS IS [NORMAL GUY.] I ORDERED AN INJUSTICE COLLECTOR'S EDITION AND I WAS WONDERING IF IT'S EVER COMING."

"One sec, let me check on that." I put him on hold and call the store that was supposed to send it to us.

"Hi, did you send us that Injustice?"

"Uh, no, it's still here. I'll get that sent out for you."

So, the other store never sent it. I went back to the other line to give him an update, but he'd hung up on me. I looked up his rewards info and tried to call him, but the number attached to his rewards card was disconnected.

Fast forward one day, to today. First thing when the store opened, I got a call from our corporate office.

"Hi, I just got a call from a customer named [Normal Guy]," she began.

We're going to update his name to Comrade Asshat.

"Comrade Asshat ordered a copy of Injustice and hasn't received it yet," she said.

"Yeah. He hasn't bought anything, I just told him we'd try to get another store to send it to us, and I just got confirmation that the other store sent it. Whenever Comrade Asshat calls us, he hangs up, and the phone number we have for him is disconnected. We have no way to get in touch with him."

"...Oh." Corporate lady sounded like she felt bad for me. "This is the phone number he gave me. I'll... call him and tell him it's on the way."

I anticipate that Comrade Asshat, if the game gets here and if we can actually get ahold of him, will ask for an additional discount for his trouble.

I anticipate that we'll all laugh in his face.

I am not a guard dog

Whenever anyone tries to intentionally leave something here (their kids, unfinalized trades, their wallet, and so on), I always say the same thing:

"We're not responsible for anything that happens to [him/her/it/them] while you're gone."

Sometimes people get mad about it, but hey, it's true. I'm obviously not going to let someone hurt a child in front of me, but there's nothing I can do if I'm not watching, or the kid decides to leave the store. There's a reason you have to pay babysitters to watch your kids.

We get people leaving their stuff here all the time, without even telling us, too. We had someone once who plugged his PSP into the wall to charge it, left it there, and freaked out on us when it got stolen.

Unless one of us stole it, that's not our problem. You abandoned your property in a public space.

Why do people think they can leave shit in a store, anyway?

LITERALLY ANYONE CAN COME IN HERE AND TOUCH ANYTHING!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF STORES!

I'm sure this sounded more profound when you were super high last night

"Like food. I don't understand food. You're like a battery, and then you get to eat pizza or whatever and then it turns into sugar you get to live. You eat sugar and live. It's mind blowing." - Real thing a real person just said in my store.

She also didn't understand how Playstation Plus makes money, when it costs $50 per year.

Conversations with Ladyboss

Ladyboss is in the back room with me while I eat lunch.

"I DON'T WANNA SELL COPIES OF GRAND THEFT AUTO ANYMORE."

The door buzzes. She peeks out into the store.

"DAMMIT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE."

"Your world is cutthroat!"

Words typed to me by my BFF She-Ra, Princess of Power as she forwarded me a link to this story, about a guy in London who was stabbed and robbed right after buying Grand Theft Auto V. 

I personally prefer this one, about some dudes in NYC who impersonated police officers to cut the line. 

This kind of thing happens at every release for every Hot New Item (just think of the moms mauling each other for Tickle Me Elmos and Zhu Zhu pets!), and probably wouldn't be national newsworthy if the title of the game weren't a felony. Nintendo actively discouraged retailers from having midnight release parties for the Wii U for this very reason.

But yes, working in a video game store is preeeetty hardcore.

Introducing: Coworker Awesome Sauce

My basically unmentioned final coworker, who wants to be called "Awesome Sauce" (ASS for short), is the last of our part-time people. You may remember him from when he barfed in this post. Mr. Awesome Sauce is, naturally, our resident super high-maintenance cashier, who has more degrees than everyone else in the store combined. (Every store has one.) This is actually his last week, as he's decided to become a full-time dog walker instead. You know, because he'd rather literally handle shit than work at my store.

I don't really blame him.

Today, some weirdo came in with a busted Wii U and started ranting. This is not uncommon, so I missed the first part of it.

"-and I spent forever on the phone with Nintendo, and it's totally busted, and it was supposed to be new but it wasn't," he was saying. His girlfriend was with him, punctuating the story with complaints about some return policy I didn't recognize.

"Um, what?" I asked.
                                                     
"I got this on eBay and it's not new at all," he said. ASS stepped in.

"How much did you pay for it?"

"$265," said Weirdo.

"Wow," said ASS. "That's a great deal."

(No. No it is not.)

"It would be if it worked,"  said Weirdo.

(Doubtful.)

"So- why is it here?" I asked, pointing at the boxed Wii U in Weirdo's hands. I was genuinely concerned that he was going to try to get us to exchange it for him. Luckily, Weirdo wasn't quite that stupid.

"I want to trade it towards getting a new Zelda Wii U," he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa hold on," said ASS. "This was a huge rip-off when you bought it, but when we buy it it's totally fine?"

Weirdo looked right into ASS's eyes, with a perfectly blank face. And after a long moment, he said:

"Yes."

My shift was over and I was on my way out, so I missed the end of the saga of Weirdo's Busted eBay Wii U. Apparently, though, bossbro refused the trade because the cords had exposed wiring. Then Weirdo's Girlfriend complained that Pokémon was too expensive, and they went on their merry way.

And I totally got permission to call Mr. Awesome Sauce ASS on the internet, so, win-win.  

Today, I crushed a man's dreams

Some guy in his 20s was just in here looking for a job application. I told him we were going to be hiring seasonal employees soon.

"What's the pay like?" he asked.

"Minimum wage," I said. "You'd be making minimum wage."

"What's minimum wage now?"

"$7.85 per hour."

"Wow," he said disdainfully. "That's bad. That's really bad." As if I have any control over what the pay rate is here.

Sir, you are applying for a temp cashier job at a corporate retailer. It's not exactly an entry-level career position.

Minimum wage isn't there to encourage corporations to pay us more. It's there because said corporations would pay us even less if they were legally allowed to.

It's good he left before I could tell him that he'd only be working maybe six hours a week, or that he'd be better off looking for a job in a call center.

REALITY: IT'S HARSH

Oh for the love of

This guy, and people like him, make my life miserable on a regular basis:

"Good job letting us know the GTA V Limited Edition was pre-order only"

FOR FUCK'S SAKE. ALL LIMITED EDITIONS ARE PRE-ORDER ONLY.

What do these people think "limited" means? "There'll be copies for purchase all over the place"? BECAUSE THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT LIMITED MEANS.

We had people strolling into my store one or two days before the release demanding to reserve a collector's edition of Grand Theft Auto V. Um, even if there were any left- which there are not, because other people bought them all already- how would we get it to the store by launch day? You realize we're not printing and packaging games in the back, right? We're supposed to fork out for overnight shipping because your entitled ass didn't think to order a limited run item from any of a million retailers, at any point in the past year?

Sorry. Buy the stuff on eBay. I don't even care.

Happy Anniversbirthdayary!

One year ago today, I was united with the love of my life:

Borderlands 2.

I love you, Borderlands 2. If I had any money, I'd be buying the Game of the Year edition.

Well, since I have a computer

I can spend all my time playing INTERNET FLASH GAMES!

Like this one: The Organ Trail!

When you were playing Oregon Trail as a kid, were you ever like, man, I wish these were zombies instead of bears? And I wish this were a station wagon instead of a Conestoga wagon? And I wish I could kill my party members myself? But I still want people to die of dysentery?

WISH GRANTED!

A screenshot of Organ Trail.

You start in Washington D.C. and head west to California, where you hear there's a refuge for survivors. But when you get there- SPOILER ALERT- instead of rafting down the river, you get to fight through a horde of zombies to collect enough fuel to get the gate working. On the way, you fight through hordes of zombies to scavenge groceries and shopping carts. You also get to cross hordes of zombies instead of rivers. (Your options are "sneak through," and "fight a way through with all your guns out." The second one is more fun.)

I love the art, too. It takes a lot of skill to parody a different art style, especially one so simple and outdated, and they did a great job.

I did buy the "Director's Cut" for $4.99 on Steam, and while the extra content is neat (you can upgrade your car, and do zombie-killing sidequests for money), it's pretty clearly designed for mobile apps, not PC. I don't like the drag-and-release shooting. Gimme back my space bar! But on a mobile app, it's good.

I actually bought a ton of indie games on my Wii U somewhat-recently, and I've been meaning to write about them, but I haven't gotten a chance until today. So, introducing my new post tag: the indie gaming hour! It and the retro gaming hour are BFFs.

I've always been a firm believer that "more simple" does not mean "less fun." (I've spent more time playing Desktop Tower Defense than is probably healthy. What up, Desktop Tower Defense!) As much as people like to disparage "casual gamers," I, for one, welcome our new casual gaming overlords. And, who knows? A lot more of those people would be willing to branch out into "hardcore" gaming if said games weren't all based around what angry teenage boys want to play.

I'm looking at you, Call of Duty.

Conversations with Bossbro

Bossbro, naturally, is the only one in my store who bought Grand Theft Auto V. He also stayed up all night playing it, because duh.

"So, I got to take Chop for a walk," he said. Chop is the dog on the cover. "And while you're doing that, you can switch to Chop's point of view. So I'm in first person doggie view, and halfway through the walk, I just veer off and start humping this other dog. I got to watch first-person dog humping."

"And you liked it," I said.

"No! It was super weird."

"So, it was weird because you liked it?"

"Franklin pulls Chop off the other dog, and he's like "Come on, man! That's not even a girl dog!" so I got a first person view of some gay dog sex."

"And you liked it," I said.

"No!"

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Also, an observation

There were over a hundred people at my store tonight picking up Grand Theft Auto.

As far as I saw, only one was a woman picking up the game for herself.

Naturally, the fact that women, such as myself, are not buying Grand Theft Auto in large, visible numbers will be taken as evidence that women "don't like hardcore video games," despite the fact that the Grand Theft Auto franchise is notoriously hostile to women.

I look forward to the weeks ahead, wherein dudebros will be constantly asking if I'm playing GTA V, and then asking the inevitable follow-up question:

"God, why do you work here? Do you even play video games?"

I play lots of video games. I just try to avoid the ones that shit all over people who look like me.

GTA V midnight release aftermath madness

Surprisingly normal, with no little kids bragging about how they were being allowed to stay home from school to play the game. (Apparently all the Parents-of-the-Year save that privilege for Call of Duty.)

The only real issue we had was that our state increased sales tax this month, so everyone who full-paid the game before September 1st owed an extra fifteen cents.

Most people were cool about it. One guy even left all his change behind to help other people out. (Thanks, guy! You're all right.) But then, as it always happens, we get this one douchebag who just won't let it go.

"I PAID FOR THIS FIVE MONTHS AGO," he said. "YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME EXTRA TAX."

"Well, you weren't actually buying a product until literally right now," I said. "You just put a deposit down that covered the former cost of sales tax. That changed, so you have to pay the difference."

"I PAID FOR THIS FIVE MONTHS AGO," he said.

"No, you just put a deposit down."

"I PAID FOR THIS FIVE MONTHS AGO. YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME TAX. ARGLE BLARGLE."

It was a collector's edition game and and guide that he had preordered, so he owed about a dollar, which he finally coughed up when he realized I wasn't particularly sympathetic to his brilliant tax-dodging plan.

We also get a lot of people who insist on buying things online so they "won't have to pay tax." Most states seemed to have caught up with that- I know I have to pay sales tax on online purchases here, even for game downloads. And even if you don't pay taxes through the seller, you're still supposed to declare your purchases to the government, because not paying your taxes is a crime.

"Bye! Have fun getting audited!" - Things I'm not allowed to say

If I never have to explain sales tax to anyone ever again, I could die happy.

SEE ALSO: This guy.

Technically, manager isn't in my job title

Here I am, eating lunch, minding my own business, when The Veteran comes back with the phone, because someone insisted on speaking to a manager.

"Thank you for calling [Store], this is [Miss Blog Lady]," I say politely.

"MY NAME IS [BOB]," the guy says urgently. "ONLY A MANAGER CAN HELP ME."

"Ok," I say. 

"I BOUGHT A GIFT CARD BUT I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE THE WRONG NAME ON IT. IF I BRING THE CARD IN, CAN I GET A NEW GIFT CARD!?"

For the record, that is not even a slightly complicated problem to fix. It's a transaction that anyone could do after working in any store for twenty minutes, tops.

"Sure, no problem," I say.

"OHMYGOSHTHANKYOU," says [Bob], and he hangs up.

Truly, this day have I used my managerial powers for good.

I'm a rebel

I put the F7 keys back on the keyboards.

Don't tell ladyboss.

Sunday

A mom is in here with a little kid who won't stop singing the Mario theme. They're looking for a case for the kid's DS. The mom just came up to the register with all of our DS cases.

"I just wanted to look at these up here so you'd know I wasn't trying to steal anything," she said.

Then she opened up the packaging for every single case, dumped them out all over the counter, and started rifling through them.

Like Blog Lady, like Kitten

Here's a shot of my precious baby kitten watching me play Borderlands 2:

All my favorite things in one photo!

 
She likes the elemental weapons best because of the bright colors. She also seems to enjoy explosions.

That screenshot is from the main dungeon from Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon's Keep, which every single person should play because of the hi-larious D&D jokes.

For realsies.

"Fucking academic"

My friend Hugh Jackman* read my post on The Walking Dead.

"Why was it so long?" he asked. "Like, it was fucking academic, or something."

More quotes for the trade paperback! 

*Not that Hugh Jackman. Actually, not even named Hugh Jackman. He is small and hairy, though.

No, seriously, is it September 17 yet?

Today, a man spent about twenty minutes trying to bribe me into giving him his Grand Theft Auto V early. This sort of thing isn't uncommon at all, but luckily, I hate all our customers, so it's easy not to give into temptation.

"Come on," he said. "I already paid for it, just give it to me early."

"I can't do that," I said. "[Store] gets fined, and I would lose my job."

"I have $40 cash I can give you," he said.

"I'm too poor to lose my job over this," I said.

I mean, seriously. If you're gonna ask me to lose my job, you've got to give me at least $1000. For food and stuff. If you pay my rent and bills until I find a new job, I will happily give you your GTA V.

I mean, what kind of asshole asks someone to lose their job so they can have a toy two days early?

I wish I were making this up

So, like many other stores, ours uses a regular computer for the register, with a regular keyboard. The various F# keys correspond to different menu options. Apparently, a bunch of people don't know how to correctly process preorders, so there was a rash of firings around the region for street date violations on Grand Theft Auto V. To solve this problem, our corporate stooges came up with an awesome idea.

LITERALLY REMOVE THE F7 KEY FROM THE KEYBOARD.

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE.

It didn't stop there, though.

WE GOT A FOLLOW-UP E-MAIL TELLING US TO ASK FOR HELP FROM OUR DISTRICT MANAGER IF WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO REMOVE THE F7 KEY.

OUR DISTRICT MANAGER CALLED EVERY STORE TO VERIFY THAT WE HAD REMOVED THE F7 KEY, INCLUDING ASKING US TO SEND PICTURES.

And maybe the best part- there are a whole bunch of menus that can only be opened with F7, so now we need to KEEP A PEN AT EVERY REGISTER SO WE CAN POKE THE NAKED F7 KEY JUST TO BE ABLE TO DO OUR JOBS.

This is my life. This is my reality.

So, I finally watched The Walking Dead

WHY IS THIS SHOW SO TERRIBLE?

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THIS SHOW IS SO TERRIBLE?

Presenting Valentine McKee, Supreme Kitten of Kittendom

I recently got A KITTEN, courtesy of my BFF's mom and also my own mom. She is the best kitten, and I named her Valentine McKee, after the hero from Tremors, because of course I did.

THE GRABOID RETURNS

Luckily, my precious baby is much cuter than a graboid.

Not only do I play video games

Some out-of-state friends and I have been playing a Pathfinder campaign on Google Hangouts, using a nifty program called Roll20.

Today we encountered a giant shark.

It looked like this:

A screen capture of a grid with some clipart representing party members and an enormous, happy shark.

Yes, Lovato is me. (She's a half-elf sorceress who specializes in illusion and evocation spells!) I name all of my characters after pop stars, because it sends the hardcore devotees into a frenzy.

Provoking nerd rage. It's what I do.

Attack of the repeat offender

Guy comes up to me at the counter. This particular repeat offender works in the same shopping center as the store. He is infamous for asking ladyboss and bossbro to bag me up and drop me off at his apartment. I should mention that he is mentally sound.

"You suck," he says.

"You suck!" I say back.

"No, you suck," he says.

"Why are you telling me that I suck?"

"You suck."

Conversations with Ladyboss

A customer comes up to ladyboss.

"Can you play Wii games on the GameCube?"

"No, but you can play GameCube games on a Wii."

"What? That doesn't make any sense!"

"...Yes it does."

"That's totally backwards!"